Sarah Jane Smith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
his_sarah_jane) wrote2008-01-14 01:01 pm
his_sarah_jane) wrote2008-01-14 01:01 pm
Entry tags:
[Theatrical Muse] Response
"There's enough sorrow in the world, isn't there, without trying to invent it." --E.M.Forster, A Room With A View.
She had thought that all of the bad parts of her life were over. She had thought that coming here, that giving up her old life – that all of that signified the start of something new. She had thought that things would be different this time. She didn’t think it could happen again. She didn’t think she was capable of losing anybody else.
But there it was, in black and white. She held the paper in her hand. She saw the look on Villiers’s face. He was always so transparent with emotions. Always. In the three years of being married to James, he was the only other MI-6er she had truly gotten to know. Perhaps it was because of their shared knowledge of Milliways. Or perhaps it was because he often times seemed the most human of the lot. Either way, he had been the one selected to tell her the news.
After three years of marriage, she was a widow. Despite his promise of being home in time for their daughter’s third birthday, he never would be home. He would never be home again.
She stared blankly as Villiers continued. She was certain that a good half of what he was saying was MI-6 propaganda. Not quite the same speech they gave all the widows (after all, a spy’s profession was secret), but something close. That he was a good man. That he had served his country and queen well. That he had been a loyal and valuable employee. That they were sad to see him go. The only part that possibly seemed real was his sympathy.
But Villier’s had never really lost anyone he loved. He didn’t understand how difficult it was. She had lost her parents, she had lost her best friend, and in a lot of ways, she had lost her world. But she had never expected to lose her husband, despite his career. It simply never happened in the films. James Bond always escaped, always lived, always got the girl in the end. How could he leave the girl behind? How could he leave her behind?
“Sarah?” Villiers placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you all right?”
She shook her head, unable to speak. All her vocalizations were trapped in her head. The only nose she could utter was a broken heated sob. He was gone. Yet another person she loved had died before her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
Except for one thing.
“I need to be alone,” she muttered, not trusting herself to look up at the man. The paper crinkled in her hand as she closed it into a fist. It was difficult to talk. “I need to make arrangements. Valerie can’t know yet, not until after her birthday. And she’ll be waking from her nap at any moment.”
“I understand,” he replied gently. Then, he leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Take care, Sarah.”
She nodded. Her ability to speak was once again lost. As Villier’s showed himself out, Sarah Jane went up to her bedroom to cry. She had already spent five long weeks without James. It was hard to imagine that she would never have him back. She had never lost a husband before. She had never imagined it would happen this soon.
The door shut loudly behind her as she fell on to the bed. She curled her body in to a tight ball, hugging her knees to her chest. There was no comforting hand, though. There were no warm tears to soothe the ache in her chest. She couldn’t cry anymore. All she could do was consider the consequences as she stared at the empty spot on the bed that belonged to her husband.
They had planned for this. It hadn’t been until after Valerie had been born and their relationship had smoothed out. But they had planned. There was money set aside in the bank. There was compensation Sarah and Valerie would receive from the government. He had conceded to a small funeral at her begging. But after that, as soon as possible, the townhouse would have to be sold. They surviving Bonds would move and live under Sarah’s maiden name. It was agreed that there would be no chances taken. Valerie was too important.
She had to start. Sarah whimpered at the thought, hugging her legs closer to her chest. She had to call the funeral home. She had to find a town to live in. There was so much to do. She didn’t want to do any of it.
He was dead.
The next three weeks passed by uneventfully. Sarah hadn’t quite announced her husband’s death. There was still so much to do. She had only barely begun the search for a new place to live. The energy she put into maintaining normality each day was far too wearing. For her daughter, she had to remain cheerful. She had to promise every night that James would be home in time. They would have a party, the three of them, she’d say. Valerie would smile, appeased by the promises.
The weeks passed by too quickly. Before long, March seventh had arrived. Her little girl was now three years old. She was a vision in blue today – her favorite colour, she claimed, ‘cause it was the colour of hers and Daddy’s eyes. In one hand, she had her favorite teddy bear. Her hair was as neat as possible, blonde bangs trimmed her eyebrows while the rest of her hair was pulled back into a pink bow. It almost hurt Sarah to look at her.
It hurt Sarah even more to have to consistently lie to her daughter through out the day. Every hour exactly on the hour Valerie would run to her mother, eyes wide and excited as she asked when Daddy was going to be home. Every time, she would have to push the hurt in her eyes away as she picked up her daughter in a tight hug and whispered, “soon.”
