his_sarah_jane: (writing)
105. TEN things you would leave to your loved ones (and who they are) when you die.

1. [Milliways] To my dearest James, I would leave all my possessions to do with as you please. I would hope more than anything that you would keep my wedding band and engagement ring to remember what we once had. However, I am praying that my life with you will be just as it is in the movies: long lives for the both of us, seeing Valerie grow and find a family of her own, and that happy ending we both deserve.

2. [Milliways] To Valerie, my darling daughter, I don’t care how old you are when I pass, but more than anything I want you to have the stuffed owl my father gave me. It’s one of my most treasured possessions, aside from you and your daddy, of course. I’d also want you to have my TARDIS key and remember that not everything you read in a fictional novel is, indeed, fictional.

3. [Milliways] Sam: my death was not James’ fault so don’t you dare go blaming him for it. If Valerie ever comes into bar, I’m trusting you to look after her. In fact, I’ll leave you my camera as a sign of good will. Use it well, eh?

4. [Canon] Doctor, take care of K-9, will you? He’s been an amazing friend all these years. Thank you for leaving him to me. Also, make sure Mr Smith doesn’t cause any havoc please.

5. [Canon] My aunt passed on to me her home and I want to pass it on to you, Luke. I never thought I would have a son, let alone one as brilliant as you have been. I know you will take care of all those daft alien gadgets I have lying around. You’ll always make me proud.

6. [Canon] Maria: I want you to take the alien communicator the Starpoet gave me. I hope it’ll aid you in your own adventures some day.

7. [Canon] I guess I didn’t make it, did I Harry? Tell my aunt that I was working as a journalistic correspondent for UNIT and died well. If I can trust anyone to do that job, it’s you. The Doctor’ll probably just leave my body where it is. I never pictured him for the sentimental type. See that my belongings in my South Croydon flat are taking care of? And keep the typewriter for yourself. It’s an antique, but still works quite well. She’s always served me well, at least.

8. [Twood Hub, future] Ewan, leman, I know you’ll outlive me. I know that you will find new loves after me. But I do hope that you won’t ever forget me. There are so many things I could leave you – most of my belongings as you (and our children) are the closest I have to family here. I would, however, specifically leave to you keep that necklace you gave me after the twins were conceived.

9. [Twood Hub] Gethin Jones, if my death is any way connected to you, I’m coming back and haunting you. That aside, you see, you’ve become one of my best mates here in Torchwood. So I want you to have that strange looking burnt golden plant sitting on my desk. It’s from Delta Upsilon Nine. I tried to leave it with the Doctor, but he insisted he was better off alone. Talk to it; you’ll be surprised.

10. [Twood Hub] You took me in when I had been left behind, gave me a new career that eventually led me back to the one I adore, and introduced me to the man I love. I don’t know how to ever repay you, Jack, for everything that you’ve done. It’s been some life working for you. Thank you. In my flat, I have a thickly bound first edition copy of the Sherlock Holmes adventures. We went back to visit Arthur years after our first encounter and he presented it to me as a thank you for the inspiration. Enjoy, will you?
his_sarah_jane: (internal debate)
2. You've just had one of the most grueling days of your life when you stumble upon a wishing well. While you don't typically believe in such things, you need a pick-me-up. So you toss a penny down the well and make a wish. Lo and behold, it comes true.

Sarah Jane didn’t think she could take it anymore. As much as she adored travelling with the Doctor, as much as she adored him, after the past week – after Sontaran mind experiments and never ending wars and poison and Cybermen – she couldn’t take it anymore. The Doctor promised them a reprise. The Brigadier needed them back on Earth. First, he said, they’d go to a very peaceful and very safe (“oh, I doubt that!”) planet that he often liked to visit. Show Harry the perks of being a travelling companion in the TARDIS.

Perhaps he was right about this place. On the whole, it reminded Sarah of some giant market out of Arabian Nights. There were men and women trying to sell her exotic goods at every turn. Animals she had never seen before. Peoples she had never seen before. It was enchanting. The wishing well she found in the center of town even more so.

She never believed much in wishes growing up. As a child, Sarah would wish on star after star for her parents to be alive. It never came true. She always woke up in her aunt’s house on Bannerman Road in Ealing, alone and orphaned. So, at some point, she had stopped believing in wishes and dreams coming true all together.

But after the week she had, after being tortured and enslaved and poisoned, Sarah Jane was almost tempted to be that naïve seven year old who had wanted her wish to come true. Wishes never came true. So it there would be no harm in acting foolish just for a few seconds.

She closed her eyes, fished a penny out from her trouser pocket and tossed it in. “I wish Mum and Dad never died.”

***

It had been another night of strange dreams. )

[ooc: some scenarios mentioned roughly based upon role play games sj is in: [livejournal.com profile] milliways_bar, [livejournal.com profile] twood_hub, and [livejournal.com profile] relativespace.]
his_sarah_jane: (:O)
4. Roleplay Prompt - For some reason, you're tied together with someone else. Now what?

There are always perils associated with a trip to Milliways Bar. Always. Be it magical gender switching or transfiguration into animals or even random songs, there are real perils associated with a trip. It usually akes for interesting times. And sometimes, it makes for annoying ones.

Today, Sarah Jane finds herself face to face with one of those latter events. Without Valerie to serve as a figure of neutrality, she and Le Chiffre had spent the past fifteen minutes bickering over who arrived first at a barstool. Sarah was more than certain it was her. The other man was convinced otherwise.

Bar, as they found out a few moments later, isn't fond of such a row. So very not fond that, in effect-

"Oh, this is all your fault!" Sarah Jane yells, glaring down at their tied wrists.
his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - happy)
1. Who eats more?
I'd venture to say me.

2. Who said "I love you" first?
He did. It took me completely by surprise.

3. How long have you been together?
We were friends first. I met him shortly after he first came to Milliways. Then he went and bloody well fell in love with me and, oh, about a year and a half later, Valerie was born.

