From the Journal of Sarah Jane

She had received a text mere hours before. James was on his way home from his unknown destination and Sarah Jane had been more than eager (and more than nervous) to see him again. Maybe they could finally talk. Maybe they could finally figure things out. Maybe they could act like the mature adults they were supposed to be.

But fate, it seemed, had other plans.

In the midst of working on last minute preparations on Valerie's room, her water broke. Eleven days earlier than expected, Sarah and James' daughter was too impatient to wait any longer. Sarah panicked. Now she was on the way to the hospital and terrified that James might not get back at time. No matter what state their relationship was in, she wanted him to be here for this.

By the time the car service pulled in, Sarah Jane felt exhausted already. After reception and the like, she was shown to a room. The nurse reassured her that it would only be a matter of time now, that everything would be okay. But after a visit from Dr Ross minutes later, Sarah wasn't certain that everything would be okay after all. The umbilical cord whad slipped in to the birth canal ahead of Valerie. There would have to be surgery.

The nurse went out to attempt to call James again as another began to prep Sarah Jane.

As she eats each passing day, Sarah Jane grows more and more restless in her hospital room. It had almost seemed a strange sensation the first day, when the nurse brought dinner shortly after Dr Traviss had left. She had been unable to eat much that meal: only a very small portion of the Sheppard’s pie that had come with it. The next day, for breakfast, she had found herself capable of eating little more. And so the trend had continued.

It isn’t easy though. She still can’t find that appetite she once had. Sarah eats until she’s eaten enough to please Valerie and then she stops. All the therapy sessions in the world, it seems, are incapable of mending her heart. Sarah Jane still silently hopes James will come back. She wishes this was all a nightmare. All the therapy sessions in the world are incapable of her understanding James’ choices at the moment.

Yet, slowly she learns about what it means to be a parent. Yes, her own emotions (the heartache she is certain she will always bear) are important. But what is more so is Valerie. She had reached this conclusion before, but it had never seemed to stick. She had promised Dr Ross that she would eat. Instead, she had wound up in the hospital with an IV feeding both herself and her daughter the nutrition she had denied them. This time, though, Sarah feels more determined. Her talks with Dr Traviss this past week have done a lot. Sarah feels as if she’s learning.

She’s been reminded that, as much as it hurts to be abandoned now, that isn’t her future forever. James may still change his mind. He may, as her psychiatrist puts it, stop feeling afraid when he holds his own daughter. But, he tells her day after day, she’ll always have Valerie. And isn’t that something? Having a child, he tells her, is the most rewarding experience one can have. Seven and a half months pregnant now, Sarah Jane thinks that she may agree.

So, finally, the day comes that Dr Traviss promises she’ll be released the next day. Sarah has made enough progress with her mental and physical state that he deems it safe to treat her outpatient rather than keep her confined. Sarah Jane beams with joy at that, promising him that she’ll continue to eat and make every appointment to see him at his clinic.

The only problem, she realizes as she carefully dresses herself in the maternity clothing she came in with, is that it means seeing James.

And it means all the heartache will come right back.

“Sarah Bond?”

Sarah Jane looked up when she hears her name. She had spent most of the early morning entertaining herself through Valerie’s kicks. Breakfast had been served, but like days before, she hadn’t found herself hungry enough to eat it. Instead, the tray had been pushed to the side and remained there for the morning. Caught up in her small form of entertainment, Sarah had nearly forgotten that she was supposed to see a new doctor today.

A psychiatrist, she thought with a sigh as she looks the man over. She hadn’t had to see one of those in ten years – ever since Andrea’s death and her own case of post-traumatic shock. The man looked friendly enough. He wasn’t all that tall, with graying hair and glasses. He held a file in one hand as he closed the door behind him with the other.

“Hello,” he said as he walked closer to the bed. “And congratulations, I see. Is it a boy or a girl, or do you prefer not to know?”

“A girl,” Sarah answered quietly, placing her hands protectively on her stomach. “Valerie Charlotte.”

“A lovely name.” Then, the doctor held out a hand that Sarah shook almost reluctantly. “I’m Dr Geoffrey Traviss, a psychiatry resident here. I’ve been assigned to your case. I was told your husband brought you in? Where is he now?”