But as dinner approached, the birthday girl became more restless. She insisted on not opening gifts until Daddy was home. She insisted they not eat without him. She was close to throwing a tantrum. Her father had promised. Her mother had promised. And yet, he wasn’t here. Finally, angry and exhausted, Valerie retired to the couch in the sitting room.
When Sarah Jane finally found her there, Valerie was fast asleep with her head rested on the teddy bear and her arms. Cat nestled next to her. For a minute, Sarah just stared. Although she had seen scenes like this many times before, there was something different about it this time. It wasn’t just the missing dog that usually would keep his eye on the sleeping girl (she had shut off K-9 the day she found out about James’ death in anger). It was the finality of the moment. When Valerie awoke in the morning, she’d have to tell her the truth:
James would never be coming back.
Finally, after weeks of holding back, she collapsed on the floor and cried. There were so many tears, so many broken promises, and so many lost futures. She couldn’t handle it anymore. He was gone. He was gone.
“Shh. Darling, Sarah. Please don’t cry.”
She almost didn’t hear the voice. She almost didn’t feel the strong arms wrap around her. The hand on her face was coarse and bandaged; funny, she almost didn’t feel that either. After all, it was impossible. Logically, she would hallucinate. Logically, it would be him. But it couldn’t be because he was dead.
Logically, her phantom would read her thoughts.
“I’m not, Sarah. I’m here now. There’s nothing to cry about. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
“Stop promising,” she mumbled between tears. The fingers wiped at her cheeks. “Doesn’t work. Valerie’s birthday passed.”
“It hasn’t yet,” the voice continued as its grip tightened around her. “And as soon as you calm down, I’m bloody well waking her. But you need to calm down.”
“You’re dead.”
“Sarah.”
Suddenly, the tone of the phantom changed. Her hands were pulled away from her eyes by a forceful grasp. Something tilted her chin up. She had no choice but to look into familiar blue eyes. There were more scars and still healing scrapes on that face. But it was familiar enough.
“Sarah,” James murmured again, “I’m so sorry.”
Before she had any sort of chance to respond or question, he kissed her. It was a deep, passionate kiss very much like all the ones she remembered. It was possessive, reclaiming her love all over again. More than anything, it was real. It was so real that, when he finally pulled away, she slapped him.
“They told me you were dead! I believed them. I thought – oh god, James. Do you know what that sort of grief is like? I’ve gone through so much and….and I thought you were dead! How could you?”
At first, he looked stunned by the action. Then, his eyes crinkled in amusement. She knew that look: it was her look. He rubbed his sore cheek and smiled. “Amnesia, Sarah. I didn’t know better. MI-6 couldn’t find my body in the explosion. It was a logical conclusion.”
“I--”
“—promise never to make you worry like that again,” he deadpanned. “Is that what you want to hear, Sarah? Because you know as well as I do that I can’t promise that.”
She shook her head. All of this was happening so fast, so at once that it made the room spin. Didn’t he understand at all? “I thought you were dead.”
“I’m not.”
“Valerie?”
“Never has to know.” James ducked his head to kiss her again. “No more misplaced sorrow, Sarah. There’s enough of it in the world without you trying to invent more. Now, we owe a little girl her birthday gifts. What do you say?”
There really was only one thing to say. She understood. She did forgive him. But it didn’t change the fact that she had been utterly hurt by his ‘death’. Sarah stared up into his blue eyes, finally daring herself to run a hand over his face. His hair was longer than normal and he was in horrible need of a shave. But it was him. It was so very much him.
For the first time since Villiers’ visit, Sarah Jane smiled. She flung herself into his arms, more than content to be held for the rest of her life. But first things first. She pulled back a little to look up at him again as her smile faded to a glare. She was, after all, still angry with him. “You bloody, selfish, reckless arse! Never, ever again or I swear I’ll purposely forget every reason why I love you.”
“I love you.”
She nodded. This was real. This was happening. He was here, with her and they had a birthday to celebrate. A part of her wanted to convince herself that it was only a dream. But Sarah Jane knew better. Love was the reason for her sorrows. It was also the reason for her hopes.
“I love you, too.”
[based on events in![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
milliways_bar]
She had thought that all of the bad parts of her life were over. She had thought that coming here, that giving up her old life – that all of that signified the start of something new. She had thought that things would be different this time. She didn’t think it could happen again. She didn’t think she was capable of losing anybody else.