4. Who sings better?
Neither of us.

5. Who's older?
He is, by a good fourteen years.

6. Who's smarter?
Oh, I am. Obviously. ;)

7. Whose temper is worse?
That, I believe, we're tied on. Our rows have been dreadful in the past.

more questions )
his_sarah_jane: (hmmph)
Sleeping on the couch.

She had stormed out of the bedroom that night, angry and in tears. Behind her, she could hear protests: words of anger followed by words of reconciliation followed by more words of anger. She had ignored them all. Absolutely furious, Sarah Jane Bond was. She had slammed the door behind her, loud enough to shake some of the books on a nearby shelf. Loud enough, also, to wake the sleeping five month old downstairs. Valerie’s cries had pierced Sarah’s heart. But as angry as she was, she couldn’t be bothered. James could deal with her. After all, Valerie was just as much his daughter as she was Sarah’s.

Tears had continued to blur her vision as she grabbed a blanket from a cupboard. She wiped at them feverishly as she stumbled down the stairs. Sarah couldn’t bring herself to sleep next to him that night. A part of her had wondered if she could ever bring herself to sleep next to him again. A man who accused her of such… of such things. A year: was that all this marriage had to it?

Upstairs, the baby still cried. She could hear two doors slam in short succession. Soon after, the crying stopped. For Valerie, anyway.

In the parlor by the front door to the townhouse, Sarah Jane made her bed on the couch. She pushed one of the day pillows against an arm. Then she collapsed on top of it, wrapping the blanket around her. As she stared at the quiet fireplace, her tears continued. The row hadn’t been their first. No, that very first one had been when they were only friends. Their second, or their first as a couple, had come a couple of months into their marriage. The pregnancy had stressed and stretched them much further than she thought.

Valerie had reconciled that one. Her birth had been a healing balm for the Smith-Bond family. Now, Sarah caught herself wondering if it was just the eye in the storm.

He had been in Milliways earlier. Somehow, someway, he had found out about a certain kiss that had occurred during the pub’s winter holiday season. It had been under the mistletoe. She was nearly nine months pregnant. His doppelganger, another James Bond from another universe, had been hard to resist. In the end, they had remained friends. Sarah Jane loved her husband far too much.

But said husband wouldn’t listen to her. She told him again and again that it meant nothing. That she had been angry with him at the time (he hadn’t been around, moving out to a hotel and spending his days avoiding her until their next row, which had nearly became violent). It had been before the slow healing process. It was a bloody, fucking kiss under the mistletoe.

And he was fucking jealous of something that meant nothing. Sarah Jane didn’t even know if she would ever see that James again. He had left to go back to his own world. Perhaps that was what allowed her husband entry to the pub again. Maybe all this was a big mistake.

She gave up her world for him.

She gave up the Doctor for him.

Anger still ate at her as she curled her knees to her chest and finally closed her eyes. The tears stained her cheeks as she began to drift off. The sleep was unpleasant, the couch only designed for short naps or lounging. Every now and then, she thought she had been awoken by Valerie’s shouts or a door closing.

When she awoke in the morning, Sarah Jane knew she could never sleep on that couch again. She’d bloody well move out first. That couch now held too many demons. All she wanted was to apologise. But Sarah knew herself to be too stubborn to actually do so. Instead, she found herself clutching the blanket tighter as she stared at the fireplace. Someone was awake. She could smell the freshly brewed tea from the kitchen. James wasn’t a huge fan. And, as it was weekend, there was no reason for May to be here.

At a loss, she did the only thing she could do. Sarah pulled herself from the bed, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders as a cloak. The nightgown was warm enough but she needed the comfort. Quietly, she tiptoed down another flight of stairs to the kitchen.

He was awake, moving about the kitchen in his boxers. So was Valerie, happily sitting in her high chair and making a mess of her banana mush breakfast, more of it on her pajamas than in her mouth. The spoon in her grasp was flinging food everywhere. From her position, blending against the dining room wall, she could see bits fling on to James’ blond hair. He wiped a splatter from his cheek, leaving the kettle to attend to the girl. Carefully, he took the spoon from her and began feeding Valerie her breakfast.

It made Sarah smile despite how angry she still was at James. This was, she supposed, what a family was about. Regardless, she couldn’t find the will to move away from the wall. It was James who had the first word, fifteen minutes later. She could not tell how long he had noticed her standing there. When he had begun to approach, somehow balancing Valerie in one arm and a mug in the other hand, she found herself frozen to the spot. His blue eyes were indistinguishable.

She was more frightened than she had been for a while.

“We were going to wake you,” he spoke quietly, almost barely audible above Valerie’s happy squeals at seeing her mummy. “I’ve slept on that couch before. It isn’t a pleasant experience.”

“No,” Sarah Jane agreed, her face and emotions guarded. If this was just leading to another row… she didn’t know if she could handle that. “It isn’t.”

He held out the tea mug to her. It took her a beat to accept it, but she did. Sarah took a small sip and smiled again. Earl Grey, with just enough milk and sugar. After all this time of living together, he had finally gotten it right.

“Darling, I…” James ran a hand through his hair, frowning a little when coming across banana bits. He was just as lousy at apologies as she was. She knew that. “No more kissing men that aren’t me. Even if they are in some damned Milliways way – that doesn’t count, Sarah. Even if we weren’t…”

She could hear the hesitation in his voice. She could hear the underlying message and fear. What if she found an attractive, stable man that could offer her more of a life? What if she left him for that? All the what ifs that never got vocalized. But they were there, as much as those of her own. What if he grew bored of being a father and a husband? Then what?

It was a bloody ridiculous marriage they had found themselves in a year ago. Neither of them were ready, let alone with a child on the way.

Watching him awkwardly try to apologise, Sarah remembered just again how worth it this all was.

