his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - snuggling)
Two weeks have passed since Sarah and Valerie had returned from the hospital. It had been a lovely two week, really. James would go to work in the morning, kissing his girls goodbye as they slept. Sarah, after finagling a deal with her boss, would do her work at home. Restlessness would get to her quickly though and she'd often wind up in Milliways for breaks.

It really had been a lovely two weeks. Valerie and James went on their first father-daughter outing. Sarah had appointed John godfather to her daughter. Really, the past two weeks had been lovely. A perfect start to their little family.

That is, until five nights ago.

Five nights ago, Valerie had discovered a new game. She was generally a quiet and wide-eyed child. She'd cry mostly for food or for a diaper change. Occasionally, it was for attention. But for the first four days, she had kept to crying during the day.

Five nights ago, it all changed.

The hallway clock chimes loudly, but not nearly as loud as the cries echoing through the baby monitor. Sarah Jane stirs in her sleep, snuggling up against the man beside her. An arm flings outward as she tries to ignore the cries. Maybe if she hid her head, they'd go away.
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
She had received a text mere hours before. James was on his way home from his unknown destination and Sarah Jane had been more than eager (and more than nervous) to see him again. Maybe they could finally talk. Maybe they could finally figure things out. Maybe they could act like the mature adults they were supposed to be.

But fate, it seemed, had other plans.

In the midst of working on last minute preparations on Valerie's room, her water broke. Eleven days earlier than expected, Sarah and James' daughter was too impatient to wait any longer. Sarah panicked. Now she was on the way to the hospital and terrified that James might not get back at time. No matter what state their relationship was in, she wanted him to be here for this.

By the time the car service pulled in, Sarah Jane felt exhausted already. After reception and the like, she was shown to a room. The nurse reassured her that it would only be a matter of time now, that everything would be okay. But after a visit from Dr Ross minutes later, Sarah wasn't certain that everything would be okay after all. The umbilical cord whad slipped in to the birth canal ahead of Valerie. There would have to be surgery.

The nurse went out to attempt to call James again as another began to prep Sarah Jane.
his_sarah_jane: (pensive)
The journey back from the hospital was a quiet one. Neither, it appeared, had very much to discuss in the back of the cab James had hired to drive them home. Neither, it seemed, felt like being the first to discuss Sarah Jane's (hopefully) previous problem.

As soon as she got home (to a cat who had clearly been busy with hunting mice), the first thing Sarah did was to collapse on the couch. She was exhausted: mentally and physically. The apprehension she felt was slowly killing her all over again. But Sarah didn't know what to say. And she didn't know how to say it.
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
As she eats each passing day, Sarah Jane grows more and more restless in her hospital room. It had almost seemed a strange sensation the first day, when the nurse brought dinner shortly after Dr Traviss had left. She had been unable to eat much that meal: only a very small portion of the Sheppard’s pie that had come with it. The next day, for breakfast, she had found herself capable of eating little more. And so the trend had continued.

It isn’t easy though. She still can’t find that appetite she once had. Sarah eats until she’s eaten enough to please Valerie and then she stops. All the therapy sessions in the world, it seems, are incapable of mending her heart. Sarah Jane still silently hopes James will come back. She wishes this was all a nightmare. All the therapy sessions in the world are incapable of her understanding James’ choices at the moment.

Yet, slowly she learns about what it means to be a parent. Yes, her own emotions (the heartache she is certain she will always bear) are important. But what is more so is Valerie. She had reached this conclusion before, but it had never seemed to stick. She had promised Dr Ross that she would eat. Instead, she had wound up in the hospital with an IV feeding both herself and her daughter the nutrition she had denied them. This time, though, Sarah feels more determined. Her talks with Dr Traviss this past week have done a lot. Sarah feels as if she’s learning.

She’s been reminded that, as much as it hurts to be abandoned now, that isn’t her future forever. James may still change his mind. He may, as her psychiatrist puts it, stop feeling afraid when he holds his own daughter. But, he tells her day after day, she’ll always have Valerie. And isn’t that something? Having a child, he tells her, is the most rewarding experience one can have. Seven and a half months pregnant now, Sarah Jane thinks that she may agree.