But there it was, in black and white. She held the paper in her hand. She saw the look on Villiers’s face. He was always so transparent with emotions. Always. In the three years of being married to James, he was the only other MI-6er she had truly gotten to know. Perhaps it was because of their shared knowledge of Milliways. Or perhaps it was because he often times seemed the most human of the lot. Either way, he had been the one selected to tell her the news.
After three years of marriage, she was a widow. Despite his promise of being home in time for their daughter’s third birthday, he never would be home. He would never be home again.
She stared blankly as Villiers continued. She was certain that a good half of what he was saying was MI-6 propaganda. Not quite the same speech they gave all the widows (after all, a spy’s profession was secret), but something close. That he was a good man. That he had served his country and queen well. That he had been a loyal and valuable employee. That they were sad to see him go. The only part that possibly seemed real was his sympathy.
But Villier’s had never really lost anyone he loved. He didn’t understand how difficult it was. She had lost her parents, she had lost her best friend, and in a lot of ways, she had lost her world. But she had never expected to lose her husband, despite his career. It simply never happened in the films. James Bond always escaped, always lived, always got the girl in the end. How could he leave the girl behind? How could he leave her behind?
“Sarah?” Villiers placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you all right?”
She shook her head, unable to speak. All her vocalizations were trapped in her head. The only nose she could utter was a broken heated sob. He was gone. Yet another person she loved had died before her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
Except for one thing.
“I need to be alone,” she muttered, not trusting herself to look up at the man. The paper crinkled in her hand as she closed it into a fist. It was difficult to talk. “I need to make arrangements. Valerie can’t know yet, not until after her birthday. And she’ll be waking from her nap at any moment.”
“I understand,” he replied gently. Then, he leaned over to kiss her cheek. “Take care, Sarah.”
She nodded. Her ability to speak was once again lost. As Villier’s showed himself out, Sarah Jane went up to her bedroom to cry. She had already spent five long weeks without James. It was hard to imagine that she would never have him back. She had never lost a husband before. She had never imagined it would happen this soon.
The door shut loudly behind her as she fell on to the bed. She curled her body in to a tight ball, hugging her knees to her chest. There was no comforting hand, though. There were no warm tears to soothe the ache in her chest. She couldn’t cry anymore. All she could do was consider the consequences as she stared at the empty spot on the bed that belonged to her husband.
They had planned for this. It hadn’t been until after Valerie had been born and their relationship had smoothed out. But they had planned. There was money set aside in the bank. There was compensation Sarah and Valerie would receive from the government. He had conceded to a small funeral at her begging. But after that, as soon as possible, the townhouse would have to be sold. They surviving Bonds would move and live under Sarah’s maiden name. It was agreed that there would be no chances taken. Valerie was too important.
She had to start. Sarah whimpered at the thought, hugging her legs closer to her chest. She had to call the funeral home. She had to find a town to live in. There was so much to do. She didn’t want to do any of it.
He was dead.
The next three weeks passed by uneventfully. Sarah hadn’t quite announced her husband’s death. There was still so much to do. She had only barely begun the search for a new place to live. The energy she put into maintaining normality each day was far too wearing. For her daughter, she had to remain cheerful. She had to promise every night that James would be home in time. They would have a party, the three of them, she’d say. Valerie would smile, appeased by the promises.
The weeks passed by too quickly. Before long, March seventh had arrived. Her little girl was now three years old. She was a vision in blue today – her favorite colour, she claimed, ‘cause it was the colour of hers and Daddy’s eyes. In one hand, she had her favorite teddy bear. Her hair was as neat as possible, blonde bangs trimmed her eyebrows while the rest of her hair was pulled back into a pink bow. It almost hurt Sarah to look at her.
It hurt Sarah even more to have to consistently lie to her daughter through out the day. Every hour exactly on the hour Valerie would run to her mother, eyes wide and excited as she asked when Daddy was going to be home. Every time, she would have to push the hurt in her eyes away as she picked up her daughter in a tight hug and whispered, “soon.”
But as dinner approached, the birthday girl became more restless. She insisted on not opening gifts until Daddy was home. She insisted they not eat without him. She was close to throwing a tantrum. Her father had promised. Her mother had promised. And yet, he wasn’t here. Finally, angry and exhausted, Valerie retired to the couch in the sitting room.
When Sarah Jane finally found her there, Valerie was fast asleep with her head rested on the teddy bear and her arms. Cat nestled next to her. For a minute, Sarah just stared. Although she had seen scenes like this many times before, there was something different about it this time. It wasn’t just the missing dog that usually would keep his eye on the sleeping girl (she had shut off K-9 the day she found out about James’ death in anger). It was the finality of the moment. When Valerie awoke in the morning, she’d have to tell her the truth:
James would never be coming back.
