his_sarah_jane | Entries tagged with sarah's personal journal

What are ten things that no one knows about you, and that you will not willingly tell anyone about?

15 February 1984

I don’t know why I am writing this. Perhaps it is to finally voice these secrets out in the open. Or, at least, as open as my journal ever shall be. I wish I could tell someone. I’ve never quite been one to keep secrets unless it was of the most absolute importance. Like UNIT, for example. Or the Doctor. But my life, I find, has always been rather akin to an open book. It took me years to learn not to wear emotion on my sleeve, after all.

This isn’t easy to write, though. I don’t know why I ever imagined it to be. I must have been daft, thinking I could – oh, bloody hell, Sarah Jane! Just write.

I underwent therapy when I was thirteen not only due to Andrea’s death but because, at that point, I couldn’t understand why I was still alive. It was a rather bad case of depression. My parents had died; Andrea was lost right in front of my own eyes… If you had asked me then, I would have told you that there was no point to life. But these events and the help I then received from Aunt Lavinia and Doctor Mack changed my life. Life is worth living, if just for the fact that you’re alive.

I miss him. I know it’s probably quite obvious, but there only is one person I ever would admit this thought to and I will never see him again. Even though he said he would come back to me, it’s been over a year. He never will. And I, well, I love him. He is the only man I ever will love. I know that it is absolutely foolish and unrequited, but I do not care.

I have considered, time after time, having a family. It is not a top prerogative of mine, and certainly not something I will waste time longing after, especially considering that the man I love most will ever return. But when I see other women with their children, especially women holding their daughters, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if it were me. I’d love to have a daughter of my own to raise. It will never happen.

I happen to have a secret love of romance novels. I know that they are silly and simple, but they can be so very entertaining. Still, I think too highly of myself to ever be able to admit to this like.

When I was learning to shoot, I accidentally shot Mrs Henderson’s cat. I will never be able to forget the yowl of pain the animal let out. It frightened me so horribly that for weeks I was unable to get a proper night’s sleep. I wasn’t supposed to be shooting the gun that day because Mr Allan was out of town and I had no proper supervision. I never told anyone.

There. That’s certainly a start. Five things that I’ve never told anyone before and, if I have my way, will take to the grave. I could quite easily reach a list of ten or more but, for now, I think this will have to do. It was hard enough admitting, even in writing, to such events and opinions. I don’t think I’m capable of any more right now.

In fact, I’m quite tempted to just burn this whole flipping entry right about now.

What makes your life complicated?
January 7, 2009
Earth Calendar
Ealing, England

I used to think that the most complicated part of my life came from my travels with the Doctor. Back then, I could never quite tell what time or even what planet we would wind up in on our next landing. Oh, don’t get me wrong. It was absolutely marvelous. I saw so much: alien sunsets, nebulas forming, ancient and future civilizations both of Earth and of other races. Travelling was an absolute joy, travelling with him more so. It quickly became something I never wanted to stop doing, even with all the complications: missing deadlines for work, losing touch with my aunt, never quite feeling that I fit in with the year I was currently residing…

Time travel is rather complicated, especially in its adverse affects. But as it turns out, that wasn’t the most complicated part of my life. That part came from going to a pub at the end of the universe and falling in love with a man who, in his Earth, is recently deceased. I know it sounds well nutters as Clyde would put it, but do remember this is coming from the woman who’s best friend was an alien and who’s human son is alien born. Simon is, well, he’s very much alive when he comes here, to my Ealing. And so far, I haven’t seen any hazardous repercussions in letting him do so.

We talk about second chances often. I am very much a firm believer in those, especially given some of the things that I have done within my own life. I know Simon has a shady past, that he’s responsible for murders and the like. I also believe that there are more circumstances surrounding his reasons than he’ll admit as of yet. I prefer to see people as what they are capable of doing now rather than as anything they might have done. And Simon, for all his worries, seems very intent on redeeming himself. The idea that his second chance is in making my life a bit better is so flattering, in some ways, I find it rather hard to resist.

I believe I love him for that. For that and the way that he has fallen in love with me. Even if he doesn’t realize it, he’s handsome and charming and very sincere. He’s not the sort to lie to me just to please me. And, above it all, I believe that he is a good man. And I’d love to see that realization reflect in his own eyes some day.

I just don’t know how to tell Luke. I have the most brilliant son in the world and as much as I originally didn’t want to be a mother, I love him dearly. But his proficiency in societal understanding is still very much left wanting, although I have to say Clyde and Maria have been a very big help in educating Luke. I never realized just how wonderful it could be to see a child blossom. Oh, I have gone horribly mumsie, haven’t I? I don’t want Luke to ever think I could ever replace him in any way. He’s just as special to me, after all. I simply have no idea as to how he would react.

I never thought that I would fall in love again. I also never thought that love would be this complex. I’m very grateful to have Simon in my life and I’d love nothing more than to be able to share him with those others I care about most. But how do you explain a phantom of a partner to the world?

I suppose you don’t.

I’ve helped to save the world repeatedly. And yet, I’m absolutely terrified of having my son meet my boyfriend. Oh. When did my life get this bloody mad?

[ooc: based on roleplay in

mixed_muses]

Write about a recurring dream you’ve had.

February 19, 1969

Dear Diary,

I don’t really want to discuss this. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t discuss it at all. But the dream hasn’t gone away and Aunt Lavinia said it might help if I wrote it down. So that’s what I’m going to do. I do like writing anyhow. And I do very much hope this will help. It makes me want to cry even now to think about the dream. I despise it.

Well, I should start at the beginning. It’s a pretty day and everything seems rather lovely. School just finished and I’m playing tag with Julie and Billy while we wait for our mums to pick us up. But she doesn’t come, and Mrs Jones brings me home. There’s no one there and then I’m not even there. I’m in a car with Mum and Daddy and we’re driving home from Daddy’s newest business deal.

I’m happy.

And then I’m not. Because then there’s another car coming in the opposite direction and it’s driving in the wrong lane. And Daddy swerves the car to try to avoid hitting it and there are trees and there are screams and then it’s all black.

It’s all black and they’re dead and I wake up crying. That’s it. It’s short and dreadful and I don’t think writing this helped. I’ve written all these other things and I’ve really liked that. But this just hurts. I want it to go away.

Why won’t it go away?

-Sarah Jane, Age 13

"I wanted a perfect ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." --Gilda Radner

August 6
Milliways Calendar
Milliways: bar at the end of the universe

Delicious ambiguity. That certainly is my life now, isn’t it? I’m afraid I haven’t been a proper correspondent as late, writing more than the briefest description of my life between worlds. I do hope to change all that. As much as I enjoy writing articles, penning my own life brings with it such a deeper thrill. Especially considering just how unusual my life can get. I like to believe that it would all make a terrific story one day, someday far into the future when (if?) life has finally settled down.

Until then, it has rooted itself with uncertainties again. Life with the Doctor has always been like that to begin with. Perhaps in a way that bit of life has remained constant. I never know where he’s to bring me next. We’re supposed to be heading back towards London to meet with the Brigadier about that whole Loch Ness monster circumstance. Instead, we’ve been bouncing around from planet to planet, time to time. I suppose that’s what happens when one lives in a time machine: it doesn’t really quite matter how long you stay away as long as you wind up in the moment you intended.

Since we left Harry and the Brig, more than a couple weeks ago by now, we’ve seen nebulas being born, giant butterfly creatures, a species actually resembling dwarves of myth, and so much more. The Doctor’s been taking me on a wild adventure of time and space, and each morning I wake up not knowing where I’ll be next. Yet despite the adventure, it does become rather tiring at times, and some days I want nothing more than a long bath with a good romance novel.

But that is what I have Milliways for, isn’t it? It certainly provides the mundane simplicity of waking up each morning knowing that you’re still in the same place. Well, perhaps not as much as James’ world, but certainly a lot more so than life with the Doctor. Life is routine in Milliways, despite its weirdness. I wake up, go for a jog, spend the day working on an article or chatting with friends or reading a novel. At times it does get boring, at others it becomes a holiday from holiday.

As for life with James… That’s the problem, isn’t it? That’s where this ambiguity has come from. I believe also it’s where my desire to write again in this notebook has stemmed. It has been far too long since I’ve properly recorded my thoughts down on paper. Neither James and I seem much suited for domesticity on the long one. No matter how much we love each other, we need a degree of freedom that we I haven’t been allowing. We’ve been rushing from one bit to another. We needed to stop.

The engagement is off for now and as much as a part of me agrees with James’ reasoning, it hurts to write those words. As naïve as it may sound, I always wanted a happy ending: be it as a top journalist or with a husband that loves me or the family that was taken from me as a youth. I haven’t told anyone that, to be honest. It’s a secret I’ll take to the grave, need it not interfere with the life I have going right now. I still want this happy ending. I want it with James.

I’m not quite sure when exactly it was I fell in love with him. Maybe it was the first time he cried in front of me, although I was loath to acknowledge it at the time. I had the Doctor and I had my travels; I didn’t need a man to complicate my life. But he has. And I’ll be eternally grateful that he did.

Spending the nights without him has been the hardest part. I moved out of his London flat earlier this week, taking up a semi-permanent residence in Milliways again when not travelling with the Doctor. I had that room to myself back before we ever became something more than friends. Now though, it’s strange not having him in there with me. His pillow still smells like him, but the warm body I want to cuddle with, as daft and girlish as it may seem, isn’t there.

Yet, despite that, I think I’m rather enjoying this new freedom. I certainly believe I could get used to weekly dates. Weekly in name, not necessarily in fact. After all, I travel and he’s, well, he’s James and there will be weeks where neither is around. And perhaps this will teach us to tolerate absences in the future better than we have. Oh, alright: better than I have.

My life has never been a sure thing since meeting the Doctor, and I believe each passing day it gets more complicated, and more ambiguous. But there’s a thrill in not knowing what will happen next. In a way, I like not knowing what James has been up to so he can surprise me with stories when we do meet. And I him. I never wanted a stale relationship. I wanted it to be full of laughter and love.

I only hope that it’s something we can maintain. The thought of losing James frightens me more than anything, even more so than losing the Doctor. Again, I cannot say for certain when this happened. It just did.

Ambiguity, my name is Sarah Jane Smith. Please, make yourself at home. Just let me keep James.

[ooc: based on role play at

milliways_bar]

Who has made you smile recently?

[ooc: Like so many other people’s responses this week, based on RP events. In this case, RP events are Milliways Bar related canon.]

Day 77, Journal 5.

He’s sleeping right now and I don’t dare wake him. We kept each other up late last night. Later than any other night we’ve spent together, I suspect. But it is all in good reason. An absolutely wonderful reason, I’d like to say, one that I never suspected and wish that I could play over again and again in my memories.

You see, he proposed last night. James asked me to marry him, and without hesitation I said yes. I said yes to something I had decided to never say yes to again years ago. I said yes and I didn’t think twice. I never thought that I was capable of doing that. Or feeling that sort of overwhelming joy that I thought only applied to those daft romance novels where the heroine swoons all over the man of her dreams.

I don’t like fancying myself one of those women, though. James… Oh, I don’t think he was the man of my dreams (to be honest, I doubt I ever had one), but he’s certainly become that. He’s become what I wanted in a way I never expected. He doesn’t have a blue police box or a barmy smile or a long scarf and silly hat. He has… a flat in London and a scarred past that still leaves him so vulnerable. But he has a smile that’s simply amazing those rare moments he shares it with the world. And whenever he shares it with me, all I can do is smile widely in return.

It’s only been two months – maybe a little more, and now we’re engaged. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m thinking. I have absolutely no idea how I’ll explain this to the Doctor. How I can even tell him that… it’s bloody ridiculous. This is bloody ridiculous. It’s not like…he’s the Doctor…but sometimes I wonder if I do see him that way. He makes me smile, much like James does. But a smile from James can last forever. A smile from him

That whole flipping train of thought is mad. I’ve crossed it out because it’s certainly the last thing I ought to be thinking right now. I meant it when I told James that he’s become the most important person in my life. This isn’t a time for doubts to come rushing in. It's a time to savour what I feel towards James, how much I love him and absolutely adore being loved by him in return.

Last night, James asked me to marry him. As silly as it might sound, that unexpected moment was one of the best moments in my life. The light in his eyes and the look on his face and the hope in his voice – I won’t ever forget any of that.

And most of all, I won’t forget how it made me smile. And how it’s still making me smile right now, hours and kisses and champagne bottles later.

John Crichton, astronaut

Very typical American. Arrogant and self-centered and outspoken most of the time.
Surprisingly thoughtful and reflective. Sensitive about certain subjects (who is Scorpy?) and very sweet when he wants to be (tea cup)
Seems rather lonely a lot of the time.
A royal pain in the arse - thinks he can just take other people's books and mock them in front of the whole bar. Never read any more romance novels in front of him again!
Is fun to be around: jokes a lot, acts just as childish as myself on occassion, very amusing.
Lives in another galaxy on an aliens spaceship -- must take me there someday.
Family is important to him. I wouldn't mind having him as a brother, for one.
Has wonderful stories to share and clearly must talk more about his experiences.

REMEMBER: Ask about Scorpy!

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Flat 007, Milliways

James Bond, MI-6

Does not look like any of the actors who have played him in the films. Blonde, for example. Certainly no Roger Moore.
Has a temper and yells quite easily. But will apologise if you pressure him enough.
Is real (perhaps the most important bit of this whole thing -- 'fictional' people show up in Milliways).
Very emotional even if he's hard to show it (impossible's more like it, actually).
Grew up with an aunt after losing his parents ~~(like me)~~ as a child. I think it still bothers him. I know losing my parents still bothers me.
Would make a wonderful brother, I think. At least, I assume that when I chat - aruge - with him, it's like I would if I had any siblings.
Needs to smile more.
MI-6 and a spy, just like in the books and films. Even dating Vesper Lynd!
Intelligent and honest and forgives those he loves -- he won't lie. I like that.

REMINDER: James owes me one scarf - yellow and light blue in color - to be knitted by hand and hopefully completed by the time I return to Milliways.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: Room 1980, Millliways

Captain Jack Harkness

Claims to be a captain of something. Of what, he never specified. Still, possesses all the airs of a military man.
Travelled himself. Knows the Doctor and the TARDIS, even travelled with him (therefore familiar with time/space travel). Doctor has never mentioned him – from the future perhaps?
Won’t expand on certain subjects – stubborn, to say the least. And arrogant and oh, so frustrating! Has too many secrets.
Flirty. Could be an advantage, so long as he remains charming and doesn’t start acting just like every other man.
Cynical view on humans and Earth. Why? There’s absolutely no reason for that sort of view, especially from someone who’s travelled with the Doctor. What else has he seen ~~that I haven’t~~?
Also knows something of UNIT and it’s employees. How?