So, finally, the day comes that Dr Traviss promises she’ll be released the next day. Sarah has made enough progress with her mental and physical state that he deems it safe to treat her outpatient rather than keep her confined. Sarah Jane beams with joy at that, promising him that she’ll continue to eat and make every appointment to see him at his clinic.

The only problem, she realizes as she carefully dresses herself in the maternity clothing she came in with, is that it means seeing James.

And it means all the heartache will come right back.
his_sarah_jane: (pensive)
“Sarah, the nurses tell me that you’re still not eating properly.”

It was such a clear statement of fact that it nearly made Sarah Jane roll her eyes at him. Today was her third appointment with Dr Traviss and, so far, she had found therapy as frustrating as she had when she was thirteen. Talking about her ‘problems’ weren’t making them any better. She missed James. She was hurt by his departure. She worried about the fact that he never would return to her, that she wasn’t worth loving. All of this, Dr Traviss knew by now. And so far, no solution was offered.

“Valerie’s doing fine,” Sarah responded, as if that was the only bit important. After all: wasn’t all this to keep her daughter healthy? “Isn’t that enough?”

“I’m afraid not, Sarah,” Dr Traviss said, looking at her from behind his folder. “You know we can’t dismiss you until you show full and lasting signs of taking care of yourself again. You can’t punish yourself or Valerie for others’ mistakes.”

She gave him a flat look in return. “You mean James.”

“Well, yes. If we’re to be specific.” He paused for a moment to scan over his notes. “How did you meet James?”

Suddenly, Sarah’s face fell. That was over a year and a half ago and a much simpler time. She didn’t want to talk about it. She was tired of talking. Tired of talking about recent life with James, up to and including their (his?) issues now. About how her parents died when she was a child and how the aunt who had raised her had also ‘died’ in the past year. About her first failed engagement. She was bloody tired of it all and it was only the third day in which she had seen him.

“We were at a pub,” she said quietly. “We started talking. We were friends first, for a couple months, until he kissed me. And then…”

Sarah waved a hand, indicating that was the end of the story. Take away a visit from a dead ex, the location of a bar at the end of the universe, and her own complicated life of time travelling and it really was that simple. The met, fell in love, and had a child.

And couldn’t last.

She sighed deeply, wiping at her eyes. “I know it seems fast, but neither of us were quite the type to take things slow. And then Valerie came along seven months ago and we’ve been married for over four months and it’s hurting again. It’s hurting a lot.”

Dr Traviss handed her the box of tissues. It didn’t make a lot of difference in Sarah’s eyes, though. The pain was overwhelming. She missed that time. Back then, if things had gone this way, she could simply return to her old life. She wouldn’t have a child to take care of. She wanted that so much. Her psychiatrist could never understand. Not when there was still so much she had to leave out.

“You didn’t think he was going to leave you, did you?”

Sarah shook her head, trying to chase away the remaining tears. “He married me. He loved me.”

“A lot of people leave you, don’t they, Sarah?”

She nodded weakly. That was true. That was so very true.

“Do you blame yourself?”

Of course she did. Clearly, something about her was unlovable. She mucked things up. She was too stubborn and too selfish to see things any differently. People came and went far too quickly in Sarah Jane’s life for her liking. It was one of the few things she couldn’t ever understand. People died, people grew annoyed and tired with her. And then she was alone. She always seemed to be alone, no matter how hard she tried to make her life different.

Sarah nodded again.

“Is that why you’re not eating?”

At that, she shrugged. By now, Sarah had gotten used to telling herself that she wasn’t hungry. That was a perfectly reasonable choice not to eat, after all. She hadn’t bothered to think of it in any other way.

“Sarah, I know that I’ve already said this once today, but I can’t stress how important it is that you know this. You can’t keep punishing yourself or Valerie. That won’t change anything, Sarah. We can work on this, you know. We can work to see you happy and confident again. No one ought to go through anything like this alone.”

But that was the thing, wasn’t it? “I am alone.”

“No you’re not. And I promise you, as a parent myself, that the moment Valerie is a born, you’ll see what I mean. We’ve already discussed the fact that you want to keep your child. We really do need to start working towards this goal. Now... Do you think we can talk about the first time you remember feeling like this?”

