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[Theatrical Muse] Response
Nov. 27th, 2007 11:12 am What do you live for?
It was Valentine’s Day. Like every Valentine’s Day in the past, Sarah Jane found herself alone. Previously, it never came as a surprise. Sarah was never good at keeping relationships. The only Valentine’s Day she ever spent as half of a couple was back in university, when she was still with Andrew. This year, though, she had hoped it would be different. After a wonderful Christmas and an even better New Year’s with James, she had found herself almost looking forward to the next holiday.
Except today was that day. Lunch hour had been very much spent eying happy couples in O’Neill’s. When Susan received a bouquet of flowers from her fiancée, Sarah couldn’t help the twinge of resentment. Then, when the work day was done, she felt absolutely no need to go home. Like always, she took the tube to Holland Park. But instead of turning the corner towards home, she found herself wandering towards the nearby park instead.
The bench was cold. There was frost in the damp air, and she found herself shivering the moment she sat. Sarah knew she couldn’t stay out here for long. It wouldn’t be fair to Valerie. But she didn’t want to go back to that empty town house yet. Not on today.
Ever since their row two weeks ago, Sarah had found herself living more and more for her unborn daughter and less and less for herself. It was quite the contrary to the woman she was a year ago, before stumbling upon Milliways and before meeting James. Back then, she had lived primarily for herself and for life. She lived her life in memory of a dead friend who had, in death, showed her just again how flipping important it was to make every moment count. It was her little secret. She never discussed it. She never found the need as long as she remembered to value life itself.
And look where it had gotten her. She hadn’t listened to reason in coming to Milliways. She knew perfectly well what a place like this was capable of. Now, Sarah Jane had to live with the consequences. But those consequences seemed to be more than she can handle. For the first time since she was thirteen, life seemed too overwhelming, too difficult for her to deal with. Sarah couldn’t comprehend a future alone in a world and a time that wasn’t hers.
For a brief second after the fight, Sarah had wished for Valerie’s death. If she didn’t have this child, she could go back and pretend that nothing odd ever happened. The second after that, she felt repulsed. What sort of mother was she? The tears came with no one to comfort her. She whispered apologies to her baby again and again. And, after that, Sarah Jane shut down. She went by the motions and little else. Anything more seemed like a reminder of her loss.
She sat in the park, watching people – couples and families – go by. She had hoped to give Valerie everything she never had: the proper family, the home, the pets, at least one parent who would be by her side throughout the girl’s life. But without a husband and an extra income, that dream had shattered. Sarah couldn’t raise a daughter on a journalist’s income. And that truth hurt as much as losing James ever could.
Her world had shattered. Sarah Jane had been abandoned once again. She had been abandoned by the Doctor – who she was certain still wouldn’t properly speak to her. She had been abandoned by her husband – she had no right to hold him to a life he abhorred, after all. While she clung to hope that James would come back, she couldn’t find the energy to remain optimistic. In fact, the only person who hadn’t abandoned her, the only person she couldn’t help but wish would was her daughter. Valerie was helpless in all this. In less than three months, she would be born to a world that Sarah had never quite viewed as dark and dismal before.
With her life as mucked up as it was, Sarah could only find one thing left to live for. Valerie didn’t deserve any of Sarah Jane’s problems. It took a horrible fight for Sarah to realize just how much her life wasn’t her own anymore. She couldn’t be that carefree, reckless girl. She couldn’t live life only for herself and her own happiness. Valerie deserved more: she only deserved the best.
And Sarah Jane would try damn hard to give that to her.
[based on roleplay at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
milliways_bar]
It was Valentine’s Day. Like every Valentine’s Day in the past, Sarah Jane found herself alone. Previously, it never came as a surprise. Sarah was never good at keeping relationships. The only Valentine’s Day she ever spent as half of a couple was back in university, when she was still with Andrew. This year, though, she had hoped it would be different. After a wonderful Christmas and an even better New Year’s with James, she had found herself almost looking forward to the next holiday.
Except today was that day. Lunch hour had been very much spent eying happy couples in O’Neill’s. When Susan received a bouquet of flowers from her fiancée, Sarah couldn’t help the twinge of resentment. Then, when the work day was done, she felt absolutely no need to go home. Like always, she took the tube to Holland Park. But instead of turning the corner towards home, she found herself wandering towards the nearby park instead.
The bench was cold. There was frost in the damp air, and she found herself shivering the moment she sat. Sarah knew she couldn’t stay out here for long. It wouldn’t be fair to Valerie. But she didn’t want to go back to that empty town house yet. Not on today.
Ever since their row two weeks ago, Sarah had found herself living more and more for her unborn daughter and less and less for herself. It was quite the contrary to the woman she was a year ago, before stumbling upon Milliways and before meeting James. Back then, she had lived primarily for herself and for life. She lived her life in memory of a dead friend who had, in death, showed her just again how flipping important it was to make every moment count. It was her little secret. She never discussed it. She never found the need as long as she remembered to value life itself.
And look where it had gotten her. She hadn’t listened to reason in coming to Milliways. She knew perfectly well what a place like this was capable of. Now, Sarah Jane had to live with the consequences. But those consequences seemed to be more than she can handle. For the first time since she was thirteen, life seemed too overwhelming, too difficult for her to deal with. Sarah couldn’t comprehend a future alone in a world and a time that wasn’t hers.
For a brief second after the fight, Sarah had wished for Valerie’s death. If she didn’t have this child, she could go back and pretend that nothing odd ever happened. The second after that, she felt repulsed. What sort of mother was she? The tears came with no one to comfort her. She whispered apologies to her baby again and again. And, after that, Sarah Jane shut down. She went by the motions and little else. Anything more seemed like a reminder of her loss.
She sat in the park, watching people – couples and families – go by. She had hoped to give Valerie everything she never had: the proper family, the home, the pets, at least one parent who would be by her side throughout the girl’s life. But without a husband and an extra income, that dream had shattered. Sarah couldn’t raise a daughter on a journalist’s income. And that truth hurt as much as losing James ever could.
Her world had shattered. Sarah Jane had been abandoned once again. She had been abandoned by the Doctor – who she was certain still wouldn’t properly speak to her. She had been abandoned by her husband – she had no right to hold him to a life he abhorred, after all. While she clung to hope that James would come back, she couldn’t find the energy to remain optimistic. In fact, the only person who hadn’t abandoned her, the only person she couldn’t help but wish would was her daughter. Valerie was helpless in all this. In less than three months, she would be born to a world that Sarah had never quite viewed as dark and dismal before.
With her life as mucked up as it was, Sarah could only find one thing left to live for. Valerie didn’t deserve any of Sarah Jane’s problems. It took a horrible fight for Sarah to realize just how much her life wasn’t her own anymore. She couldn’t be that carefree, reckless girl. She couldn’t live life only for herself and her own happiness. Valerie deserved more: she only deserved the best.
And Sarah Jane would try damn hard to give that to her.
[based on roleplay at
milliways_bar]