Sarah Jane shrugged, suddenly falling silent. She hated therapy the first time she had to go through it. She had a feeling it wouldn’t be any different this time.

“At work. We’re… well, we’re currently separated.”

He nods, writing down a few words in his folder. “Is there any particular reason why?”

“He doesn’t like this whole sort of domesticity idea. He’s… well, he’s uncomfortable and unhappy with it,” she explained with a sigh. “He’s used to… to much more freedom. To not settling down.”

Another nod. Then, he peered over his folder to give Sarah a concerned look. In a quiet voice, “Valerie wasn’t planned, was she?”

Sarah shook her head, bursting in to tears. She tried to bury her face in her hands, wishing that Dr Traviss would go away and she could just be left alone. But he didn’t. Instead, a box of tissues was handed to her – a box of tissues that had already been well used within the morning. He waited patiently for Sarah to calm down.

“I’m sorry, Sarah,” he said quietly. From behind the tears and tissues, Sarah saw him look at the breakfast tray. “I have written down that this isn’t the first time you’ve had therapy. Can you tell me about the first time?”

“A friend died.” Sarah still couldn’t look up. “I was thirteen and a friend talked me into playing on a pier and she fell and I couldn’t save her. I thought James would be different. I didn’t think he’d leave me too.”

“Have you been left by a lot of people? I can’t find any indications of family beyond your husband on here, Sarah.”

“Dead,” she murmured. Sarah Jane sighed. “Do we have to do this?”

“I’m afraid so,” he responded. “It’s important that you get better, not just for Valerie, but for your own sake, Sarah. And we can work on it. I promise, as soon as you start to show signs of no longer endangering yourself or your baby, you can leave. We’ll switch to out-patient sessions. But right now, we can’t let you go anywhere. Tell me, do you want to keep Valerie, Sarah?”

Yes. No. Yes. She couldn’t decide which to answer with. Finally she just sighed, hands hugging her stomach. Seven and a half months pregnant. Valerie would be here soon. “I… I don’t know. I thought so and then, then there was this and I didn’t want to but I’ve never had a child before and it’s my daughter and… I think so. Yes.”

Dr Traviss nodded. “Then we’re going to have to work together to reach that goal. We’re in the twenty-first century, Sarah Bond. Many women raise their daughters without husbands. You don’t have to be any different.”

Sarah Jane shakes her head, feeling the tears come again. “I want to be. I want my husband.”

“Sarah,” he said quietly. “You have Valerie now. Isn’t she more important?”

She shrugged. She hadn’t planned on this – on any of this. And there were so many things that she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him how she had to leave her world behind or how she lost her best friend in the world because of what she had done. She couldn’t tell him how her husband was a spy and how she was fictional here. She couldn’t tell him any of this. Sarah Jane had a sinking suspicion that this would be one of the hardest things she’d ever have to do.

She hated it.

“You can do this,” he continued. “You let yourself come here and that certainly is a start. Don’t worry, Sarah. You’ll get through this. And I promise that when you’re through here, I won’t see you again for a long time.”

“Sarah, you haven’t been eating, have you?”

She looks innocently at Dr Ross, eyes wide and sincere. Sarah Jane hadn’t wanted to go to her appointment today. It was the first one since James left. Lately, every kick reminded her of the life she wasn’t going to have. It was easier to go through the motions. She went to work, did the minimum required of her, and went home to bed. While Cat was fed (for the most part), she had barely eaten anything herself. It had been like that for the past week, ever since storming out of Milliways. And she hadn’t been back.

“Sarah?”

She takes a breath and glances away. There’s a small shake of her head, but small enough to be noticed by her doctor.

“You can’t stop eating, especially not now, Sarah. Valerie needs the nutrition to keep growing. You do want her to be healthy, don’t you? I know how important your daughter is to-- Sarah?”

Her head was buried in hands that were growing increasingly damper by the second. The medical gown hitched across her bulge as she brought her knees upward on the table. She had been holding all the tears back day after day, but she couldn’t anymore. Sarah keeps crying until she starts to hiccup. She misses him. She misses him so much.

Dr Ross continues to stand there patiently, a hand on Sarah’s shoulder. When Sarah Jane finally stops crying, she asks gently, “What is it, Sarah?”

