his_sarah_jane | [Milliways] OOM: James' Flat, London, 2006

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[Milliways] OOM: James' Flat, London, 2006

After their discussion days ago regarding moving the wedding up to ...well, to sometime relatively soon, Sarah Jane had promised to start looking in to details (as long as he would do the same, of course). But that had been days ago, and since then Sarah Jane had no more opened the wedding magazine she had brought than even began looking at the calender for a date.

Instead, she busies herself today with working on an article for a small London newspaper. The magazine sits somewhere on the table, buried under notes and photographs and books. It rests there, almost forgotten, as she works and wonders.

How long has it been since her last trip with the Doctor? Sarah thumps her pencil against the table, and when she reaches for the calender, it's not to look for a wedding date at all.

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Her hope isn't making things any better for him. In fact, it makes him more dreadfully sick than the prospect of leaving her. She's young and inexperienced and not a little bit immature. She believes that things will work if she wishes just hard enough. James knows different. He knows that even the biggest hope couldn't save what didn't work, what was already marked for death. He knows it just as surely as he knows that the mania reflected in Sarah Jane's face is the same mania that drove him confess he'd do anything to bring Vesper back to life.

Quietly, looking at her steadily, he replies, "I can't do that, Sarah."

He face falls quickly and she lets the tears come back.

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

"Then marry me, James. At the very least, don't give up on me yet."

He lays his other hand on top of hers, feeling more like the very much older partner than he ever has in their relationship.

"Listen, Sarah: if we get married, there's no guarantee that things will get better than that. A sheet of paper's not going to solve our problems. What are we going to do then, when we realize that neither of can stand it anymore? Run off and see the world? I couldn't possibly do that, not with my job. I'd have to resign, and I'm not doing that again. I have what I have. I can't afford starting over. You're young, Sarah. You can start over. I can't."

"I don't want to," Sarah mumbles. "At least not without you."

He's right. Out of the two of them, she is the younger. Yet, it's not so much a matter of having the potential of starting a new life rather than realising something she had fought to accept all this time. She's the younger. She can't come here and expect him to change his her life for her. It's not what Sarah Jane ever wanted anyway.

"You're right," she finally says, shaking her head firmly. "It was a daft, mad idea that I threw out there in desperation. We both have jobs - careers - that we've worked to built. And we honestly can't abandon them on a spree, can we?

"But... but what I can do is ...oh, I can finally grow up, can't I? Get over myself and my stupid worries and fully respect you as a man who loves me but needs to live your own life as well. Let you go out with Tanner or one of your other friends, male or not!, and not stay up until you get home."

She took a quick breath, thinking the rest of her words through. It was always hard for Sarah to admit when she was wrong, and the struggle shows on her face now. "I had no intention of playing housewife when we started this thing together and it's about time I stop.

"...I think you're right. I do need to start over, but I need to start over as your compliment rather than someone trying to smother you. Or neither of us are ever going to be happy, are we?"

Sarah Jane, he must admit, is terribly good at arguing her case. And this is an argument he can agree to. He nods. "Sit down."

She nods and sits with absolutely no disagreement. Still, she keeps his hand folded tightly in hers as if afraid to let go.

Which, clearly, she is.

He focuses on their entwined hands for a few moments, then takes a breath and speaks: "Listen, I think we ought to try living apart for a while."

Sarah frowns as she tosses the words around in her head. Meeting his gaze, she quirks an eyebrow. "You were the one who suggested I move in with you, if you remember."

James grins, a little guiltily. "I did. And now I think I might've suggested it too soon. We've been moving fast, Sarah. Very fast. Too fast, if you ask me. Getting married won't change anything."

She almost wants to laugh at that guilty grin. It would certainly relieve the tension inside of her.

"I haven't complained. Well, much," Sarah Jane replies with a shrug. Her face becomes thoughtful while she falls quiet again. "Living apart, does that include Milliways as well? Because I have grown rather fond of having a place to escape to when the Doctor doesn't seem likely to bring me home."

"You can stay in the flat in Milliways."

Sarah nods, glancing down at the engagement ring for a moment. "Does that mean you'll be wanting this back? I mean, well. I've never quite done any of this before and it doesn't sound like you're breaking up with me."

There's another pause and she grins. "Time apart probably could do us both some good. Although I would like to reserve the right to a date every week or so."

"Darling, you can keep the ring. Even if we do wind up--well, it's yours. I bought it for you. As for the dates--it really depends on whether I'm in town, doesn't it?" He winks.

"And the engagement?" The eyebrow goes back up.

"Although before you answer that, I would like to point out that I did say every week or so, thanks all the same. It would also depend if I'm around, you see."

"The engagement..I suppose we'd have to play that by ear, wouldn't we?"

She nods, frowning slightly. "What about for now? Despite living apart... do you still want me as a fiancee?"

James glances at the floor, looking vaguely uncomfortable. "I think it's best that we call off the engagement for now."

Tears fill Sarah's eyes at the words. Her second engagement and still, again, she couldn't seem to get past anything remotely resembling wedding plans.

It stung. But not as much as her fear in losing James.

Quietly, "And the relationship?"

He lifts a hand to her cheek. "The relationship isn't over. I still want to be with you, Sarah, but not like this. Not when we're both unhappy. We need to be absolutely certain that we can handle marriage before we agree to it."

She closed her eyes to lean her cheek further into his hand. It always feels so...right to be touched by him. Right now, she needs to savour that.

"Then dates." Sarah opens her eyes to look at him, placing her hand on top of his. "Once a week, permitting we're both around to meet. We can't avoid each other to make this work, just like we can't smother each other either.

"And I'd like so very much to make this work."

He nods, grinning at her softly. "I can agree to that arrangement."

"Good," she murmurs, lifting her head up kiss his lips gently. "I do love you, James. So very much."

"I love you, too, Sarah. We'll make this work."

"There really is only one way to find out, isn't there?"

Sarah sighs, squeezing his hand as she leans back in the sofa. This is better than the alternative. She still has her independence and she still has him.

"I suppose I have some packing to get to then."

James doesn't say anything. He leans back on the sofa with her, leaning closer to her than he was before.

[Milliways] OOM: James' Flat, London, 2006

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