[Milliways] OOM: James' Flat, London, 2006

[his_sarah_jane]

The seconds are moving too slowly right now.

He should have been home minutes ago. What she really needed was for him to have been back hours ago.

She had checked. Double checked and triple checked and it was all rather very clear, wasn't it? What it all meant and implied for her future. Their future.

Most of the time, Sarah Jane took life's surprises with grace and a sense of eagerness. Right now, though, she's terrified. Horribly and completely terrified that her life is about to change again and not in a way she's prepared for at all.

And so she leans back in the sofa again, closing her eyes and wishing the seconds to go by faster.

Comments

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Hardly enough time at all.

Sarah blinks back tears as she studies him, wishing just once he'd wear his emotions as easily as she wore hers. Maybe it has been just a matter of time given their too oft bursts of passionate recklessness, but it's just not fair.

It's not fair.

She sighs. "I despise asking this, but what are we going to do? I..."

Hadn't planned on this happening ever.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He pushes a hand over his hair, biting his lip, letting the hand swing back forcefully to his side. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

Fuck.

Everything right now. Fuck. That’s what he gets for acting without giving thought to consequence.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah closes her eyes, trying to make some sense of this. She gives up less than a second later, too caught up in the here and now. She can't focus on plans or on future but only the voice shouting in her head that she's pregnant.

It's much louder now than it had been before she had said anything outloud.

And it's much more frightening than all the Daleks and Cybermen and Le Chiffres in the universe.

"Well, I don't either."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

“I can’t have a kid right now,” he says, half-looking half-not-looking at her. “I can’t.”

She’s not the only one who’s afraid, but James just thinks he’s pissed. Right. It’s totally anger.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"And you think I can?" Sarah nearly yells. "Or even wanted one to begin with?"

Because she didn't. She never wanted a child, the extra responsibility she wouldn't know what to do with living life as an investigative journalist who loves to travel. Even as a child, she didn't know what to make of other children. Who said it would be any better now?

She rubs at her eyes roughly, trying to hide the tears. "I don't want this either."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

“Well then get rid of it!” he shouts, flinging his hand. Immediately he turns away. What the hell did he just say? Fuck.

He slams his hand against the wall.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"I'm not!"

She's not. Sarah's already considered that when she did the math earlier in the day. An abortion wasn't an option. She couldn't do that to a soul who was innocent in this whole mess. It's their fault - her's and James' - and she's well aware of that fact.

Sarah stomps on the carpet hard. "I can't just get rid of all this and you know that!"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He sighs, loud and deep, and presses his head against the wall.

“Then I don’t know.” Resigned.

A few minutes ago he had been excited over what? A few toys to play with at work tomorrow? It really seemed like months since then. The toys didn’t seem very important anymore.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah takes a tentative step closer and then another and another until she can wrap an arm around his waist. He might not need it, but she needs the physical contact right now.

"It's a week. I've never been this late before, James," she murmurs, almost babbles. "Never."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He needs it, too. He places one of his hands over hers, taking another sigh.

What the hell is he going to do with a baby?

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

When his hand covers her, Sarah finally lets herself go and cries softly.

"I'm afraid. I'm really afraid of all this."

Telling James that she was late was only the first hurdle. And now there were so many more to cross until...until when? When they have a baby? That couldn't be it, could it? How could that be her future?

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He sighs, rubbing his head against the wall. What is he supposed to say right now? That he’s afraid, too? That this is all a mistake? He’s at a loss for words.

He squeezes her hand. Not sufficient communication, he knows. But that’s all he can say.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

There aren't any words that could make her feel better right now, she thinks. Only going back and preventing this from happening, or waking up and finding out it's all some daft dream.

She continues to cry, now hiding her face in his suit.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He lifts his head, disregarding if the skin scratches against the wall.

“Maybe it’s a false alarm.”

He hopes so. It’s far too early in their relationship to have to deal with a child.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She doesn't think so. She wants it to be, but life can't be that easy, can it?

"Maybe," she mumbles, not moving her head from against him. But it's a defeated maybe.

One would think she would know her own body better than this than to fall victim to a false alarm.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

“Well, let’s wait before we say for certain that you’re pregnant.”

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"And till then?"

It's not like she can easily dismiss this. Not when there might be a child growing inside her. It's a hard thing to forget.

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

“I don’t know.”

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"Well, that makes two of us," Sarah admits with a frown, tears drying.

She's quiet for a long moment and then looks up at James slowly, curiously. "Is it wrong that I'm hoping this is nothing more than some bloody stupid false alarm?"

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

“No, because that’s what I’m hoping, too.”

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"Good," she says, not really smiling.

At least they're being honest.

"I don't want to lose you, James."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

He peers at her over his shoulder. “You think you would lose me if this wasn’t a false alarm?”

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She nods weakly. "You are a double-oh."

[callitavesper.livejournal.com]

“I’d have to retire from the service.” His 00 was not his identity. It wasn’t him, the person. It was a number he could dump as easy as changing clothes. Or close to it.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She shakes her head. "No you couldn't. It's too much of who you are. And I honestly respect that about you. I...we'll figure something out, won't we? We've made it this far."