From the Journal of Sarah Jane

You're EXPECTING! TEN names you would name your child.

I most certainly hope not! Aside from the fact I haven't properly dated a man in... well, in a far longer amount of time than I care to admit, can you honestly picture me as a parent? I wouldn't know the first thing about raising a child. I couldn't even get along with the lot when I was their age!

But, I suppose, if I had to pick names, there are a few that come to mind.

1. Alice
2. Elisabeth
3. Tabitha
4. Bronte
5. Rebecca

6. Trent
7. John
8. Edward
9. William
10. Luke

93. TEN daily routines.

1. If possible, a jog. Even if the run only lasts for ten moments, I need some sort of physical activity to get the blood flowing in the morning. Preferably, I prefer my runs to last about a half hour or so. In the TARDIS, I never nearly get the time I want.

2. Shower. It is, unsurprisingly, my next activity after a jog. If I don’t have time for a jog, I still take one anyway.

3. Banana and toast for breakfast, with a good cuppa. There really is no other way to start a day. No other way.

4. If I’m in the TARDIS, no day is complete without bickering with the Doctor, or teasing, or laughing.

5. Quite unfortunately, it’s become a rather daily habit to get lost trying to find my way to the TARDIS library. I like to think I have a better sense of direction. I think the old girl just has it out to get me in the end.

6. Running for my life is also fast becoming another rather unfortunate routine.

7. If possible, I also like to get in a half hour of reading time before sleeping.

8. When not travelling with the Doctor, work is unsurprisingly a part of my routine. I adore my job, working at the Metropolitain, and having my own column. Not to mention the investigations I stumble upon as I try to make it in investigative journalism.

9. Writing. I know it is my job, but I enjoy doing it regardless.

10. Travelling. That is quite possibly my favourite above all: not knowing where the TARDIS will bring us each morning.

075. TEN things you should talk to a therapist about.

1. “My parents died when I was five. It was an automobile accident, and no, I wasn’t there. I don’t really have many memories of them, but I do have nightmares. They’re absolutely dreadful nightmares. And they’ve haunted me for most of my life.”

2. “Even though my aunt made a wonderful guardian, I often felt abandoned when she would go off to scientific conferences halfway around the world and leave me behind. Perhaps I do have abandonment issues – and oh no, that is very much not an admittance, thank you all the same – but I guess the point is that I had a lonely childhood. I never fit in with the other children very well either.”

3. “She was my best mate from the moment she moved to Ealing. She was unlike any other student at the school: stubborn, adventurous, rather outspoken – in a sum, rather a lot like me. It only made sense that we grew so close. Oh, we got in to so many wonderful scrapes together. Until the day she died. I couldn’t save her in time. All the therapy in the world, then and now, won’t ever change that.”

4. “I think that was my first taste at betrayal. I really did love him and I never once imagined that he only wanted me as a sort of trophy wife: pretty but not beautiful enough to have affairs with other men, intelligent, quick-witted. He wanted me to marry him and be his wife and oh, how I did want to marry him and be his wife. But not at the expense of my own career – never at that expense.”

5. “I’ve nearly died more than once. I’ve been beaten and tortured, mentally and physically. I’ve watched others sacrifice themselves for me. I’ve seen what war brings. Honestly, I sometimes wonder how I’m still sane.”

6. “He said he’d come back. He had always kept his promise before.”

7. “I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of death, no. And I don’t believe that I am suicidal either. I don’t like putting others in a position of danger – oh, I could never live with myself if something were to happen as a result of that. But to rush in to something foolishly? I’ve done that so many times, I’ve lost count. Perhaps I don’t value my own life as much as I follow those of others.”

8. “I’m not cut out to be a mum. I don’t know the first thing about it – and I’m far too old to start down this path, no matter what you say. It frightens me so much: that one day I’ll do something wrong and lose him forever. I have grown attached. For better or for worse, he’s my son now. I just don’t know what to do sometimes. How does anyone handle this sort of fear?”

9. “He’s a spy for the British Secret Intelligence Service. A double oh, to be honest. And I know all about it, so there’s absolutely no reason to bull shit around me. It’s the reason M recommended you to me. He’s gone right now - on a mission. And I never know how to handle sitting about waiting, let alone what lies to tell our daughter.”*

10. “I’m sorry. Coming here was a waste of time. There’s absolutely nothing I wish to discuss, after all.”