So she nodded and gave him a soft, reassuring smile. “No more kissing men if not work related. I understand, James.”

His expression turned from rueful and serious to perplexed within instants. Sarah raised an eyebrow and smiled impishly. “As I’m not exactly in the same line of career as you are, I doubt it’ll ever come up. Still, fair is fair.”

“Not in this case,” he answered, sweeping her into a one armed hug. Valerie reached for Sarah’s hair, eyes still alight with joy. “No,” James began before kissing her, “more,” kiss, “James’.”

“And no,” kiss, “more,” kiss, “couches,” Sarah Jane agreed, finally resting her forehead against his. “Not for years.”

[ooc: based on events in milliways_bar]
his_sarah_jane: (flirty - self assured)
Seduction. Have you ever seduced someone or has anyone ever seduced you?

The first time they tried, Sarah complained of pains. It was April 13th, James’ thirty-ninth birthday and she had wanted so desperately to make it a night for the two of them to remember. They had taken Valerie to her first fancy restaurant (although, at about six weeks old, Valerie was mostly interested). Gifts had been exchanged. And after weeks of a strict exercise regime, Sarah had finally felt comfortable enough with her body to slip into a negligee and give James a show.

They had gotten as far as his hand groping past the panties before her abdomen began to ache. The rest of the night had been spent cuddling instead, telling each other stories of each other’s past and, of course, a midnight feeding for Valerie. All and all, it had been enough to tire the couple into sleeping as long the next morning as they would have had they made love the night before.

The next time came two weeks later. It was early evening on a Sunday that had been spent hard at work. Valerie had been shuffled between offices. Working at home, both James and Sarah found no reason to keep her in her nursery. She slept often, and even awake, Valerie typically was a quiet child. So, 6 p.m. found the Smith-Bonds all in bed, with the two older ones both reading. But reading quickly led to other things. A kiss here, a caress there, the loosening of pajama bottoms and tops. Quickly, what had started as innocent flirting led to passionate embrace. But before proper intercourse could occur, a baby’s cry from the intercom pierced through the pants and moans. It was over before it really began.

Sarah Jane was certain though that tonight would be the night. Everything had been planned. Despite her recent streak of late night hunger, Valerie had been awfully restless today. Hopefully it meant that she’d sleep through most of the night. Or, at the very least, wouldn’t wake her parents with slumber. Although a part of her told her the thought was in vain, she couldn’t help but wish. It had been far too long since she had last properly made love to her husband. She was randy, lusting after a man her body and daughter hadn’t quite allowed her to have. The fact that she hadn’t been alone with that feeling did not help at all.

While James was out with Valerie (a daily trip around Holland Park to expose the baby girl to the outside world), Sarah prepared dinner. She had wanted to spoil him tonight, to show him just how much she still loved him. Perhaps their separation had brought them closer together. Perhaps it had been Valerie’s birth. Or perhaps it had simply been because they had been trying to make their relationship work. Either way, all the effort had paid off. Sarah Jane had never felt more grateful.

Despite her labours in the kitchen, dinner had been a common enough event. Valerie napped upstairs as Sarah and James enjoyed the Sheppard’s Pie. Conversation was typical: how Valerie was doing, upcoming doctor’s appointments, the odd going-ons at Milliways (James still hadn’t bothered going back), whether it was too soon to take a family vacation for Sarah’s birthday in June, hypothesizing as to what sort of mission James would be sent on next. It was nice, comfortable. Yet, she couldn’t help but feel as if she was pressing her luck. Valerie had slept through out dinner.

James eventually slipped out for a couple hours: a drink with Felix Leiter that had been planned as soon as James had found out his friend was in town. Sarah Jane went about her own tasks for the evening: nursing Valerie, showering, working a little bit more before finally preparing the bedroom for her husband’s arrival home. The lights were dimmed and candles in thin, glass containers were softly glowing around the bed. Satin sheets replaced comfortable cotton and the musky scent of perfume filled the room. Sensual music played softly in the background. Rose petals were carefully scattered on top of the bed.

Her intent was for James to come home and find her in the center of said petals. She had on the skimpiest black negligee she owned – a new one that she had purchased simply for this occasion. It made her feel confident and embarrassed all at the same time. Sarah Jane only hoped that it made James lustful when he walked in. He had called fifteen minutes ago to tell her he was dropping Leiter off at the hotel. The American had apparently drunk far too much. He would be home any moment and everything was perfect.

He’d walk in and be swept off his feet. Sarah would stand and walk forward towards him. A foot away, she would place a hand on his chest. Then, she would tilt her head up and kiss him as she tried to remain in charge of the seduction. Maybe she would get rough and push him on to the bed where she could lean above him and do things that would make him purr. Clothes would be lost and then, finally, both would get what they wanted. She almost longed for this moment, wanting nothing more than to be connected to him as close as humanly possible. Her eyes closed as Sarah Jane smiled happily.

It would be perfect.

Five minutes later and James Bond did indeed return to his townhouse in Notting Hill. He entered the building quietly (if Valerie was sleeping, he didn’t want to wake her). His first stop was at the nursery to check on his sleeping beauty. James leaned into the crib and kissed her on the forehead before gently brushing back blonde curls from her face. He moved Teddy closer to her and smiled. Now it was time to find his other girl. When a glance into Sarah’s office revealed lights off and an empty room, he smirked in anticipation. Sarah had been far too eager to get him out of the house tonight. She was planning something.

James loosened his tie as he walked into the room. His eyes quickly fell on Sarah, there in the center of the bed and glowing in the candle night. She was gorgeous, he thought. Absolutely ravishing. The tie dropped to the floor as he took another step forward. He sat at the edge of the bed, watching her for a few minutes more. Eventually, he caressed her cheek, rubbing the soft skin with his thumb. If he was disappointed, James certainly didn’t show it. He could see how hard she tried. Tonight, he found himself watching a sleeping beauty more beautiful than he could remember.