Finally, after weeks of holding back, she collapsed on the floor and cried. There were so many tears, so many broken promises, and so many lost futures. She couldn’t handle it anymore. He was gone. He was gone.
“Shh. Darling, Sarah. Please don’t cry.”
She almost didn’t hear the voice. She almost didn’t feel the strong arms wrap around her. The hand on her face was coarse and bandaged; funny, she almost didn’t feel that either. After all, it was impossible. Logically, she would hallucinate. Logically, it would be him. But it couldn’t be because he was dead.
Logically, her phantom would read her thoughts.
“I’m not, Sarah. I’m here now. There’s nothing to cry about. Everything will be okay. I promise.”
“Stop promising,” she mumbled between tears. The fingers wiped at her cheeks. “Doesn’t work. Valerie’s birthday passed.”
“It hasn’t yet,” the voice continued as its grip tightened around her. “And as soon as you calm down, I’m bloody well waking her. But you need to calm down.”
“You’re dead.”
“Sarah.”
Suddenly, the tone of the phantom changed. Her hands were pulled away from her eyes by a forceful grasp. Something tilted her chin up. She had no choice but to look into familiar blue eyes. There were more scars and still healing scrapes on that face. But it was familiar enough.
“Sarah,” James murmured again, “I’m so sorry.”
Before she had any sort of chance to respond or question, he kissed her. It was a deep, passionate kiss very much like all the ones she remembered. It was possessive, reclaiming her love all over again. More than anything, it was real. It was so real that, when he finally pulled away, she slapped him.
“They told me you were dead! I believed them. I thought – oh god, James. Do you know what that sort of grief is like? I’ve gone through so much and….and I thought you were dead! How could you?”
At first, he looked stunned by the action. Then, his eyes crinkled in amusement. She knew that look: it was her look. He rubbed his sore cheek and smiled. “Amnesia, Sarah. I didn’t know better. MI-6 couldn’t find my body in the explosion. It was a logical conclusion.”
“I--”
“—promise never to make you worry like that again,” he deadpanned. “Is that what you want to hear, Sarah? Because you know as well as I do that I can’t promise that.”
She shook her head. All of this was happening so fast, so at once that it made the room spin. Didn’t he understand at all? “I thought you were dead.”
“I’m not.”
“Valerie?”
“Never has to know.” James ducked his head to kiss her again. “No more misplaced sorrow, Sarah. There’s enough of it in the world without you trying to invent more. Now, we owe a little girl her birthday gifts. What do you say?”
There really was only one thing to say. She understood. She did forgive him. But it didn’t change the fact that she had been utterly hurt by his ‘death’. Sarah stared up into his blue eyes, finally daring herself to run a hand over his face. His hair was longer than normal and he was in horrible need of a shave. But it was him. It was so very much him.
For the first time since Villiers’ visit, Sarah Jane smiled. She flung herself into his arms, more than content to be held for the rest of her life. But first things first. She pulled back a little to look up at him again as her smile faded to a glare. She was, after all, still angry with him. “You bloody, selfish, reckless arse! Never, ever again or I swear I’ll purposely forget every reason why I love you.”
“I love you.”
She nodded. This was real. This was happening. He was here, with her and they had a birthday to celebrate. A part of her wanted to convince herself that it was only a dream. But Sarah Jane knew better. Love was the reason for her sorrows. It was also the reason for her hopes.
“I love you, too.”
[based on events in
milliways_bar]
no subject
no subject
no subject
I come to youuuuu
Much wiser than myyyyyyyyyyy gooodbyeeeeeeeeee to yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu
Iiiiiiiiiii've traaaaaaaveled the universe, to fiiiiiiiiind
I must retuuuuuuurn, from Gallifrey, with loooooove
I've seen Daaleks, Zygoons
And smiiiiled for a mooomeeent
But ooooh, you hauunted me sooo
Still my tooongue tiied
Youung priiide would noooooooot leeeeeeet my looooooove fooor you shoooooow
In caaaase you'd say nooooooooo
Too Gallifreeey I teleporteeed
But theere and theeeen
I suudenly kneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew you'd caaaaaaaaaaaaaare agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain
Myyy time traaveliiing is throoooooooooooough
I turn to yoooooooooooooooou
From Gaaaaallifreey with LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject