[Muse Playground] Response

147. Something's been killed recently. You can feel it inside...

She had known for a long time that something had died. But knowing and acknowledging had always been two different things for Sarah Jane. For the past two months, she had lived a rather hallow existence. She was alive, yes, but something had been killed inside. Hooked up to an IV and barely eating, her life had been filled with visits from doctors upon doctors to encourage her to eat. It was the same routine each day: Dr Traviss would come for their session and nurses would bring food that Sarah ignored.

The only moments that mattered was the time she spent alone with her unborn daughter. They were moments filled with guilt and self-hatred. Whenever Valerie kicked, Sarah felt a pang in her heart. It chipped away at what little was left. James hadn’t come back since he had brought her to the hospital. She knew for certain that she had lost him. Valerie was all she had left. And she was all Valerie had left. Yet, that wasn’t enough.

Something had died.

When the first cramp came, she found it a relief. When her water broke, it was even more so of one. After two months of depressively waiting for her daughter to be born, this was the moment. Tears sprung to her eyes as she pressed the button for the nurse. It would be an operation. At this point, Sarah Jane was far too weak to deliver Valerie naturally.

As she waited, she closed her eyes and placed a hand on her stomach. It would all be over soon. All Sarah had to do was hold on a few more minutes. And then…then she could finally acknowledge the death. Her spirit had been crushed in being abandoned again. At this point, Sarah couldn’t even find the energy to go on living for her daughter.

“I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered. “I hope you have all the happiness your father and I could never give you.”

Soon enough, she was rushed to the operating room. Soon enough, a remarkably healthy baby girl was born. Sarah never knew. She gave in to the anesthesia easily. And as she slept, she chose never to wake up. As the beeps on the monitor flattened to a dull line, attendants rushed to save her. In a nearby room, Valerie Bond began to cry in her father’s arms.

But it was over.

Something had died. Sarah Jane had known it all along. She only needed to give in.

[ooc: based on rp in milliways bar. blamed on finals period.]

[Milliways] OOM: London, February 2007

“Sarah, the nurses tell me that you’re still not eating properly.”

It was such a clear statement of fact that it nearly made Sarah Jane roll her eyes at him. Today was her third appointment with Dr Traviss and, so far, she had found therapy as frustrating as she had when she was thirteen. Talking about her ‘problems’ weren’t making them any better. She missed James. She was hurt by his departure. She worried about the fact that he never would return to her, that she wasn’t worth loving. All of this, Dr Traviss knew by now. And so far, no solution was offered.

“Valerie’s doing fine,” Sarah responded, as if that was the only bit important. After all: wasn’t all this to keep her daughter healthy? “Isn’t that enough?”

“I’m afraid not, Sarah,” Dr Traviss said, looking at her from behind his folder. “You know we can’t dismiss you until you show full and lasting signs of taking care of yourself again. You can’t punish yourself or Valerie for others’ mistakes.”

She gave him a flat look in return. “You mean James.”

“Well, yes. If we’re to be specific.” He paused for a moment to scan over his notes. “How did you meet James?”

Suddenly, Sarah’s face fell. That was over a year and a half ago and a much simpler time. She didn’t want to talk about it. She was tired of talking. Tired of talking about recent life with James, up to and including their (his?) issues now. About how her parents died when she was a child and how the aunt who had raised her had also ‘died’ in the past year. About her first failed engagement. She was bloody tired of it all and it was only the third day in which she had seen him.

“We were at a pub,” she said quietly. “We started talking. We were friends first, for a couple months, until he kissed me. And then…”

Sarah waved a hand, indicating that was the end of the story. Take away a visit from a dead ex, the location of a bar at the end of the universe, and her own complicated life of time travelling and it really was that simple. The met, fell in love, and had a child.

And couldn’t last.

She sighed deeply, wiping at her eyes. “I know it seems fast, but neither of us were quite the type to take things slow. And then Valerie came along seven months ago and we’ve been married for over four months and it’s hurting again. It’s hurting a lot.”

Dr Traviss handed her the box of tissues. It didn’t make a lot of difference in Sarah’s eyes, though. The pain was overwhelming. She missed that time. Back then, if things had gone this way, she could simply return to her old life. She wouldn’t have a child to take care of. She wanted that so much. Her psychiatrist could never understand. Not when there was still so much she had to leave out.

“You didn’t think he was going to leave you, did you?”

Sarah shook her head, trying to chase away the remaining tears. “He married me. He loved me.”

“A lot of people leave you, don’t they, Sarah?”

She nodded weakly. That was true. That was so very true.

“Do you blame yourself?”

Of course she did. Clearly, something about her was unlovable. She mucked things up. She was too stubborn and too selfish to see things any differently. People came and went far too quickly in Sarah Jane’s life for her liking. It was one of the few things she couldn’t ever understand. People died, people grew annoyed and tired with her. And then she was alone. She always seemed to be alone, no matter how hard she tried to make her life different.

Sarah nodded again.

“Is that why you’re not eating?”

At that, she shrugged. By now, Sarah had gotten used to telling herself that she wasn’t hungry. That was a perfectly reasonable choice not to eat, after all. She hadn’t bothered to think of it in any other way.

“Sarah, I know that I’ve already said this once today, but I can’t stress how important it is that you know this. You can’t keep punishing yourself or Valerie. That won’t change anything, Sarah. We can work on this, you know. We can work to see you happy and confident again. No one ought to go through anything like this alone.”

But that was the thing, wasn’t it? “I am alone.”

“No you’re not. And I promise you, as a parent myself, that the moment Valerie is a born, you’ll see what I mean. We’ve already discussed the fact that you want to keep your child. We really do need to start working towards this goal. Now... Do you think we can talk about the first time you remember feeling like this?”

She still hated all of this so very much. Sarah Jane just wanted to go home and go back to work. She wanted life to be like it was a month ago. She knew, rationally, that that could never happen. You can’t go back in time unless you had a time machine. Here, in this reality, such things did not exist. She had to take the hard path rather than the easy path.

So she shrugged, not quite meeting the doctor’s eyes. “I can try.”