It was dull and domestic but he didn’t care. They had the rest of their lives for passionate and wild seductions. Until then, he was content to kick off his shoes and crawl into bed next to her. In the morning he would tell her that his next mission had come sooner than either expected – Leiter needed help with a case of his. For now, James would only wrap her in his arms and bury his face in her hair.

“Soon darling,” he whispered. “I promise that, Sarah.”

[ooc: based on milliways_bar]
his_sarah_jane: (flirty)
070. TEN kisses.

1. Paul McCrimmon: He was my first ‘romantic kiss’. I was four and he was six and we lived next door to each other in Liverpool. He kissed me. And then I kicked him into the mud. Mum didn’t know whether to laugh or scold. Paul did, though: he laughed and, after standing, pushed me in to the mud as revenge.

2. Andrew Lofts: He was my first proper boyfriend and my first proper fiancée. Our first kiss was at a party my first year at uni. For a short time, it was the start of a terrific relationship. Sadly, I cannot say the same to its ending.

3. Harry Sullivan: Kisses with him have always been of the utmost platonic manner. We were never meant to be anything more than friends, even if I do expect him of carrying a short torch during our times travelling together.

4. If I could remember one thing from my childhood, it would be what hugs and kisses from my parents were like. I knew they loved me, I can remember that much. But the memory of their touch has been long lost in the past few years.

5. The Doctor (Four): It might be silly, but I prefer his hugs more than anything else. There is certainly something about being wrapped up in his arms, the way I always feel dwarfed and safe when he does. I know perfectly well that a woman does not need a man to feel safe. I am, after all, a steadfast believer in this idea. But there’s something about the Doctor, about his awkward kisses and warm hugs, which always seems to do the trick. (Theatrical Muse)

6. James Bond: Our first kiss took me by surprise. I didn’t suspect for a moment that James harbored feelings for me. I didn’t ever suspect that, when I cornered him in our shared flat to discover just why he was being so cold, he would kiss me in response. I never suspected how much I’d bloody enjoy that kiss or what it would lead to.

But my favorite kiss with him will always be the one he gave me after Valerie was born. It was brief – perhaps the briefest of all due to our mutual desire to watch our baby sleep – but it was promising. It was tender and loving and apologetic. It was beautiful. (Milliways.)

7. Valerie Bond: Holding and kissing your baby for the first time, knowing she’s real and yours – there’s nothing else like it. (Milliways.)

8. Simon Skinner: I don’t know if we quite knew what we were doing. I sometimes suspect that we still don’t know what we’re doing. It’s absolutely daft, considering our ages – we’re far too old to be having a fling like this. Even if it has become love, I still don’t know if it is wise. But, at the moment, I couldn’t imagine having anyone else fill his place in my life. (Mixed Muses.)

9. Sam Linnfer: Really isn’t what you’d expect. (Milliways.)

10. James Bond: It was Christmas time in Milliways and we got caught under the mistletoe together. For the record: it meant nothing. We’re only friends. I am married, after all. That doesn’t change the fact that, like my husband, he certainly knows what he’s doing when it comes to such matters. (Milliways.)

---
Muse: Sarah Jane Smith
Fandom: Doctor Who
his_sarah_jane: (frowny)
1. One Word Prompts : a) Distance



James,

You deserve to hear this out loud but I’m afraid that, if I try to speak in front of you, I may lose all will. When I asked Bar for a piece of paper, she gave me this. Funny sense of humour, I suppose.

But, well, not to beat about the bush: I don’t know if we should see each other again. I love him, James. I love him and I love Valerie and my little family. It isn’t fair if I sneak off here to see you. Even if, in some ways, you are very much the same man. I just… I can’t ever live with myself if I hurt him. It’s hard enough knowing that this may hurt you.

We need some distance. Distance until we can look each other in the eye again and feel nothing but friendship. I have no right to you. I am a married woman and I need to start acting as such.

I am so very, very sorry, James. But I don’t believe that I was meant to love the same soul in two bodies.

Love,
Sarah Jane

[ooc: based on milliways_bar events]
his_sarah_jane: (i want to cry)
"There's enough sorrow in the world, isn't there, without trying to invent it." --E.M.Forster, A Room With A View.

She had thought that all of the bad parts of her life were over. She had thought that coming here, that giving up her old life – that all of that signified the start of something new. She had thought that things would be different this time. She didn’t think it could happen again. She didn’t think she was capable of losing anybody else.

But there it was, in black and white. She held the paper in her hand. She saw the look on Villiers’s face. He was always so transparent with emotions. Always. In the three years of being married to James, he was the only other MI-6er she had truly gotten to know. Perhaps it was because of their shared knowledge of Milliways. Or perhaps it was because he often times seemed the most human of the lot. Either way, he had been the one selected to tell her the news.

After three years of marriage, she was a widow. Despite his promise of being home in time for their daughter’s third birthday, he never would be home. He would never be home again.

She stared blankly as Villiers continued. She was certain that a good half of what he was saying was MI-6 propaganda. Not quite the same speech they gave all the widows (after all, a spy’s profession was secret), but something close. That he was a good man. That he had served his country and queen well. That he had been a loyal and valuable employee. That they were sad to see him go. The only part that possibly seemed real was his sympathy.

But Villier’s had never really lost anyone he loved. He didn’t understand how difficult it was. She had lost her parents, she had lost her best friend, and in a lot of ways, she had lost her world. But she had never expected to lose her husband, despite his career. It simply never happened in the films. James Bond always escaped, always lived, always got the girl in the end. How could he leave the girl behind? How could he leave her behind?

“Sarah?” Villiers placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you all right?”

