[Milliways] OOM: James' Flat, London, 2006

[his_sarah_jane]

After their discussion days ago regarding moving the wedding up to ...well, to sometime relatively soon, Sarah Jane had promised to start looking in to details (as long as he would do the same, of course). But that had been days ago, and since then Sarah Jane had no more opened the wedding magazine she had brought than even began looking at the calender for a date.

Instead, she busies herself today with working on an article for a small London newspaper. The magazine sits somewhere on the table, buried under notes and photographs and books. It rests there, almost forgotten, as she works and wonders.

How long has it been since her last trip with the Doctor? Sarah thumps her pencil against the table, and when she reaches for the calender, it's not to look for a wedding date at all.

Comments

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"Yes," she answers right away, relieved to get the word out. It had been such a weight on her chest, all those fears and uncertainties leading up to the wedding. And now that she's admitted them?

It's certainly a start.

She doesn't look away as she continues to speak. Once the words resume, Sarah Jane finds it very difficult to stop until every last thought is spent.

"It's not that I don't love you, James, because I do. So very much, more than I can put in to words. But I'm frightened. The last time I tried doing this was a complete disaster. And...and well I can't help but notice that we've reached a lull in our relationship. Is this what life is going to be like after marriage? Well, boring?

"And then I think about walking away from you and that thought frightens me just as much. I don't want to lose you either. Oh, crikey, I don't know what I want!"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

James pulls her into a hug, partially to comfort her and partially to distract himself. That simple word, "yes," had been a concise declaration of all the dissatisfaction laying beneath their domestic bliss, and he's slightly surprised to discover that Sarah Jane feels the same way as he does--though considering their history, he shouldn't. He and Sarah Jane are more alike in mind than he realizes, at times.

As for what he has to say, he keeps to himself. Largely because he doesn't know what to say.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

For once, Sarah Jane doesn't care that James isn't responding with words. It's the hug that matters most to her right now as all her fears continue to plague her. He's not angry with her (or he wouldn't be hugging her, would he?) but that still doesn't answer anything. It doesn't tell them how they can get the best out of all worlds.

When she shuts her eyes, a few tears finally fall and Sarah buries herself in his embrace. This isn't fair. She truly loves James, and she's certain he feels the same way about her. Or they wouldn't be in this whole mess to begin with.

Oh, why did she have to go and fall for someone who handled domesticity as poorly as she did?

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

James relishes the distraction of the embrace. Doing this, he can shut off his mind and focus on the act, on doing the right things that will make her feel comfortable.



The distraction doesn't work too well, this time, though. After a few seconds of mindless bliss, James is struck with a persuasive conviction that he's done this all before, and there's nothing new; they've exhausted all the routes of their relationship. Going any further would spell misery and disaster for them both.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She sighs as she pulls herself out of his embrace, needing to look at him right now more than actually touching him. She wants to search his face for an answer, but to her disappointment Sarah doesn't see anything more than she knows her own face reflects.

One of them has to speak, though, and her patiences is planning to give out soon anyway. With another sigh, Sarah tilts her head and fights back the newest wave of tears.

"Is this the end, James?"

Pause.

"I don't want it to be. But I'm so afraid it is."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

That's the thing about Sarah Jane Smith: she thinks what he thinks, and she's not afraid to admit it--one of the things that drew him to her, initially, but now that tendency to speak their mutual truth is serving to draw them apart. He can't bring himself to lie through actions and words. As usual, she's rendered him completely defenseless.

He stops himself from looking away and stares directly into her eyes.

"It might just be."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

The other thing about Sarah Jane Smith is that she has never been afraid to wear her emotions on her face. So she lets the tears fall as she faces, thinking over his words.

It feels so much like it's over. They've reached this dull lull that neither of them are happy with. Domestic bliss isn't suited for either of them. It's rather clear of that now, sitting in the living room of the flat together in silence. This whole conversation keeps reminding her how clear it is.

But she's still in love with him. Her heart still skips beats when he kisses her and she still can't imagine her life without him. And that certainly means she's not giving up on him yet. She's not giving up on them yet. One failed engagement in Sarah Jane Smith's life is more than enough. She doesn't want to live through another.

Resolve comes quicker than expected and Sarah wipes at her face before standing up. She picks up one of James' hands in her own, standing there with quite a sincere look on her face.

"Pack a bag."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

James was readying himself for a big emotional break-up and break down, but this new resolve, and this new request, catches him so off guard that he's left with an almost comical confused expression on his face.

"What?"

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"Oh, you heard me," Sarah replies, tugging on his hand to try to get him out of the seat. No other thoughts remain on her mind but this one demand.

"Pack a bag. And we'll get the next plane out to the Riviera and we'll get married. And then we'll disappear for a cruise around the world and make our own adventures if none will come to either of us."

She pauses, watching for her words to sink in.

"Marry me, James Bond." Pause. "Now."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

This sounds...this sounds...

...wonderful, fantastic, thrilling--and all a fucking fantasy. That's what he was going to have with Vesper.

Still, he can't find the words to object to this insane plan. What about their jobs? He couldn't keep yanking M's chain, resigning then not resigning. He didn't know where these "adventures" with Sarah Jane would go. Where would they get the money? What would they do?

And yet there's a part of him, a part that's growing by the second, that loves this insane plan. Even if it is getting beat down by the logical portion of Bond's brain.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"I'm serious, James," Sarah continues when she still doesn't see him move. "No one will miss us for a month or two and if the money runs out, we just come back. It's not as if anything important is going on right now and if we stay here any longer, this is going to be the end."

The tears come back as she says those words and she shakes her head. She needs to be strong right now, not weepy.

"We have enough for now, between your income and the little of mine. We can go..." Sarah Jane pauses before gesturing widely. "All over the world. It's been nearly a year since the last time I was in India, and I've never been anywhere else in Asia. Then there's the Americas to explore and Australia! And we could start married life doing what we both love to do the best."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

Her hope isn't making things any better for him. In fact, it makes him more dreadfully sick than the prospect of leaving her. She's young and inexperienced and not a little bit immature. She believes that things will work if she wishes just hard enough. James knows different. He knows that even the biggest hope couldn't save what didn't work, what was already marked for death. He knows it just as surely as he knows that the mania reflected in Sarah Jane's face is the same mania that drove him confess he'd do anything to bring Vesper back to life.

Quietly, looking at her steadily, he replies, "I can't do that, Sarah."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

He face falls quickly and she lets the tears come back.

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

"Then marry me, James. At the very least, don't give up on me yet."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He lays his other hand on top of hers, feeling more like the very much older partner than he ever has in their relationship.

"Listen, Sarah: if we get married, there's no guarantee that things will get better than that. A sheet of paper's not going to solve our problems. What are we going to do then, when we realize that neither of can stand it anymore? Run off and see the world? I couldn't possibly do that, not with my job. I'd have to resign, and I'm not doing that again. I have what I have. I can't afford starting over. You're young, Sarah. You can start over. I can't."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"I don't want to," Sarah mumbles. "At least not without you."

He's right. Out of the two of them, she is the younger. Yet, it's not so much a matter of having the potential of starting a new life rather than realising something she had fought to accept all this time. She's the younger. She can't come here and expect him to change his her life for her. It's not what Sarah Jane ever wanted anyway.

"You're right," she finally says, shaking her head firmly. "It was a daft, mad idea that I threw out there in desperation. We both have jobs - careers - that we've worked to built. And we honestly can't abandon them on a spree, can we?

"But... but what I can do is ...oh, I can finally grow up, can't I? Get over myself and my stupid worries and fully respect you as a man who loves me but needs to live your own life as well. Let you go out with Tanner or one of your other friends, male or not!, and not stay up until you get home."

She took a quick breath, thinking the rest of her words through. It was always hard for Sarah to admit when she was wrong, and the struggle shows on her face now. "I had no intention of playing housewife when we started this thing together and it's about time I stop.




"...I think you're right. I do need to start over, but I need to start over as your compliment rather than someone trying to smother you. Or neither of us are ever going to be happy, are we?"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

Sarah Jane, he must admit, is terribly good at arguing her case. And this is an argument he can agree to. He nods. "Sit down."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She nods and sits with absolutely no disagreement. Still, she keeps his hand folded tightly in hers as if afraid to let go.

Which, clearly, she is.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He focuses on their entwined hands for a few moments, then takes a breath and speaks: "Listen, I think we ought to try living apart for a while."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah frowns as she tosses the words around in her head. Meeting his gaze, she quirks an eyebrow. "You were the one who suggested I move in with you, if you remember."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

James grins, a little guiltily. "I did. And now I think I might've suggested it too soon. We've been moving fast, Sarah. Very fast. Too fast, if you ask me. Getting married won't change anything."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She almost wants to laugh at that guilty grin. It would certainly relieve the tension inside of her.

"I haven't complained. Well, much," Sarah Jane replies with a shrug. Her face becomes thoughtful while she falls quiet again. "Living apart, does that include Milliways as well? Because I have grown rather fond of having a place to escape to when the Doctor doesn't seem likely to bring me home."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"You can stay in the flat in Milliways."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah nods, glancing down at the engagement ring for a moment. "Does that mean you'll be wanting this back? I mean, well. I've never quite done any of this before and it doesn't sound like you're breaking up with me."

There's another pause and she grins. "Time apart probably could do us both some good. Although I would like to reserve the right to a date every week or so."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

"Darling, you can keep the ring. Even if we do wind up--well, it's yours. I bought it for you. As for the dates--it really depends on whether I'm in town, doesn't it?" He winks.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"And the engagement?" The eyebrow goes back up.

"Although before you answer that, I would like to point out that I did say every week or so, thanks all the same. It would also depend if I'm around, you see."