“I don’t… it’s… James and I are separated,” she replies. “I don’t know if he loves me anymore and I just… I wish I never got pregnant in the first place. Then I could… I could forget about him, and this, and resume travelling and…”

“Sarah, do you want this?” Dr Ross interrupts gently. “Because the way you’re treating Valerie right now isn’t fair to her. She needs you to stay healthy and fit. I don’t know the situation between you and your husband, and I won’t pretend to. It’s only two more months. You owe it to your daughter to see this through. And after that, if you’d like, we can make other arrangements.”

Other arrangements? Sarah hiccups again, looking up at the other woman. What other options are there? She’s pregnant and stuck in someone else’s world and she always will be as long as she has her daughter. There’s adoption but…

“I don’t want to. I… both my parents died when I was younger. I want Valerie to know hers,” she answers, taking a steadying breath. Adoption would be so simple. It would make the heartache go away, wouldn’t it? “I can’t… I.. I think about it lately, but I can’t.”

She just wants James back. She wants those vows they said to each other back in September to mean something. Sarah doesn’t understand how he could fall out of love so quickly. They had been so in love four months ago. There was that wonderful honeymoon on Eiattu and the promise of a wonderful life together. And then, somewhere, it all went away. She didn’t even notice that moment. She had been so content.

“I want James back,” Sarah cries. She tries to pull her knees up further but can’t. Her stomach sticks out far too much by now. It’s absolutely unfair. If anything else, she is so very tired of being pregnant. “It’s bloody pathetic, but it’s what I want.”

“I can’t help you with that.”

“I know.”

“You have to eat, Sarah.”

“I know.”

Dr Ross sighs, giving Sarah a pointed look. “You will, won’t you? James will have to get involved if you don’t, and I sense that you don’t want that right now.”

That catches her attention, and Sarah Jane finally looks up again. She nods weakly. As much as she wants James, she wants to be strong more. She can be mature. She just fails at it when pregnant and alone. But James doesn’t have to know. He never has to if Sarah has any say in the matter.

“I’ll eat,” she relinquishes. “I promise.”

“I want to see you in two weeks. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned.”

Sarah Jane nods. She can do this. She can do it if it’s just for Valerie and for no one else. Her world has shattered and that’s something she doubts that she can ever explain to anyone. She is almost certain that James won’t ever come back. In essence, she’s been abandoned once again. First, there was the Doctor. And then there was James: she has no right to hold him to a life he abhorred, after all. Valerie is helpless in all this.

Valerie doesn’t deserve any of Sarah Jane’s problems. Her life isn’t hers anymore. She’s tried telling herself that again and again and again. Even hearing it from others hasn’t helped. She can’t be that carefree, reckless girl anymore, living life only for herself and her own happiness. Valerie deserves more: she only deserves the best. Sarah can do that, can't she? Be the mother Valerie deserves?

Sarah Jane nods again, placing a hand on her stomach. It hurts. Absolutely everything hurts right now. She’s afraid of being alone, she’s afraid of being abandoned again. She’s too much in love with James to have it hurt any less. She's too much in love to be certain of anything right now.

“I’ll eat,” she repeats again. “And I’ll take care of Valerie and I’ll see you in two weeks. Honestly, Dr Ross.”

“Really, Sarah?”

Sarah nods. “Really.”

Still, the word sounds hollow to Sarah Jane's ears.

Sarah Jane has decided she despises these sorts of visits. She has never actually been entirely fond neither of medical doctors in the first place (Harry Sullivan being the exception, of course) nor of the need for what she’d consider unnecessary time in bed. Maybe it is because of all those times she has wound up in the emergency ward in the past. Or maybe it is because of her impatient nature. Either way, she can’t help but be grumpy as she enters the clinic.

But she knows that she’ll do anything for her child already, even if that means facing uncomfortable appointments with Dr Ross every month. Thankfully, the wait isn’t very long. She still feels a bit like the stranger in this world sometimes, especially after her discovery of Doctor Who. Seeing all the other women in the waiting room - the ones that don’t have to worry about being caught living on a forged identity, the ones whose children truly belong to this world – it hurts sometimes. Sarah doesn’t like watching how happy they are. She doesn’t like how they don’t have to worry about their child messing up any time-space continuums.