She shook her head, unable to speak. All her vocalizations were trapped in her head. The only nose she could utter was a broken heated sob. He was gone. Yet another person she loved had died before her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

Except for one thing. )

[based on events in [livejournal.com profile] milliways_bar]
his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - snuggling)
Two weeks have passed since Sarah and Valerie had returned from the hospital. It had been a lovely two week, really. James would go to work in the morning, kissing his girls goodbye as they slept. Sarah, after finagling a deal with her boss, would do her work at home. Restlessness would get to her quickly though and she'd often wind up in Milliways for breaks.

It really had been a lovely two weeks. Valerie and James went on their first father-daughter outing. Sarah had appointed John godfather to her daughter. Really, the past two weeks had been lovely. A perfect start to their little family.

That is, until five nights ago.

Five nights ago, Valerie had discovered a new game. She was generally a quiet and wide-eyed child. She'd cry mostly for food or for a diaper change. Occasionally, it was for attention. But for the first four days, she had kept to crying during the day.

Five nights ago, it all changed.

The hallway clock chimes loudly, but not nearly as loud as the cries echoing through the baby monitor. Sarah Jane stirs in her sleep, snuggling up against the man beside her. An arm flings outward as she tries to ignore the cries. Maybe if she hid her head, they'd go away.
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
What event do you wish you could have been a "fly on the wall" for?

That night, Sarah Jane cried. Valerie was in the nursery. James had gone home for the night, leaving at the last possible minute. For the first time in nine months, she was truly alone. She had no roommate. She had no child growing inside of her anymore. She was alone in every possible way despite being in a hospital of hundreds.

“You should have seen him.”

The voice startled her. Sarah looked up, wiping her eyes. Her book falls off the bed on to the floor. The clatter startles her and she shakes her head quickly. There’s a nurse in the room now, carrying a meal tray. She recognizes her as the same light haired nurse from the afternoon. “Pardon?”

“Your husband,” she replied with a thick Scottish accent. The woman smiled kindly at Sarah as she placed the tray on a small bed side table. “It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen a man look upon his child with that much awe. He wouldn’t take her eyes off her – not until you walked into the room, that is.”

Sarah blinked again. She had, of course, seen the way James fussed over Valerie. The hospital staff nearly had to make him leave by force. They had alternated holding her for most of the afternoon (Sarah Jane, of course, getting extra time due to feedings). She hadn’t ever seen a man more careful or, she considered, more in love. It made her feel so warm and so safe and so incredibly happy. She couldn’t imagine there was more.

The nurse continued of her own free will.

“When I brought her out, he looked at her as if he had never seen a more beautiful sight. Oh, I swear: he couldn’t have been blinded by her. Even if it were the Queen standing there herself, he wouldn’t have noticed. That was love, Mrs Bond. Honestly.”

For a moment, she looked at the nurse as if she were mad. Queen and country came first, didn’t they? But if what this woman said was true, James had found something almost as equally important. And it was because of her. It did certainly explain the eager smile and his promise to return as soon as he could tomorrow. She knew that he loved them both – those sentiments had been repeated a lot that evening. But hearing it from a stranger seemed different. James was always so in control of his emotions. It seemed strange that someone could read him like that.

If only she could have seen it. If only she could have seen the way James’ eyes had lit up and the goofy smile that had broken across her face. But those bloody doctors had been too busy stitching her up. Some things, she thought, were totally worth her health. Being able to witness James meeting his daughter for the first time was one of those things. It wasn’t fair. She should have required her camera attend the whole event. That one picture of the three of them sitting on the bed -James’ arms wrapped around Sarah as she held tightly on to Valerie – suddenly did not seem like enough.

She wanted to relive every moment as a spectator. She wanted to fall in love with James and Valerie all over again.

Rationally, she knew that it wasn’t a wish that would come true. This woman’s words were the best she would ever have. As the nurse began the check on IV and vitals, she continued to babble about the afternoon.

It was music to Sarah Jane Bond’s ears.

[based on rp at milliways_bar]
his_sarah_jane: (older!sarah - reflective)
Magic

The stars sparkled around her. It was like magic: a truly breathtaking magic that Sarah Jane had never once bothered to appreciate before. In all her years, in all her travels she couldn’t believe that she had ever seen anything more magical than this. The moon glowed deep amber in the foreground and the trees clung with mildew that glittered in the glow. The owls and bats overhead made a peaceful chorus to the night.

The Doctor was right. Earth could be an adventure all itself. She had been all across those stars in her youth. Yet, this moment and this scenery were more glorious than anything she could ever have imagined or witnessed. And what made it even more perfect was the company she was with.

“Happy anniversary, darling,” a voice whispered into her ear as the man clutched her to his chest. “Thirty-five years. Did you ever think?”

“No,” she whispered, closing her eyes as she rested her head against his chest. His heart beat in quiet rhythm to hers and, like her own breath, his came out in small, cold puffs. A chill had settled upon them but it was disregarded for the serenity of the night.

“Do you like it?”

Sarah smiled. It was exactly what she had wished: an intermission from the ordinary (or not so ordinary) humdrum of their lives. But not once had she ever pictured anyplace like this – only, perhaps, a small hotel within London where they both could easily be contacted by their respective careers if necessary. Being alone in the solitude of the woods, renting this charming cabin for a week, far from the grasp of civilization was so much better. She was with him and him with her. Thirty-five years seemed magical when she looked back on it. It seemed as magical as this place before them now.

“I adore it.”

That was that then. There really wasn’t much need for words anymore. The night provided the music and the tempo as they embraced happily, lovingly. Magic radiated around them, lovely and blissful and forever memorable.
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
She had received a text mere hours before. James was on his way home from his unknown destination and Sarah Jane had been more than eager (and more than nervous) to see him again. Maybe they could finally talk. Maybe they could finally figure things out. Maybe they could act like the mature adults they were supposed to be.

But fate, it seemed, had other plans.

In the midst of working on last minute preparations on Valerie's room, her water broke. Eleven days earlier than expected, Sarah and James' daughter was too impatient to wait any longer. Sarah panicked. Now she was on the way to the hospital and terrified that James might not get back at time. No matter what state their relationship was in, she wanted him to be here for this.