She still hated all of this so very much. Sarah Jane just wanted to go home and go back to work. She wanted life to be like it was a month ago. She knew, rationally, that that could never happen. You can’t go back in time unless you had a time machine. Here, in this reality, such things did not exist. She had to take the hard path rather than the easy path.

So she shrugged, not quite meeting the doctor’s eyes. “I can try.”
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
“Sarah Bond?”

Sarah Jane looked up when she hears her name. She had spent most of the early morning entertaining herself through Valerie’s kicks. Breakfast had been served, but like days before, she hadn’t found herself hungry enough to eat it. Instead, the tray had been pushed to the side and remained there for the morning. Caught up in her small form of entertainment, Sarah had nearly forgotten that she was supposed to see a new doctor today.

A psychiatrist, she thought with a sigh as she looks the man over. She hadn’t had to see one of those in ten years – ever since Andrea’s death and her own case of post-traumatic shock. The man looked friendly enough. He wasn’t all that tall, with graying hair and glasses. He held a file in one hand as he closed the door behind him with the other.

“Hello,” he said as he walked closer to the bed. “And congratulations, I see. Is it a boy or a girl, or do you prefer not to know?”

“A girl,” Sarah answered quietly, placing her hands protectively on her stomach. “Valerie Charlotte.”

“A lovely name.” Then, the doctor held out a hand that Sarah shook almost reluctantly. “I’m Dr Geoffrey Traviss, a psychiatry resident here. I’ve been assigned to your case. I was told your husband brought you in? Where is he now?”

Sarah Jane shrugged, suddenly falling silent. She hated therapy the first time she had to go through it. She had a feeling it wouldn’t be any different this time.

“At work. We’re… well, we’re currently separated.”

He nods, writing down a few words in his folder. “Is there any particular reason why?”

“He doesn’t like this whole sort of domesticity idea. He’s… well, he’s uncomfortable and unhappy with it,” she explained with a sigh. “He’s used to… to much more freedom. To not settling down.”

Another nod. Then, he peered over his folder to give Sarah a concerned look. In a quiet voice, “Valerie wasn’t planned, was she?”

Sarah shook her head, bursting in to tears. She tried to bury her face in her hands, wishing that Dr Traviss would go away and she could just be left alone. But he didn’t. Instead, a box of tissues was handed to her – a box of tissues that had already been well used within the morning. He waited patiently for Sarah to calm down.

“I’m sorry, Sarah,” he said quietly. From behind the tears and tissues, Sarah saw him look at the breakfast tray. “I have written down that this isn’t the first time you’ve had therapy. Can you tell me about the first time?”

“A friend died.” Sarah still couldn’t look up. “I was thirteen and a friend talked me into playing on a pier and she fell and I couldn’t save her. I thought James would be different. I didn’t think he’d leave me too.”

“Have you been left by a lot of people? I can’t find any indications of family beyond your husband on here, Sarah.”

“Dead,” she murmured. Sarah Jane sighed. “Do we have to do this?”

“I’m afraid so,” he responded. “It’s important that you get better, not just for Valerie, but for your own sake, Sarah. And we can work on it. I promise, as soon as you start to show signs of no longer endangering yourself or your baby, you can leave. We’ll switch to out-patient sessions. But right now, we can’t let you go anywhere. Tell me, do you want to keep Valerie, Sarah?”

Yes. No. Yes. She couldn’t decide which to answer with. Finally she just sighed, hands hugging her stomach. Seven and a half months pregnant. Valerie would be here soon. “I… I don’t know. I thought so and then, then there was this and I didn’t want to but I’ve never had a child before and it’s my daughter and… I think so. Yes.”

Dr Traviss nodded. “Then we’re going to have to work together to reach that goal. We’re in the twenty-first century, Sarah Bond. Many women raise their daughters without husbands. You don’t have to be any different.”

Sarah Jane shakes her head, feeling the tears come again. “I want to be. I want my husband.”

“Sarah,” he said quietly. “You have Valerie now. Isn’t she more important?”