Even if it is only her second visit here, the exam is starting to become routine. Dr Ross smiles at her and asks basic questions: How are you? How is your husband doing? Have you felt the baby move? If so, how often? Any spotting? Any horrible aches or pains? How’s that job hunt going? And the new town house? Even if Sarah Jane doesn’t like the clinic as a whole, she’s found herself warming up to her doctor. There is something genuine about the woman. She’s someone who really does love her work and Sarah admires that. Soon enough, her weight is taken and her blood pressure measured. A fetal doppler stethoscope is used to measure the heartbeat. Sarah Jane closes her eyes as she listens to it. The sound will never cease to amaze her.

Then, it’s time for Sarah’s favorite and least favorite part: the ultrasound. It’s the whole reason she walked in here with an uncomfortably full bladder – better to highlight the uterus, according to the instructions given last time. But it’s made her fidget more than usual throughout the entire exam. She lies down on the table and frowns a little when her shirt is rolled up. She’s getting fatter, and even though Sarah knows that it’s perfectly normal, she still feels self conscious about it. A cold gel is rubbed on her belly before Dr Ross starts the exploration.

Sarah Jane can easily see the screen from where she lies. It’s hard for her to make out any significance in the image, but as far as she can tell from Dr Ross’ nods and murmurs, everything seems to be normal. The wait for explanation is interesting and uncomfortable all at the same time. Valerie is moving again and it makes everything all the more unpleasant. Finally, after what seems like forever in Sarah’s opinion, Dr Ross turns away from the screen to smile at her.

“Congratulations, Mrs Bond,” she says. “Everything appears to be in order for your baby. It looks like it’s developing along normally, at the proper size and point of development for a seventeen week old fetus. Would you like me to run you through the anatomy on the screen?”

She nods, feeling rather proud of herself for taking such good care of her body and child (for the most part). After watching the ultrasound this entire time, of course she’d like to know what is on there. So they begin, looking at the digits and limbs and heart and the overall child. Dr Ross promises to get a print out of this ultrasound to Sarah before she leaves. Then, she asks whether or not she would like to know the sex.

“You can tell already?” Sarah asks after blinking a little. It has been something she had been debating. She knows that James has been curious, but truth be told, she herself has grown attached to her hopes. She’s almost afraid of hearing otherwise.

“Yes. Your child is well enough along that I could give you a probable likelihood.”

Seconds later, Sarah Jane caves to her curiosity. Seconds after that, she’s beaming with joy. It’s a girl. She and James are going to have a little girl after all. Valerie Charlotte, she thinks as her eyes fill with tears. She was right. It’s a glorious feeling.

It’s an even better feeling when she gets home later that evening after allowing herself a small shopping trip at Harrods. She had wanted to celebrate, and the best way she could think how was to buy an adorable sleepsuit for Valerie: white with pink petals all over and pink frills on the fronts and the sleeves. For fun, she had the clerk wrap up the box: a present for James when he got home. And now she is home, happily waiting on the reception room couch with her book until he gets home from work. Sarah Jane finds it hard to concentrate though. She’s too busy going over the news again and again. She would rush into Milliways, but James has to be the first to know.

Thankfully, she doesn’t have long to wait. When she hears the door close behind him, Sarah rushes out of the room with the box behind her back. She kisses him hello and, as much as she doesn’t want to give anything away, that over eager smile won’t leave her face. They murmur their hellos and before James has a chance to ask how the doctor’s visit went, Sarah holds the box out to him.

“Surprise,” she whispers as he takes the box with confusion. Sarah Jane giggles as he questions her as to the occasion. She doesn’t say why, only encourages him to undo the wrapping and open it. Her looks at her doubtfully, but, knowing better than to argue does comply. A few moments later and the box and wrapping is dropped on the floor by the door as he holds up the sleepsuit by the hanger.

The look he gives her is clearly expressive of further confusion. She can also see a hint of distaste in his eyes as he studies the garment warily. “What is this?”

She beams, taking it from him and setting it on the coat rack before she reaches for his hand and places it on her stomach. Sarah eyes the floor for a moment, trying to see if the ultrasound is sticking out between the wrapping and tissue paper on the floor.