By the time the car service pulled in, Sarah Jane felt exhausted already. After reception and the like, she was shown to a room. The nurse reassured her that it would only be a matter of time now, that everything would be okay. But after a visit from Dr Ross minutes later, Sarah wasn't certain that everything would be okay after all. The umbilical cord whad slipped in to the birth canal ahead of Valerie. There would have to be surgery.

The nurse went out to attempt to call James again as another began to prep Sarah Jane.
his_sarah_jane: (pensive)
The journey back from the hospital was a quiet one. Neither, it appeared, had very much to discuss in the back of the cab James had hired to drive them home. Neither, it seemed, felt like being the first to discuss Sarah Jane's (hopefully) previous problem.

As soon as she got home (to a cat who had clearly been busy with hunting mice), the first thing Sarah did was to collapse on the couch. She was exhausted: mentally and physically. The apprehension she felt was slowly killing her all over again. But Sarah didn't know what to say. And she didn't know how to say it.
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
As she eats each passing day, Sarah Jane grows more and more restless in her hospital room. It had almost seemed a strange sensation the first day, when the nurse brought dinner shortly after Dr Traviss had left. She had been unable to eat much that meal: only a very small portion of the Sheppard’s pie that had come with it. The next day, for breakfast, she had found herself capable of eating little more. And so the trend had continued.

It isn’t easy though. She still can’t find that appetite she once had. Sarah eats until she’s eaten enough to please Valerie and then she stops. All the therapy sessions in the world, it seems, are incapable of mending her heart. Sarah Jane still silently hopes James will come back. She wishes this was all a nightmare. All the therapy sessions in the world are incapable of her understanding James’ choices at the moment.

Yet, slowly she learns about what it means to be a parent. Yes, her own emotions (the heartache she is certain she will always bear) are important. But what is more so is Valerie. She had reached this conclusion before, but it had never seemed to stick. She had promised Dr Ross that she would eat. Instead, she had wound up in the hospital with an IV feeding both herself and her daughter the nutrition she had denied them. This time, though, Sarah feels more determined. Her talks with Dr Traviss this past week have done a lot. Sarah feels as if she’s learning.

She’s been reminded that, as much as it hurts to be abandoned now, that isn’t her future forever. James may still change his mind. He may, as her psychiatrist puts it, stop feeling afraid when he holds his own daughter. But, he tells her day after day, she’ll always have Valerie. And isn’t that something? Having a child, he tells her, is the most rewarding experience one can have. Seven and a half months pregnant now, Sarah Jane thinks that she may agree.

So, finally, the day comes that Dr Traviss promises she’ll be released the next day. Sarah has made enough progress with her mental and physical state that he deems it safe to treat her outpatient rather than keep her confined. Sarah Jane beams with joy at that, promising him that she’ll continue to eat and make every appointment to see him at his clinic.

The only problem, she realizes as she carefully dresses herself in the maternity clothing she came in with, is that it means seeing James.

And it means all the heartache will come right back.
his_sarah_jane: (pensive)
“Sarah, the nurses tell me that you’re still not eating properly.”

It was such a clear statement of fact that it nearly made Sarah Jane roll her eyes at him. Today was her third appointment with Dr Traviss and, so far, she had found therapy as frustrating as she had when she was thirteen. Talking about her ‘problems’ weren’t making them any better. She missed James. She was hurt by his departure. She worried about the fact that he never would return to her, that she wasn’t worth loving. All of this, Dr Traviss knew by now. And so far, no solution was offered.

“Valerie’s doing fine,” Sarah responded, as if that was the only bit important. After all: wasn’t all this to keep her daughter healthy? “Isn’t that enough?”

“I’m afraid not, Sarah,” Dr Traviss said, looking at her from behind his folder. “You know we can’t dismiss you until you show full and lasting signs of taking care of yourself again. You can’t punish yourself or Valerie for others’ mistakes.”

She gave him a flat look in return. “You mean James.”

“Well, yes. If we’re to be specific.” He paused for a moment to scan over his notes. “How did you meet James?”

Suddenly, Sarah’s face fell. That was over a year and a half ago and a much simpler time. She didn’t want to talk about it. She was tired of talking. Tired of talking about recent life with James, up to and including their (his?) issues now. About how her parents died when she was a child and how the aunt who had raised her had also ‘died’ in the past year. About her first failed engagement. She was bloody tired of it all and it was only the third day in which she had seen him.

“We were at a pub,” she said quietly. “We started talking. We were friends first, for a couple months, until he kissed me. And then…”

Sarah waved a hand, indicating that was the end of the story. Take away a visit from a dead ex, the location of a bar at the end of the universe, and her own complicated life of time travelling and it really was that simple. The met, fell in love, and had a child.

And couldn’t last.

She sighed deeply, wiping at her eyes. “I know it seems fast, but neither of us were quite the type to take things slow. And then Valerie came along seven months ago and we’ve been married for over four months and it’s hurting again. It’s hurting a lot.”

Dr Traviss handed her the box of tissues. It didn’t make a lot of difference in Sarah’s eyes, though. The pain was overwhelming. She missed that time. Back then, if things had gone this way, she could simply return to her old life. She wouldn’t have a child to take care of. She wanted that so much. Her psychiatrist could never understand. Not when there was still so much she had to leave out.

“You didn’t think he was going to leave you, did you?”

Sarah shook her head, trying to chase away the remaining tears. “He married me. He loved me.”

“A lot of people leave you, don’t they, Sarah?”

She nodded weakly. That was true. That was so very true.

“Do you blame yourself?”

Of course she did. Clearly, something about her was unlovable. She mucked things up. She was too stubborn and too selfish to see things any differently. People came and went far too quickly in Sarah Jane’s life for her liking. It was one of the few things she couldn’t ever understand. People died, people grew annoyed and tired with her. And then she was alone. She always seemed to be alone, no matter how hard she tried to make her life different.