She shrugged. She hadn’t planned on this – on any of this. And there were so many things that she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him how she had to leave her world behind or how she lost her best friend in the world because of what she had done. She couldn’t tell him how her husband was a spy and how she was fictional here. She couldn’t tell him any of this. Sarah Jane had a sinking suspicion that this would be one of the hardest things she’d ever have to do.

She hated it.

“You can do this,” he continued. “You let yourself come here and that certainly is a start. Don’t worry, Sarah. You’ll get through this. And I promise that when you’re through here, I won’t see you again for a long time.”
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
Sarah Jane has never liked hospitals much. But true to her word, she doesn't put up any sort of resistance on the way to St Anne's. The ride over is silent; Sarah feels too weak to really say much at all. Instead, she spends time trying her best to stay conscious and not collapse on James yet again.

Soon enough, they arrive at the hospital from their Notting Hill house. There isn't a long wait in Accident and Emergency, so Sarah's seen quickly enough. After taking her vitals and the like, they hook her up to an IV and transfer her over to maternity. It's there that she's question until feeling dizzy all over again. When the last doctor leaves, it's with the promise of sending a psychiatrist over in the morning.

Finally, she's allowed some alone time with James. She's been anticipating and dreading this moment through every exam and interview. When it does come, she's not sure she's prepared. But there's one thing she can say, and it's certainly deserved at the moment.

"Thank you."
his_sarah_jane: (sleeping)
“Sarah, you haven’t been eating, have you?”

She looks innocently at Dr Ross, eyes wide and sincere. Sarah Jane hadn’t wanted to go to her appointment today. It was the first one since James left. Lately, every kick reminded her of the life she wasn’t going to have. It was easier to go through the motions. She went to work, did the minimum required of her, and went home to bed. While Cat was fed (for the most part), she had barely eaten anything herself. It had been like that for the past week, ever since storming out of Milliways. And she hadn’t been back.

“Sarah?”

She takes a breath and glances away. There’s a small shake of her head, but small enough to be noticed by her doctor.

“You can’t stop eating, especially not now, Sarah. Valerie needs the nutrition to keep growing. You do want her to be healthy, don’t you? I know how important your daughter is to-- Sarah?”

Her head was buried in hands that were growing increasingly damper by the second. The medical gown hitched across her bulge as she brought her knees upward on the table. She had been holding all the tears back day after day, but she couldn’t anymore. Sarah keeps crying until she starts to hiccup. She misses him. She misses him so much.

Dr Ross continues to stand there patiently, a hand on Sarah’s shoulder. When Sarah Jane finally stops crying, she asks gently, “What is it, Sarah?”

“I don’t… it’s… James and I are separated,” she replies. “I don’t know if he loves me anymore and I just… I wish I never got pregnant in the first place. Then I could… I could forget about him, and this, and resume travelling and…”

“Sarah, do you want this?” Dr Ross interrupts gently. “Because the way you’re treating Valerie right now isn’t fair to her. She needs you to stay healthy and fit. I don’t know the situation between you and your husband, and I won’t pretend to. It’s only two more months. You owe it to your daughter to see this through. And after that, if you’d like, we can make other arrangements.”

Other arrangements? Sarah hiccups again, looking up at the other woman. What other options are there? She’s pregnant and stuck in someone else’s world and she always will be as long as she has her daughter. There’s adoption but…

“I don’t want to. I… both my parents died when I was younger. I want Valerie to know hers,” she answers, taking a steadying breath. Adoption would be so simple. It would make the heartache go away, wouldn’t it? “I can’t… I.. I think about it lately, but I can’t.”

She just wants James back. She wants those vows they said to each other back in September to mean something. Sarah doesn’t understand how he could fall out of love so quickly. They had been so in love four months ago. There was that wonderful honeymoon on Eiattu and the promise of a wonderful life together. And then, somewhere, it all went away. She didn’t even notice that moment. She had been so content.

“I want James back,” Sarah cries. She tries to pull her knees up further but can’t. Her stomach sticks out far too much by now. It’s absolutely unfair. If anything else, she is so very tired of being pregnant. “It’s bloody pathetic, but it’s what I want.”

“I can’t help you with that.”

“I know.”

“You have to eat, Sarah.”

“I know.”

Dr Ross sighs, giving Sarah a pointed look. “You will, won’t you? James will have to get involved if you don’t, and I sense that you don’t want that right now.”

That catches her attention, and Sarah Jane finally looks up again. She nods weakly. As much as she wants James, she wants to be strong more. She can be mature. She just fails at it when pregnant and alone. But James doesn’t have to know. He never has to if Sarah has any say in the matter.

“I’ll eat,” she relinquishes. “I promise.”

“I want to see you in two weeks. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned.”

Sarah Jane nods. She can do this. She can do it if it’s just for Valerie and for no one else. Her world has shattered and that’s something she doubts that she can ever explain to anyone. She is almost certain that James won’t ever come back. In essence, she’s been abandoned once again. First, there was the Doctor. And then there was James: she has no right to hold him to a life he abhorred, after all. Valerie is helpless in all this.

Valerie doesn’t deserve any of Sarah Jane’s problems. Her life isn’t hers anymore. She’s tried telling herself that again and again and again. Even hearing it from others hasn’t helped. She can’t be that carefree, reckless girl anymore, living life only for herself and her own happiness. Valerie deserves more: she only deserves the best. Sarah can do that, can't she? Be the mother Valerie deserves?

Sarah Jane nods again, placing a hand on her stomach. It hurts. Absolutely everything hurts right now. She’s afraid of being alone, she’s afraid of being abandoned again. She’s too much in love with James to have it hurt any less. She's too much in love to be certain of anything right now.

“I’ll eat,” she repeats again. “And I’ll take care of Valerie and I’ll see you in two weeks. Honestly, Dr Ross.”

“Really, Sarah?”

Sarah nods. “Really.”

Still, the word sounds hollow to Sarah Jane's ears.
his_sarah_jane: (startled)
"Oh!"

Sarah Jane is unsurprisingly startled when a small ginger cat comes rushing inside before she closes the door. She had seen it while walking up to the house; the tabby had been hard to miss with the way it had been poking its head over the stoop.

"What are you doing here?"

It's a rather pointless question seeing that all she gets is a 'meow' in return.

New tactic time!

"James," she calls out loudly. "Are you home?"
his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - happy)
Sarah Jane has decided she despises these sorts of visits. She has never actually been entirely fond neither of medical doctors in the first place (Harry Sullivan being the exception, of course) nor of the need for what she’d consider unnecessary time in bed. Maybe it is because of all those times she has wound up in the emergency ward in the past. Or maybe it is because of her impatient nature. Either way, she can’t help but be grumpy as she enters the clinic.

But she knows that she’ll do anything for her child already, even if that means facing uncomfortable appointments with Dr Ross every month. Thankfully, the wait isn’t very long. She still feels a bit like the stranger in this world sometimes, especially after her discovery of Doctor Who. Seeing all the other women in the waiting room - the ones that don’t have to worry about being caught living on a forged identity, the ones whose children truly belong to this world – it hurts sometimes. Sarah doesn’t like watching how happy they are. She doesn’t like how they don’t have to worry about their child messing up any time-space continuums.

Even if it is only her second visit here, the exam is starting to become routine. Dr Ross smiles at her and asks basic questions: How are you? How is your husband doing? Have you felt the baby move? If so, how often? Any spotting? Any horrible aches or pains? How’s that job hunt going? And the new town house? Even if Sarah Jane doesn’t like the clinic as a whole, she’s found herself warming up to her doctor. There is something genuine about the woman. She’s someone who really does love her work and Sarah admires that. Soon enough, her weight is taken and her blood pressure measured. A fetal doppler stethoscope is used to measure the heartbeat. Sarah Jane closes her eyes as she listens to it. The sound will never cease to amaze her.

Then, it’s time for Sarah’s favorite and least favorite part: the ultrasound. It’s the whole reason she walked in here with an uncomfortably full bladder – better to highlight the uterus, according to the instructions given last time. But it’s made her fidget more than usual throughout the entire exam. She lies down on the table and frowns a little when her shirt is rolled up. She’s getting fatter, and even though Sarah knows that it’s perfectly normal, she still feels self conscious about it. A cold gel is rubbed on her belly before Dr Ross starts the exploration.

Sarah Jane can easily see the screen from where she lies. It’s hard for her to make out any significance in the image, but as far as she can tell from Dr Ross’ nods and murmurs, everything seems to be normal. The wait for explanation is interesting and uncomfortable all at the same time. Valerie is moving again and it makes everything all the more unpleasant. Finally, after what seems like forever in Sarah’s opinion, Dr Ross turns away from the screen to smile at her.

“Congratulations, Mrs Bond,” she says. “Everything appears to be in order for your baby. It looks like it’s developing along normally, at the proper size and point of development for a seventeen week old fetus. Would you like me to run you through the anatomy on the screen?”

She nods, feeling rather proud of herself for taking such good care of her body and child (for the most part). After watching the ultrasound this entire time, of course she’d like to know what is on there. So they begin, looking at the digits and limbs and heart and the overall child. Dr Ross promises to get a print out of this ultrasound to Sarah before she leaves. Then, she asks whether or not she would like to know the sex.

“You can tell already?” Sarah asks after blinking a little. It has been something she had been debating. She knows that James has been curious, but truth be told, she herself has grown attached to her hopes. She’s almost afraid of hearing otherwise.

“Yes. Your child is well enough along that I could give you a probable likelihood.”

Seconds later, Sarah Jane caves to her curiosity. Seconds after that, she’s beaming with joy. It’s a girl. She and James are going to have a little girl after all. Valerie Charlotte, she thinks as her eyes fill with tears. She was right. It’s a glorious feeling.

It’s an even better feeling when she gets home later that evening after allowing herself a small shopping trip at Harrods. She had wanted to celebrate, and the best way she could think how was to buy an adorable sleepsuit for Valerie: white with pink petals all over and pink frills on the fronts and the sleeves. For fun, she had the clerk wrap up the box: a present for James when he got home. And now she is home, happily waiting on the reception room couch with her book until he gets home from work. Sarah Jane finds it hard to concentrate though. She’s too busy going over the news again and again. She would rush into Milliways, but James has to be the first to know.

Thankfully, she doesn’t have long to wait. When she hears the door close behind him, Sarah rushes out of the room with the box behind her back. She kisses him hello and, as much as she doesn’t want to give anything away, that over eager smile won’t leave her face. They murmur their hellos and before James has a chance to ask how the doctor’s visit went, Sarah holds the box out to him.

“Surprise,” she whispers as he takes the box with confusion. Sarah Jane giggles as he questions her as to the occasion. She doesn’t say why, only encourages him to undo the wrapping and open it. Her looks at her doubtfully, but, knowing better than to argue does comply. A few moments later and the box and wrapping is dropped on the floor by the door as he holds up the sleepsuit by the hanger.

The look he gives her is clearly expressive of further confusion. She can also see a hint of distaste in his eyes as he studies the garment warily. “What is this?”

She beams, taking it from him and setting it on the coat rack before she reaches for his hand and places it on her stomach. Sarah eyes the floor for a moment, trying to see if the ultrasound is sticking out between the wrapping and tissue paper on the floor.

Finally, “We’re having a girl, James. Dr Ross confirmed it in the ultrasound today. Which was also in the box, you know.”

It takes him a moment. James breathes in and then smiles back with amused resignation. “I guess you were right.”

Sarah nods, bending down to pick up the ultrasound from the pile of rubbish. She hands it to him, pointing out their daughter carefully. When she glances up to see his reaction, the overjoyed beam on his own face makes her heart swell. It is, she decides, the best feeling in the world.
his_sarah_jane: (snoopy reporter!)
After a morning full of final touches to resume, cover letter, and writing samples, Sarah Jane had finally felt confident in mailing out packages to various London-based newspapers. She was determined to get a job here in James’ world and one that would suit her interest in writing. She wouldn’t be the sort to live as a housewife, dependent on her husband’s income. Already, she felt as if she had taken too long. But with the pregnancy, the wedding, and the house hunting, Sarah simply didn’t have the time she needed to prepare the documents to her upmost liking.

Now though? Now they had moved in to their town house. They still hadn’t fully unpacked. In every room boxes were scattered among piles of unpacked belongings and furniture. Some were old things, moved in from Milliways and James’ old flat. Others were new purchases: items Sarah claimed more appropriate for a family home or furniture (like a beautiful old cradle she found the other day in an antique shop) for the baby. Of course, paths were cleared out leading from room to room. It was easy to get to their bed, easy to find their way from the kitchen to the garden and to the dining room, easy to get to the upstairs closet that led towards Milliways, easy to get to the relatively undisturbed upstairs bedrooms.

After three days of living in the town house, it was starting to slowly become a home. Fond memories, of course, had been created the very first second they arrived to move in. James had lifted her up into his arms, causing her to squeal and bat her fists playfully against his chest. He had carried her inside, not letting her go until they were in the bedroom and he had kissed her soundly. Then came an order not to even consider lifting any of the boxes before James went to help the movers.

Sarah Jane smiled at the memory as she entered the door. It would always come to mind every time she came home, which certainly wasn’t a complaint. She yawned, dumping her keys in the bowl next to the door. Too tired to head all the way upstairs, she walked into the reception room instead. Her coat was dumped unceremoniously on a box, followed by her purse. With all the packages mailed out, all she could do now was to wait for calls regarding interviews. Yawning again, Sarah lied down on the couch. She kicked off her shoes as she closed her eyes and placed a hand on her stomach.

But Valerie didn’t seem content on letting her mother sleep. The quickenings were starting to occur a little more regularly than it had earlier in the week when she first felt them. But halfway through the week, she had started to discern the butterfly flutters from among other bodily activities. And right now, it seemed, it was acting up at full force.

She groaned, rolling over on her side and reaching for the television remote from the floor. While Sarah Jane enjoyed television more as a child, as she grew older she found herself watching less and less. With the nearest book seeming miles away, however, reading was not an option. She began to flip through the channels, stopping at each for no more than a handful of seconds. But at the sight of a familiar blue box, she froze.

That wasn’t right.

That couldn’t be right.

That was…

Sarah sat up slowly as she watched a woman in a leather jacket back out of the room which contained the TARDIS. The woman looked so very, very familiar. The eyes, the face… For a few moments, Sarah Jane forgets to breathe. She can only stare at the television screen. At the woman in the jacket and the overly familiar man who had now joined her.

If facial recognition hadn’t been enough, the words out of the man’s mouth proved it. “Hello Sarah Jane.

It’s you,” the woman replied. “Oh… Doctor…

She moved toward him and Sarah Jane shook her head. That was her smile on the woman’s face. Her look of amazement at seeing the Doctor, just some twenty-five years older than she was now. It was impossible. It was incredible. Lost in her own thoughts, she barely heard the conversation that followed about regenerations and looks.

I thought you’d died. I waited for you and you didn’t come back. And I thought you must’ve died.

I lived. Everyone else died.

What do you mean?

Everyone died, Sarah.

Like the Sarah Jane Smith on the screen, the one leaning forward on the couch could only stare in awe. While the older one couldn’t believe that it was him, she could not believe she was seeing this. How could this be happening? This made absolutely no sense…except for the fact it did. Indubitably.

I can’t believe it’s you.” Any further statement was cut off by the screen. “Okay! Now I can!

Unable to take it any more, Sarah Jane grabs the remote off the floor and shuts off the television. Then, she sends the control flying across the reception room. That can't be right. It just can't. Surely James would have told her. Surely!

She shakes her head, closing her eyes and leaning back against the couch. She's too shocked for tears right now. Mostly, she just wants to forget what she has just seen.
his_sarah_jane: (smug)
It had been two wonderful weeks of honeymoon spent in a suite on the capital city of Eiattu. The week that followed back in James' - no, their - world had been a busy one. Sarah had had her first appointment with a doctor in London had been successful. Although it was still too early to determine the gender, so far the child was completely healthy.

Aside from that, Sarah Jane had renewed searching for a flat with new interest. After a meeting with a real estate agent today, she came home absolutely thrilled. They had planned on letting a place, preferably a snug but no two snug two-bedroom somewhere in Notting Hill not too far from the neighborhood they resided in now.

But this? This was perfect. She had quickly fallen in love with a four story town house on Portland Road that her agent had taken her on a tour on. It seemed perfect for a family: enough spare rooms to serve as home offices, a beautiful kitchen, and a patio garden that was absolutely charming. She had all the photographs and papers and blue prints scattered on the table in front of her. And an appointment for viewing again later tonight.