---
*from Milliways Bar ‘verse

Ten times you should have said "I'm sorry" but didn't.

1. When I was ten and told my aunt that I hated her. We made up after the row, less than a day later, but I never did quite apologise. Sometimes I wonder if I should, just to be that darling angel of a girl she always wanted but never got.

2. When I called off the engagement to Andrew. I think I hurt him as much as he had hurt me.

3. Everytime I put myself in danger and leave the Doctor to blame himself. I never intend for these sorts of things to happen. But they do.

4. [Milliways] When James said that he loved me I should have answered with “I’m sorry, but I don’t love you.”

5. It was Andrea’s idea to play on the dock that day. I never stood up with my apprehensions (however selfish they were). I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t speak up, Andrea. I’m so sorry.

6. I should have apologized to Tommy Darling when I punched him after a row over who was the better hockey player. I was seven. I didn’t.

7. [Milliways] To James: I should have apologized for everything the last time we talked. I never did. I was being bloody selfish instead.

8. I never did tell the Doctor that I was sorry for sneaking in to his TARDIS. It would have been the polite thing to do. Truth is, I never was sorry about doing so in the end.

9. Nor did I ever apologise for thinking he was the enemy. In my defense, it all happened so fast. It was rather hard to keep up after a while.

10. I think I’m sorry that I ever even wrote this.

046. Things you wish you hadn't said/done.

I’ve never been fond of regretting the past. There’s too much to live for in the present and even more to look forward towards in the future. I wasted too many years after the Doctor left me wanting nothing more than to go back to that time and not moving on with my life as I should have. But I suppose we all have our own sources of remorse. I don’t want to think that I’m too proud to share mine:

1. If I had known what was going to happen, I would never have allowed Andrea to talk me into playing on that pier in Westport. I was thirteen and far too interested in holding my own than being smart. There was no way I ever could have possibly gotten to her fast enough to save her. We never should have gone.

2. It brought Josh into my life, but I do wish that I had never once mentioned anything of the future or time travelling to Duke Guiliano. I had no way of knowing he would write a book of ‘prophesies,’ placing me as the herald of said events. Perhaps the White Chapter wasn’t so bad, but I certainly could have done without everything the Crimson Chapter was responsible for. Especially Will Sullivan’s death.

3. Sometimes I still wonder what my life would have been like if I had never let the Doctor leave me behind. I could have stayed with him for so much longer. Those few years just don’t seem like enough at times.

4. I wish at times that I had never rowed with my parents as a child. It’s a rather silly wish, but my time with them was so short that in the end, every moment counted.

5. Whenever I put Luke, Maria, or Clyde’s lives at risk, I wonder if it really was the proper thing to do. They’re a stubborn lot and it is quite difficult to tell them not to do certain things. But if one of them was ever seriously harmed or, god forbid, died, I doubt that I could ever forgive myself.

6. I was almost married once, back in university, to a man by the name of Andrew Lofts. I thought that life would be wonderful, but it turned out he wasn’t the man I thought he was. Sometimes I wish I could have prevented myself from ever accepting that engagement.

7. There was an article I wrote once when I was starting out – a small investigative piece on an up and coming politician that ruined his career. I don’t think I’ve ever fully regretted it, but the look his wife and children gave me still haunts at times. Maybe I wouldn’t write the article, given the chance again, or maybe I would. Either way, it was at that point in which I really saw how my words came with consequences.

8. That Slitheen boy. I let him die. What sort of person does that?

9. For that matter, I wish I hadn’t ever killed - ever. I’ve seen too much death already; I didn’t need to be a part of it.

10. I wish I had never written this list. It really doesn’t do to dwell in the past. There isn’t anything you can do to alter it, and even if you did, the repercussions could be disastrous. I have so much still to look forward to. In the end, I believe this list was a rather pointless task that only serves to hasten one’s regrets.

042. TEN people you would die for and why.

1. The Doctor: He’d die for others without missing a beat of his heart. However selfish a Timelord he may claim to be, in the end, he fights for life. And if someone were to threaten someone, even someone the Doctor doesn’t even know, he’d do something. It wouldn’t feel right to call him my best friend if I didn’t do the same. A world without the Doctor is much more terrifying in the end than a world without me in it. Besides, I love him.

2. [Milliways] James Bond: He’s my (other) best friend, my lover, my family, my husband, my life. Like the Doctor, James is more than willing to risk his life for others. And I love him so, so much for that and for everything he is. I’ve left my world for him already. I’m sure that it’s rather clear by now (at least, I do hope it is) that I would do anything for him. I wouldn’t want to live my life without him anymore.

3. [Milliways] Valerie Smith-Bond: How can a mother not be willing to die on her daughter’s behalf? She might not be born yet, but I love her dearly. She’s ours, someone James and I created that no one can ever really take away from us. I never quite understood that blind devotion until now.

4. Harry Sullivan: I’ve seen others mention that travelling with the Doctor tends to form a bond between companions. I suppose they’re right in that way. Harry’s one of the few people I know I can talk to about all of this without being thought of as daft; he’s a wonderful friend to have. He’s saved my life more than one. I’d like to think that I have – and will continue – to do the same for him.

5. Lavinia Smith: My aunt who I will always love dearly. She acted as my mother and my father after my parents passed. I wouldn’t be where I was today if not for her. If you can’t die for family, who else is there?

6. Luke Smith: I see so much potential in him to do right by the world some day. He already has, in fact, even if no one can ever know. I never planned on having a family of my own, but I will never ever regret the day I decided to adopt Luke. He and his friends have filled a hole in my life I never realized was missing. I love him, so much, even if I tend to be reluctant to say it. No person can ever ask for a better son.

7. Maria Jackson: She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age: inquisitive, adventurous, intelligent, and brave. I do enjoy her company, but if something were to happen to her – her or Luke or Clyde – I wouldn’t ever be able to forgive myself. She deserves to live a full, glorious life. I’ve already lived mine.

8. Clyde Langer: We may not always get along at the best of times, but I admire the boy’s spirit. Like Maria and Luke, it’s my fault that he’s been dragged into this world of mine. As long as he continues to join us on our ‘adventures’ I will do anything to make sure that, at the end of the day, he gets home alive.

9. Alan Jackson: Maria needs her father more than she needs me. Not to be rude, but her mother doesn’t seem like much of one (although I suppose I am not one to talk) and a girl needs a stable parent at this point in time. Especially if he were in danger because of the sort of life I live, I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

10. Earth’s people: Although I suppose by this I do mean any large population of people, be it human or otherwise. I suppose I fancy myself as a bit of a protector of Earth, seeing as I’m stuck here now, even if we have UNIT and Torchwood and, of course, the Doctor. They can’t be everywhere at once, and I’ve so far rather enjoyed filling in the gaps. Being willing to die for those you don’t know, I believe, is very much part of this deal.

TEN Scars

1. Maybe most noticeable is the scar on my stomach. I had my appendix removed when I was seven. Aunt Lavinia got me a new journal for the occasion so I’d be entertained in the hospital room.

2. Internally, I would say the scar I’ll always have is the heart ache that never fully healed from my parents’ deaths. It’ll always haunt me, even though I don’t let it dictate my life. It’s a scar that can be covered up, but at the end of the day, it’s still painfully there.

3. I have a small scar on my right knee from a bicycling accident as a child.

4. Similarly, there’s one on my elbow from getting into a row with a member of an opposing hockey team…oh, I can’t remember specifics for the life of me… when I was in secondary school.

5. I sometimes wonder if Styre’s tortures left any scars. They’d be more of the sort you can’t see. But I do believe they’re there. If only because Devros’ form of torture didn’t leave any lasting physical scars. I’m starting to grow tired of those sort most of all.

6. On my left thigh – I fell into a nest of grass snakes at age eleven. I had wandered away from my aunt to explore the nearby woods. There was a ravine that I didn’t see. I’ve had a slight phobia of snakes ever since.

7. On my right hand knuckles are scratches that never properly healed from falling on concrete at age ten. Timothy pushed me after I called him a sexist pig, not fully understanding the words at the time. He deserved it.

8. [Milliways] If I look closely, I can still see a little bit of the rope burn on my wrists from when Le Chiffre tried to… oh, I’d really rather not say. But it’s there. Faint, but there.

9. [Milliways] There are small marks on my left ring and middle that’s the result of a rather embarrassing incident that I do very much believe I treasure, despite the fact. They’re the results of mild frostbite and a reminder that, no matter how randy James and I might be, we ought never to make love in the snow again.

10. A scar on my leg from a rather nasty fall. I wasn’t watching where I was going, not with the Daleks chasing after me. Thankfully, it was only a cut and not anything that would have kept me from sprinting further.

020. TEN lives you've never lived/could have lived

1. [Canon] White picket fences and a kitchen filled with the latest gadgetry. It wasn’t the first time Sarah Jane felt that she was living in an American suburb advertisement and she doubted it would be the last. Longingly, she stared out the window as she waited for the bus to drop off Alice and Trent. Andrew would be home from work soon, she really should start dinner. It was moments like this, when the dreariness of life as a housewife took over that Sarah regretted her decision. Twenty was far too young an age to marry. She never should have said yes.

2. [Canon] She couldn’t understand it. He looked so different now. He acted so different now. Sarah had seen him die with her own eyes. This man in front of her couldn’t have been the Doctor she had first met. It didn’t make any rational sense, even in a world that didn’t make any rational sense anymore. But there was no use dwelling on it more than necessary. She had made up her mind. Now that the crisis with the robot was over, there was no need in hanging about anymore. Sarah Jane had a career to get back to. She had explained as much minutes earlier when she came to UNIT HQ to say her goodbyes to the Doctor. Without a look back, she continued forward.

3. [Canon] When she said her last words, Sarah Jane was over a hundred and much older than she had ever expected to live. Somewhere out there in her universe, her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren roamed the stars. Wanderlust, it seemed, had been genetic and Sarah was content with letting them live the lives they wanted. After all, that was exactly what she did and oh, what a time it had been. Stowing away in the TARDIS that day the Doctor had tried to drop her off on Earth after receiving a call from the Timelords had been her most brilliant idea. Until now, neither had ever been lonely. And as she faded from this world, Sarah made her Doctor promise that he wouldn’t stay lonely for long.

4. [Milliways] It hadn’t been a false alarm. Her recklessness had finally caught up with her. There wouldn’t be any more trips with the Doctor, no eventual adventures with James. Sarah Jane’s future had been decided for her in one single mistake. But as James rubbed at her swollen belly, saying daft words to child inside of her, she didn’t consider it so much of a mistake anymore. Valerie was due to be born any day now; it was an event both looked forward to with trepidation and delight. Neither of them ever had a proper family growing up, but together, Sarah knew as she gave her husband a fond smile, they had found what they were missing.

5. [Milliways] Sarah Jane hadn’t quite sold her soul to the devil as given him her heart, freely and happily. At some point, sex with Sam had turned into something much more. He was still her friend, certainly, but she had started to see him in a different way. She had always known that Sam was rather gorgeous (and it didn’t really surprise her much given his background), but there was something more about him now. Something she hadn’t recalled feeling in a long time. As she laid in his arms that night, oblivious to the rest of the universe around them, she figured out what it was. Somewhere, somehow, Sarah had fallen in love. She was doomed.

6. [Theatrical Muse] She had been too late. That one fact would haunt her forever. With tear-filled eyes, Sarah watched the funeral pyre burn in the icy night. The sky was clear, much clearer than the night they had landed here days ago. But it was as cold and desolate as she remembered. Kane stood by her, an arm wrapped loosely around her shoulder. No matter how much she despised the pilot, she needed the comfort right now. Her best friend was gone. And she never even found out how much he had understood when she had whispered “I love you” the night before.

7. [Milliways] Except for that one-time pregnancy scare, she hadn’t ever planned on being a mother. But when Allana came into the bar two days ago, everything had changed. Her four year old friend was covered in dirt and grime, bruises and scratches covering her skin and tears in her eyes. There had been an explosion in the palace and, Sarah found out soon after, Hapes had been dragged into a war that had encompassed the rest of Allana’s galaxy. She had never planned on being a mother, but after meeting Allana’s father (though the man wouldn’t admit it) Sarah knew she had to try her best. He had been willing to give up his daughter to a stranger from another world to keep her safe. It gave Sarah a lot to live up to. As she walked over to his table to explain the matter, she only hoped James was willing to see this through with her.

8. [Relative Space] Sarah Jane had stormed away from the rest of the group after being stung by that flipping jam fish. For once, she had absolutely no intention in sharing in with the excitement, still too lost and confused by everything going on about her. The universe was ending and yet they were on Florana on a short vacation of sorts. But despite finally making it to Florana, she felt as if she was trapped in a never ending disaster. By all means, she probably was. So caught up in her own self pity, Sarah Jane didn’t notice anyone following her. When a hand grabbed hers, she turned around, startled. Sarah found herself looking up into the Doctor’s kind eyes, white hair mused by the wind. It was certainly a nice face to look at, she realized as she smiled back uncertainly. That uncertainty disappeared entirely when he kissed her. Everything but the two of them disappeared for that one lingering moment: the eye in the oncoming storm.

9. [Canon] Sarah laughed with excitement as she scored the winning goal of the playoff game. Never before had she performed this well. Certainly never before had she actually made a goal that made all the difference in the end. Her hockey stick was thrown to the ground as the ten year old girl ran forward to her team mates, joining them in excited shouts of celebration. From the corner of her eye, she caught her parents in the stands. They were clapping more enthusiastically than any other person, clearly proud of her. Sarah Jane laughed again, this time with anticipation. There was going to be a party in the Smith household tonight.

10. [Milliways] Every time she walked past the graveyard, Sarah was filled with a pain of what might have been. It hadn’t been a year yet and the ache inside her certainly hadn’t dulled. When James had died, it was unexpected, shortly after their first date. He had been called away on a mission to Cuba. She had waited a whole week for him to return, unable to get back to Milliways without his help. But he had never shown up. She had been abandoned in a world not her own. She hadn’t even had the chance to fall properly in love with him. Walking by that one graveyard always hurt. Yet, she never knew how to change routes.

[ooc: ya'll? i <3 you for inspiring these responses. you know who you are.]

015. TEN people you wish you could meet

1. James Bond. I do know he’s fictional, but he is a rather interesting character. And to be honest, I did have a bit of a crush on him when I was a teenager.

2. Jane Austen. If her personality is anything like the clever, witty narrator in her works, I would imagine that conversation would be fascinating.

3. Susan Foreman. The Doctor has told me stories of his granddaughter. It would have been lovely to actually meet her.

4. Mary Shelley.

5. Dame Flora Shaw. She was one of my role models in university, as well should be for any female budding journalist.

6. William Shakespeare.

7. Hildy Johnson. She’s fictional as well, but His Girl Friday will always be one of my favourite films. She’ll always be one of my favourite cha

8. Lois Lane. We’ve established fictional doesn’t matter in this list, thank you all the same.

9. Michael York.

10. Every one of the Doctor’s regenerations.

011. TEN facts about your family

1. My parents died when I was five in a car accident. Most of the memories I have of them are from the stories my aunt told me while growing up.

2. Aunt Lavinia has always been a wonderful guardian, especially as her career as a virologist would take us to various cities during my youth. I tried impersonating her once, back when I first met the Doctor, and that didn’t go as well as I hoped. How was I supposed to know people there would have actually read her work? Doctor, I’m talking about you.

3. What I learned from growing up with an aunt as a guardian instead of parents is that family is what you make it. I’ve never been one to believe in conventional families. Family is what you make it, be it blood relatives or friends. And I absolutely adore the small family I’ve found with the Doctor and with Harry and the rest of my friends at UNIT.

4. I’ve been absolutely horrible about keeping up with my aunt since travelling with the Doctor. I send her letters here and there when on Earth, but aside from that, our regular correspondence has since vanished. I do hope she’ll forgive me for that one day.

5. My father was a businessman. I don’t know how much this is a memory or how much this is something Aunt Lavinia once told me, but every time he had to travel to another town, he’d bring me back a small gift. I believe my favourite was a small beanbag owl.

6. Nigel Smith and Alice Trent Smith are buried in a small graveyard behind a small church right outside of Liverpool. I used to make my aunt take me on trips there often when we travelled, even though it was often rather out of the way.

7. I have no siblings. When I was younger, I often wish I did, especially to have someone to play field hockey with. I grew out of that stage quickly enough, since I had a tendency to consider children my age dull. But I still couldn’t help but long for a brother or a sister when I saw siblings in the neighbourhood play together.

8. My grandparents never played much of a role in my life. By the time I moved in with Aunt Lavinia, only my mother’s mother remained alive. I was never very close with her.

9. Despite everything I said in item three about family being what you make it, this topic has always been a sore subject for me. I suppose it’s due to some of the teasing I used to receive in primary school. And all of the punishments I got after giving Teddy Miles a black eye for doing so.

10. My family hasn’t been normal. Growing up, it consisted of an aunt who wouldn’t always be around to take care of me. Now, it consists of friends instead of lovers or children. But I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. I’m rather fond of it just as it is.