Finally, “We’re having a girl, James. Dr Ross confirmed it in the ultrasound today. Which was also in the box, you know.”

It takes him a moment. James breathes in and then smiles back with amused resignation. “I guess you were right.”

Sarah nods, bending down to pick up the ultrasound from the pile of rubbish. She hands it to him, pointing out their daughter carefully. When she glances up to see his reaction, the overjoyed beam on his own face makes her heart swell. It is, she decides, the best feeling in the world.

It had been two wonderful weeks of honeymoon spent in a suite on the capital city of Eiattu. The week that followed back in James' - no, their - world had been a busy one. Sarah had had her first appointment with a doctor in London had been successful. Although it was still too early to determine the gender, so far the child was completely healthy.

Aside from that, Sarah Jane had renewed searching for a flat with new interest. After a meeting with a real estate agent today, she came home absolutely thrilled. They had planned on letting a place, preferably a snug but no two snug two-bedroom somewhere in Notting Hill not too far from the neighborhood they resided in now.

But this? This was perfect. She had quickly fallen in love with a four story town house on Portland Road that her agent had taken her on a tour on. It seemed perfect for a family: enough spare rooms to serve as home offices, a beautiful kitchen, and a patio garden that was absolutely charming. She had all the photographs and papers and blue prints scattered on the table in front of her. And an appointment for viewing again later tonight.

She stared at it happily. Now she only needed James' opinion on it.

Morning sickness is still keeping Sarah from fully sleeping in. So despite the long night she and James had, she's up early the next morning. After the morning practicalities are done, Sarah Jane scrawls a quick not to James. This isn't how she ever intended to start her first day as a legally married woman. But, she finds, it's the way she finds she has to.

Five minutes later and Sarah is pounding on the door of the TARDIS, still parked where she had seen it last prior to the wedding. She doesn't wait for an answer. Instead, she digs out her key and opens the door that is slammed behind her.

"Doctor! Oh, Doctor, I know you're in here! You promised, Doctor!"

Sarah's hands clench into fists as the tears fill her eyes. Not getting a response right away, she slumps against the TARDIS console, falling to the ground. Right now, crying is so much easier than remaining angry.

Sarah Jane had brought the guests from Milliways through to their flat in London, leaving them to James to take care of before she hurried off to the church, Barbara in tow. She had wanted to check on all the last minute arrangements: to make sure the flowers had arrived and that the minister was there.

Everything seems perfect now. The church, a small little Gothic-esque chapel close to the Notting Hill gate tube stop, is now decorated with garlands of wildflowers along the aisles. It's the one touch Sarah Jane wanted to add to an otherwise picture-perfect room. The sun shines through the stained glass windows, causing the pews to glow. The altar was simple enough, with an organ off to one side and a lovely rosette window behind it. Two bouquets sit to either side of where the couple will stand.

Overall: the impression is of a simple yet sophisticated chapel. Everything is set for the wedding, presuming, of course, nothing goes wrong.

The flight back to London went remarkably well, with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happening the entire time. There hadn't been any more rows for the remainder of their trip in Jamaica. Everything had been blissful, rather like she supposed a honeymoon would be like. Then, when it came to checking in at the airport for the flight, Sarah had felt a surge of smugness when her Bar-provided password worked without any trouble at all.

It had only been hours ago that they landed in Heathrow. It's rather strange to think just how fast the two weeks flew by. She tries not to dwell on it, but it's hard. Now that the "honeymoon" is over, it's time for further discussions. Important discussions. Which would be exactly why Sarah sighs when they walk into James' flat. She smiles up at him, a slightly weary smile, as she dumps her bag on the floor near the door.

She'll bring up discussion in a second or two.

The door from Milliways opens to a small but posh beach house, one the perfect size for two people. After spending the past month stuck in a bar at the end of the universe, Sarah Jane quickly considers it the most beautiful place that she's ever seen. She can hear the ocean surf beating against the sand and the salt air smells wonderful.

Now this, she decides, is the sort of place a pregnant woman should live. Morning sickness has since abated for the day and she feels absolutely wonderful. Placing her bag down by the closet door, Sarah turns to smile brightly at James. It's rather clear from her face that she considers it the best vacation ever. And if not:

"I absolutely love it."