[Milliways] OOM: London, February 2007
Dec. 11th, 2007 03:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
his_sarah_jane“Sarah, the nurses tell me that you’re still not eating properly.”
It was such a clear statement of fact that it nearly made Sarah Jane roll her eyes at him. Today was her third appointment with Dr Traviss and, so far, she had found therapy as frustrating as she had when she was thirteen. Talking about her ‘problems’ weren’t making them any better. She missed James. She was hurt by his departure. She worried about the fact that he never would return to her, that she wasn’t worth loving. All of this, Dr Traviss knew by now. And so far, no solution was offered.
“Valerie’s doing fine,” Sarah responded, as if that was the only bit important. After all: wasn’t all this to keep her daughter healthy? “Isn’t that enough?”
“I’m afraid not, Sarah,” Dr Traviss said, looking at her from behind his folder. “You know we can’t dismiss you until you show full and lasting signs of taking care of yourself again. You can’t punish yourself or Valerie for others’ mistakes.”
She gave him a flat look in return. “You mean James.”
“Well, yes. If we’re to be specific.” He paused for a moment to scan over his notes. “How did you meet James?”
Suddenly, Sarah’s face fell. That was over a year and a half ago and a much simpler time. She didn’t want to talk about it. She was tired of talking. Tired of talking about recent life with James, up to and including their (his?) issues now. About how her parents died when she was a child and how the aunt who had raised her had also ‘died’ in the past year. About her first failed engagement. She was bloody tired of it all and it was only the third day in which she had seen him.
“We were at a pub,” she said quietly. “We started talking. We were friends first, for a couple months, until he kissed me. And then…”
Sarah waved a hand, indicating that was the end of the story. Take away a visit from a dead ex, the location of a bar at the end of the universe, and her own complicated life of time travelling and it really was that simple. The met, fell in love, and had a child.
And couldn’t last.
She sighed deeply, wiping at her eyes. “I know it seems fast, but neither of us were quite the type to take things slow. And then Valerie came along seven months ago and we’ve been married for over four months and it’s hurting again. It’s hurting a lot.”
Dr Traviss handed her the box of tissues. It didn’t make a lot of difference in Sarah’s eyes, though. The pain was overwhelming. She missed that time. Back then, if things had gone this way, she could simply return to her old life. She wouldn’t have a child to take care of. She wanted that so much. Her psychiatrist could never understand. Not when there was still so much she had to leave out.
“You didn’t think he was going to leave you, did you?”
Sarah shook her head, trying to chase away the remaining tears. “He married me. He loved me.”
“A lot of people leave you, don’t they, Sarah?”
She nodded weakly. That was true. That was so very true.
“Do you blame yourself?”
Of course she did. Clearly, something about her was unlovable. She mucked things up. She was too stubborn and too selfish to see things any differently. People came and went far too quickly in Sarah Jane’s life for her liking. It was one of the few things she couldn’t ever understand. People died, people grew annoyed and tired with her. And then she was alone. She always seemed to be alone, no matter how hard she tried to make her life different.
Sarah nodded again.
“Is that why you’re not eating?”
At that, she shrugged. By now, Sarah had gotten used to telling herself that she wasn’t hungry. That was a perfectly reasonable choice not to eat, after all. She hadn’t bothered to think of it in any other way.
“Sarah, I know that I’ve already said this once today, but I can’t stress how important it is that you know this. You can’t keep punishing yourself or Valerie. That won’t change anything, Sarah. We can work on this, you know. We can work to see you happy and confident again. No one ought to go through anything like this alone.”
But that was the thing, wasn’t it? “I am alone.”
“No you’re not. And I promise you, as a parent myself, that the moment Valerie is a born, you’ll see what I mean. We’ve already discussed the fact that you want to keep your child. We really do need to start working towards this goal. Now... Do you think we can talk about the first time you remember feeling like this?”
She still hated all of this so very much. Sarah Jane just wanted to go home and go back to work. She wanted life to be like it was a month ago. She knew, rationally, that that could never happen. You can’t go back in time unless you had a time machine. Here, in this reality, such things did not exist. She had to take the hard path rather than the easy path.