Sarah nodded again.

“Is that why you’re not eating?”

At that, she shrugged. By now, Sarah had gotten used to telling herself that she wasn’t hungry. That was a perfectly reasonable choice not to eat, after all. She hadn’t bothered to think of it in any other way.

“Sarah, I know that I’ve already said this once today, but I can’t stress how important it is that you know this. You can’t keep punishing yourself or Valerie. That won’t change anything, Sarah. We can work on this, you know. We can work to see you happy and confident again. No one ought to go through anything like this alone.”

But that was the thing, wasn’t it? “I am alone.”

“No you’re not. And I promise you, as a parent myself, that the moment Valerie is a born, you’ll see what I mean. We’ve already discussed the fact that you want to keep your child. We really do need to start working towards this goal. Now... Do you think we can talk about the first time you remember feeling like this?”

She still hated all of this so very much. Sarah Jane just wanted to go home and go back to work. She wanted life to be like it was a month ago. She knew, rationally, that that could never happen. You can’t go back in time unless you had a time machine. Here, in this reality, such things did not exist. She had to take the hard path rather than the easy path.

So she shrugged, not quite meeting the doctor’s eyes. “I can try.”
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
147. Something's been killed recently. You can feel it inside...

She had known for a long time that something had died. But knowing and acknowledging had always been two different things for Sarah Jane. For the past two months, she had lived a rather hallow existence. She was alive, yes, but something had been killed inside. Hooked up to an IV and barely eating, her life had been filled with visits from doctors upon doctors to encourage her to eat. It was the same routine each day: Dr Traviss would come for their session and nurses would bring food that Sarah ignored.

The only moments that mattered was the time she spent alone with her unborn daughter. They were moments filled with guilt and self-hatred. Whenever Valerie kicked, Sarah felt a pang in her heart. It chipped away at what little was left. James hadn’t come back since he had brought her to the hospital. She knew for certain that she had lost him. Valerie was all she had left. And she was all Valerie had left. Yet, that wasn’t enough.

Something had died.

When the first cramp came, she found it a relief. When her water broke, it was even more so of one. After two months of depressively waiting for her daughter to be born, this was the moment. Tears sprung to her eyes as she pressed the button for the nurse. It would be an operation. At this point, Sarah Jane was far too weak to deliver Valerie naturally.

As she waited, she closed her eyes and placed a hand on her stomach. It would all be over soon. All Sarah had to do was hold on a few more minutes. And then…then she could finally acknowledge the death. Her spirit had been crushed in being abandoned again. At this point, Sarah couldn’t even find the energy to go on living for her daughter.

“I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered. “I hope you have all the happiness your father and I could never give you.”

Soon enough, she was rushed to the operating room. Soon enough, a remarkably healthy baby girl was born. Sarah never knew. She gave in to the anesthesia easily. And as she slept, she chose never to wake up. As the beeps on the monitor flattened to a dull line, attendants rushed to save her. In a nearby room, Valerie Bond began to cry in her father’s arms.

But it was over.

Something had died. Sarah Jane had known it all along. She only needed to give in.

[ooc: based on rp in milliways bar. blamed on finals period.]
his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - the other one)
Four

It had become her favorite thing to do lately. There was something soothing about showing off her daughter to others. In holding the girl and reminding herself again and again that, despite all the hardships, she could almost feel calm. Despite the fact that she had her father’s colouring, Sarah found that taking care of her daughter was an amazing escape. She could forget and she could be happy.

Four weeks after the first time she had brought Valerie to the bar, Sarah Jane was back yet again. She’d come here at least twice a week, hoping to run into someone who hadn’t yet met Valerie Bond. In Sarah’s opinion, her daughter was absolutely perfect. Valerie had her mother’s nose and face, and even if those startling blue eyes hurt to look at times, Sarah was utterly in love.

Today really was no different than the others. After ‘work’ (still on maternity/medical leave, she did her writing at the house), she came to Milliways for dinner. With a mortgage still to pay, a cat to take care of, and a child to nurture, it was cheaper to eat on a tab than pay for actual groceries. With Valerie in her pram, she was able to sit at the bar tonight to enjoy her cheeseburger. As she ate, she gently rocked the pram and watched her daughter sleep. Sarah was rather preoccupied tonight. She didn’t even notice the gentleman sit down on the other side of Valerie.

“You have quite the beautiful child,” the man spoke with a gentle accent. “How old is she?”

Sarah Jane looked up from her meal, momentarily taken by surprise. He looked so very, very familiar. She blinked, frowning as she looked him over. When had he come back? “Simon?”

“Pardon?”

“Simon Skinner?” Sarah shook her head. She couldn’t understand why he looked so confused. “I know it’s been a while, but… well, aren’t you?”

“No,” he answered rather frankly. “The name’s Bond. James Bond.”

“No you’re not.”

The man laughed, giving her a look of amazed puzzlement. “I’m not?”

“You most certainly are not,” Sarah responded sharply. “I married the man, you see. And he left me and my daughter the moment this new life got too difficult for him. I know James Bond all too well and you’re not him.”

Sarah crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at him, almost daring him to respond. She couldn’t believe this stranger or Simon, whoever he was, had the bloody cheek to come up to her and claim to be James Bond. After everything she had gone through (and Sarah was more than certain that by now, the whole bar proper knew her saga), this was far on the bottom of the list of things Sarah Jane wanted to deal with.

But she hadn’t expected the man’s reaction. He looked at her curiously before reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out an ID card. He slid it on the bar surface before reaching in to stroke Valerie’s hair. At first, Sarah’s heart skipped a beat as she worried that he may harm her. She was ready to yell until she saw the look on his face. It was that of regret and sorrow. Almost as if he had lost someone important to him, too. Valerie’s only reaction to the new hand was a gentle and dreamy sigh. Semi-confident that her daughter was safe, Sarah Jane reached for the ID.

And then, she nearly fainted when she saw the name.

“Her name is Valerie,” she whispered, still in a sort of shock. It was shock accompanied by heart ache accompanied by a sort of odd, desperate hope. Sarah had absolutely no idea what to make of this encounter at all. “Valerie Charlotte Bond.”

The man - James - looked up at Sarah, moving his hand away from Valerie to pick up the card and slide it back in his wallet. The haunted look had been replaced by a more stoic one, but nothing nearly as stoic as she had ever seen on her James’ face. Still, staring at him was enough to bring tears to her eyes. It had seemed like so long since her last cry over this whole mess. Sarah felt ridiculous crying in front of a man she never met.

But, as he got up from his barstool to wrap her in a gentle hug, she found herself not caring at all. She suddenly felt something she hadn’t in months: a glimmer of hope that she only prayed wasn’t misplaced. It was glorious and painful all at the same time.

Eventually, they pulled apart. James reached for a napkin from the counter and gently wiped her eyes. She smiled awkwardly in return, feeling bashful and silly all at the same time.

“I’m Sarah Jane,” she whispered, unable to break gaze from his eyes. Sarah didn’t believe in love at first sight, but right now, she wondered if anything was really possible. “It’s… it’s rather nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” he replied softly. James nodded to her previously abandoned meal. “Is company at all welcomed?”

“I’d love it.”

[ooc: based on events in milliways bar. also, random trivia knowledge also inspiring prompt: timothy dalton bond = the fourth bond.]
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
“Sarah Bond?”

Sarah Jane looked up when she hears her name. She had spent most of the early morning entertaining herself through Valerie’s kicks. Breakfast had been served, but like days before, she hadn’t found herself hungry enough to eat it. Instead, the tray had been pushed to the side and remained there for the morning. Caught up in her small form of entertainment, Sarah had nearly forgotten that she was supposed to see a new doctor today.

A psychiatrist, she thought with a sigh as she looks the man over. She hadn’t had to see one of those in ten years – ever since Andrea’s death and her own case of post-traumatic shock. The man looked friendly enough. He wasn’t all that tall, with graying hair and glasses. He held a file in one hand as he closed the door behind him with the other.

“Hello,” he said as he walked closer to the bed. “And congratulations, I see. Is it a boy or a girl, or do you prefer not to know?”

“A girl,” Sarah answered quietly, placing her hands protectively on her stomach. “Valerie Charlotte.”

“A lovely name.” Then, the doctor held out a hand that Sarah shook almost reluctantly. “I’m Dr Geoffrey Traviss, a psychiatry resident here. I’ve been assigned to your case. I was told your husband brought you in? Where is he now?”

Sarah Jane shrugged, suddenly falling silent. She hated therapy the first time she had to go through it. She had a feeling it wouldn’t be any different this time.

“At work. We’re… well, we’re currently separated.”

He nods, writing down a few words in his folder. “Is there any particular reason why?”

“He doesn’t like this whole sort of domesticity idea. He’s… well, he’s uncomfortable and unhappy with it,” she explained with a sigh. “He’s used to… to much more freedom. To not settling down.”

Another nod. Then, he peered over his folder to give Sarah a concerned look. In a quiet voice, “Valerie wasn’t planned, was she?”

Sarah shook her head, bursting in to tears. She tried to bury her face in her hands, wishing that Dr Traviss would go away and she could just be left alone. But he didn’t. Instead, a box of tissues was handed to her – a box of tissues that had already been well used within the morning. He waited patiently for Sarah to calm down.

“I’m sorry, Sarah,” he said quietly. From behind the tears and tissues, Sarah saw him look at the breakfast tray. “I have written down that this isn’t the first time you’ve had therapy. Can you tell me about the first time?”

“A friend died.” Sarah still couldn’t look up. “I was thirteen and a friend talked me into playing on a pier and she fell and I couldn’t save her. I thought James would be different. I didn’t think he’d leave me too.”

“Have you been left by a lot of people? I can’t find any indications of family beyond your husband on here, Sarah.”

“Dead,” she murmured. Sarah Jane sighed. “Do we have to do this?”

“I’m afraid so,” he responded. “It’s important that you get better, not just for Valerie, but for your own sake, Sarah. And we can work on it. I promise, as soon as you start to show signs of no longer endangering yourself or your baby, you can leave. We’ll switch to out-patient sessions. But right now, we can’t let you go anywhere. Tell me, do you want to keep Valerie, Sarah?”

Yes. No. Yes. She couldn’t decide which to answer with. Finally she just sighed, hands hugging her stomach. Seven and a half months pregnant. Valerie would be here soon. “I… I don’t know. I thought so and then, then there was this and I didn’t want to but I’ve never had a child before and it’s my daughter and… I think so. Yes.”

Dr Traviss nodded. “Then we’re going to have to work together to reach that goal. We’re in the twenty-first century, Sarah Bond. Many women raise their daughters without husbands. You don’t have to be any different.”

Sarah Jane shakes her head, feeling the tears come again. “I want to be. I want my husband.”

“Sarah,” he said quietly. “You have Valerie now. Isn’t she more important?”

She shrugged. She hadn’t planned on this – on any of this. And there were so many things that she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him how she had to leave her world behind or how she lost her best friend in the world because of what she had done. She couldn’t tell him how her husband was a spy and how she was fictional here. She couldn’t tell him any of this. Sarah Jane had a sinking suspicion that this would be one of the hardest things she’d ever have to do.

She hated it.

“You can do this,” he continued. “You let yourself come here and that certainly is a start. Don’t worry, Sarah. You’ll get through this. And I promise that when you’re through here, I won’t see you again for a long time.”

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Sarah Jane Smith

April 2011

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