[Milliways] OOM: London, February 2007

[his_sarah_jane]

Sarah Jane has never liked hospitals much. But true to her word, she doesn't put up any sort of resistance on the way to St Anne's. The ride over is silent; Sarah feels too weak to really say much at all. Instead, she spends time trying her best to stay conscious and not collapse on James yet again.

Soon enough, they arrive at the hospital from their Notting Hill house. There isn't a long wait in Accident and Emergency, so Sarah's seen quickly enough. After taking her vitals and the like, they hook her up to an IV and transfer her over to maternity. It's there that she's question until feeling dizzy all over again. When the last doctor leaves, it's with the promise of sending a psychiatrist over in the morning.

Finally, she's allowed some alone time with James. She's been anticipating and dreading this moment through every exam and interview. When it does come, she's not sure she's prepared. But there's one thing she can say, and it's certainly deserved at the moment.

"Thank you."

Comments

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He sits on a nearby chair, sighing as he does. "You're welcome."

His eyes are closed. He pinches his nose. It's been a long day.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

The nose pinching has certainly become a tell with him. Quite often, she's noticed him do it when she's being aggravating. So she shrugs a little, suddenly feeling awkward.

Quietly, "You weren't supposed to find out."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"Find out what? That you hadn't been taking care of yourself?"

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah Jane nods as she takes sudden interest in the IV in her hand. "I wanted to be strong."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"And you thought--" He can't finish the sentence. She's sick, she's depressed, she's not going to take any insinuations of being reckless well. "Nevermind. Will you be OK for the night?"

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She didn't care. Why can't he see that? Her life had been falling to pieces, she had been abandoned yet again. She just couldn't bring herself to care.

She glances wryly at IV again. "Even if I'm not, I don't think that they'll give me much choice about here."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

That was the idea behind taking her here.

"Okay."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah Jane nods absently, taking a breath.

"I really am sorry."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"For what?"

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"Intruding on your space and getting you involved when you don't want to be," she says quietly. Then, Sarah waves her free hand. "Whatever happened back there. It's a little blurry, but I... I really mucked this one up, didn't I?"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"It's not your fault."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She nods, sighing. Sarah doesn't know how to tell him how much she hurts, how much she's shut down over this. It's easy enough to think it - that's she's been abandoned by everyone and she's lost so much to be with him and now that he's left her, she doesn't know what there is to live for anymore. She doesn't know how to tell him that she's yelled at friends, pushed them away, and quite possibly attempted to kill Valerie with her lack of eating. Sarah Jane doesn't know how to tell him any of this right now. It's a contrary to her normal willingness to talk.

Instead, Sarah just nods and shrugs and glances away.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

A pause.

"I'll leave you alone, then," he says, rising to his feet.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Alone isn't what she wants. She's so tired of being alone.

Sarah Jane looks upward, blinking back tears as she watches him rise. She doesn't want him to go. She's never wanted that.

"Ca- can you leave a note for friends in Milliways. About this. About - that I'm sorry. That I'm so very sorry."

And now the tears come. She's been pushing away so many people. She's said and wished so many horrible things about her daughter. She's lost James, she's certain. All she can do is cry.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

James crosses over to the bed, sitting next to Sarah Jane, placing his hand on her back. He's quiet. He'll let her cry.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

The moment he sits next to her, she buries her face into his shirt and dampens it instantly. Sarah Jane wants to stop crying. She wants to be strong and patient for him. But lately, once the tears come, she doesn't know how to stop them.

Eventually, though, only hiccuping and a little hyperventilating is left. She sniffles, not wanting to pull away yet. But the tears have gone and passed.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He can't do anything but sit there, but wrap an arm around her and let her dampen his shirt. He can't speak, because there's nothing to say, nothing in his mind that would better the situation. This is just how things are.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Finally, Sarah does speak. Very, very quietly, "Are we getting a divorce?"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"Let's not discuss this right now."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah Jane nods meekly. She feels heartbroken enough as is right now. But yet, a part of her just wants to feel worse.

Not knowing what else to say, Sarah moves to hug him. Her action pulls at the IV, which stings a little, but doesn't stop her. She just wants to touch him and cling to him and never let go.

Still quiet, "I don't want to be alone."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

You'll have Valerie, he thinks. Saying it won't help.

He says nothing.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

It's only a matter of time before the hugging turns to desperate exploration of his face. As her fingers try to memorize his face through touch, almost as a precaution to never seeing him again, she plants a gentle kiss on the nape of his neck.

There's only one other thought on her mind now. And as exhaustion finally claims her and she moves to rest her head back against his chest, she lets it slip out: "I don't want to keep living if everyone leaves me in the end."

Then, her eyes close.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He closes his eyes, too, turning to kiss the top of her head, to mutter an earnest apology for doing the one thing everyone always does to him: leave.

But he can't think of a way to make this work. Staying would mean misery for him and more problems for all of them down the line. He wish it wasn't the case.




Eventually, he starts to pull away, gently resting her head on the pillow as he gets off the bed.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She had been falling asleep in those minutes between, feeling safer in James' arms than she's felt in weeks. But as gentle as his movements are, they are enough to wake her up. She blinks sleepily, watching him stand for a few moments.

He's leaving. But this time it's understandably so. Even if they weren't in this horrible situation right now, she wouldn't expect him to stay.

"Wait," she whispers before attempting to speak a little louder. "Wait. James, can you hand me pen and paper from that computer desk?"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He looks at the computer desk, then crosses over to it, picking up the pen and paper. He hands it to her.

"You're going to write the note?"

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah nods, reaching for the remote control on her bed to write on. She bites down on her lip for a moment as she considers what to write. In the end, the note she hands back to James reads:

I'm fine. At a hospital in London with James watching over me. Don't even think of hurting him in any way, anyone. This is our problem and we don't want anyone to get involved, unless it's as a friendly ear.

To those I've hurt yelled had differences with: sorry.

-Sarah

"Can you see anyone who's talked to me gets this, James? Please?"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He nods, looking over the note before folding it and placing it in a pocket.

"I-- Take care, Sarah."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She nods, feeling tears coming all over again. Still, she forces a slight smile on her face.

"Thank you, James. I'll, um. I suppose I'll see you when they let me out of here?"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"You will." A faint smile flickers across his lips, and vanishes.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She nods again before sinking back into the pillow. The room is so white and clean. She hates it already. The only color comes from the London city lights outside the window and the green curtain around her bed.

Thankfully, she doesn't have a roommate yet.

"Good night, then."