So she shrugged, not quite meeting the doctor’s eyes. “I can try.”
It was such a clear statement of fact that it nearly made Sarah Jane roll her eyes at him. Today was her third appointment with Dr Traviss and, so far, she had found therapy as frustrating as she had when she was thirteen. Talking about her ‘problems’ weren’t making them any better. She missed James. She was hurt by his departure. She worried about the fact that he never would return to her, that she wasn’t worth loving. All of this, Dr Traviss knew by now. And so far, no solution was offered.
“Valerie’s doing fine,” Sarah responded, as if that was the only bit important. After all: wasn’t all this to keep her daughter healthy? “Isn’t that enough?”
“I’m afraid not, Sarah,” Dr Traviss said, looking at her from behind his folder. “You know we can’t dismiss you until you show full and lasting signs of taking care of yourself again. You can’t punish yourself or Valerie for others’ mistakes.”
She gave him a flat look in return. “You mean James.”
“Well, yes. If we’re to be specific.” He paused for a moment to scan over his notes. “How did you meet James?”
Suddenly, Sarah’s face fell. That was over a year and a half ago and a much simpler time. She didn’t want to talk about it. She was tired of talking. Tired of talking about recent life with James, up to and including their (his?) issues now. About how her parents died when she was a child and how the aunt who had raised her had also ‘died’ in the past year. About her first failed engagement. She was bloody tired of it all and it was only the third day in which she had seen him.
“We were at a pub,” she said quietly. “We started talking. We were friends first, for a couple months, until he kissed me. And then…”
Sarah waved a hand, indicating that was the end of the story. Take away a visit from a dead ex, the location of a bar at the end of the universe, and her own complicated life of time travelling and it really was that simple. The met, fell in love, and had a child.
And couldn’t last.
She sighed deeply, wiping at her eyes. “I know it seems fast, but neither of us were quite the type to take things slow. And then Valerie came along seven months ago and we’ve been married for over four months and it’s hurting again. It’s hurting a lot.”
Dr Traviss handed her the box of tissues. It didn’t make a lot of difference in Sarah’s eyes, though. The pain was overwhelming. She missed that time. Back then, if things had gone this way, she could simply return to her old life. She wouldn’t have a child to take care of. She wanted that so much. Her psychiatrist could never understand. Not when there was still so much she had to leave out.
“You didn’t think he was going to leave you, did you?”
Sarah shook her head, trying to chase away the remaining tears. “He married me. He loved me.”
“A lot of people leave you, don’t they, Sarah?”
She nodded weakly. That was true. That was so very true.
“Do you blame yourself?”
Of course she did. Clearly, something about her was unlovable. She mucked things up. She was too stubborn and too selfish to see things any differently. People came and went far too quickly in Sarah Jane’s life for her liking. It was one of the few things she couldn’t ever understand. People died, people grew annoyed and tired with her. And then she was alone. She always seemed to be alone, no matter how hard she tried to make her life different.
Sarah nodded again.
“Is that why you’re not eating?”
At that, she shrugged. By now, Sarah had gotten used to telling herself that she wasn’t hungry. That was a perfectly reasonable choice not to eat, after all. She hadn’t bothered to think of it in any other way.
“Sarah, I know that I’ve already said this once today, but I can’t stress how important it is that you know this. You can’t keep punishing yourself or Valerie. That won’t change anything, Sarah. We can work on this, you know. We can work to see you happy and confident again. No one ought to go through anything like this alone.”
But that was the thing, wasn’t it? “I am alone.”
“No you’re not. And I promise you, as a parent myself, that the moment Valerie is a born, you’ll see what I mean. We’ve already discussed the fact that you want to keep your child. We really do need to start working towards this goal. Now... Do you think we can talk about the first time you remember feeling like this?”
She still hated all of this so very much. Sarah Jane just wanted to go home and go back to work. She wanted life to be like it was a month ago. She knew, rationally, that that could never happen. You can’t go back in time unless you had a time machine. Here, in this reality, such things did not exist. She had to take the hard path rather than the easy path.
So she shrugged, not quite meeting the doctor’s eyes. “I can try.”