She stared at it happily. Now she only needed James' opinion on it.
his_sarah_jane: (pensive)
She could barely believe it when Rial's servant had dropped them off in front of the low-lying, bulbous, pale beige coloured hotel building on the bay. When she and James had entered their assigned suite, it had been like entering a dream. This flat was more luxurious than anything either could ever afford. And, Rial had promised that it was theirs for as long as they liked.

A week later, and everything was still perfect. Exploring the capital city had been terrific, especially in seeing James' reaction to everything alien. All their attempts to try and drive a landspeeder had been full of laughs. Day trips to the outlining swamps had been full of adventure. Attempts to blend in with the jewelery drenched native humans had been met with more giggles. And, of course, there had been the time spent in the room together. It was her dream honeymoon, without a doubt.

Perhaps, then, the only problem was how it reminded her of what she lacked now in her life. This wasn't the first time she had spent a wonderful duration on an alien planet without any wrong. Despite their tendency to get into danger, she and the Doctor had found times and places that were simply safe and enjoyable. Eiattu reminded her of all that. And, despite her ability to push the conversation aside (mostly) for the past few weeks, the Doctor's words kept coming back to haunt her.

You're no longer the Sarah Jane Smith I knew. I don't know if you'll even be able to get back onto the TARDIS you came from. I don't know if our universe will let you back in. It may not recognize you anymore.

She stares out across the bay from her seat on the balcony. James had left earlier that day to explore the city some more. Sarah had feigned a horrible bout of morning sickness. That hadn't been the case, though. Today, she's suffering from heart sickness instead.

Can't I go back? After the baby? To travel with you more, to see my aunt? Can't I? It's my home. I don't --- I don't want to lose everything, Doctor.

A person can't have two homes. If in your heart and mind, your place is with James, then that becomes your home, and the bar will lock you away from your life before.


The words keep running about in her head, nearly making her dizzy. Down below, the smells and sounds of the port drift upward. She doesn't notice any of them. All she sees is the Doctor's face and their row. All she can feel is the overwhelming despair that she can't go home again.

She's tried to fight it. But in the end, her fears and sorrows have caught up.
his_sarah_jane: (by the tardis)
Morning sickness is still keeping Sarah from fully sleeping in. So despite the long night she and James had, she's up early the next morning. After the morning practicalities are done, Sarah Jane scrawls a quick not to James. This isn't how she ever intended to start her first day as a legally married woman. But, she finds, it's the way she finds she has to.

Five minutes later and Sarah is pounding on the door of the TARDIS, still parked where she had seen it last prior to the wedding. She doesn't wait for an answer. Instead, she digs out her key and opens the door that is slammed behind her.

"Doctor! Oh, Doctor, I know you're in here! You promised, Doctor!"

Sarah's hands clench into fists as the tears fill her eyes. Not getting a response right away, she slumps against the TARDIS console, falling to the ground. Right now, crying is so much easier than remaining angry.
his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - happy)
They did it. Somehow, despite everything, Sarah Jane and James managed to tie the knot and properly marry. Considering the individuals involved, it's quite the accomplishment.

Now...much to James' chagrin, his former bachelor's pad has been redecorated for a reception. Because this is James Bond's wedding, there is, of course, the assortment of alcoholic beverages available at the small mini-bar. But, as the bride is pregnant and there is a minor present, non-alcoholic drinks are also readily available.

The table in the kitchen, easily accessible in the open layout, is covered with finger foods -- all from one of the best caters in London. A wedding cake lies as the center piece, beautifully decorated and rich in frosting.

Music plays in the background, with a small space cleared for dancing. Those who don't want to can easily find corners to sit in. The only rooms closed off are those of personal business, locked from any nosy guests.
his_sarah_jane: (wedding dress)
Sarah Jane had brought the guests from Milliways through to their flat in London, leaving them to James to take care of before she hurried off to the church, Barbara in tow. She had wanted to check on all the last minute arrangements: to make sure the flowers had arrived and that the minister was there.

Everything seems perfect now. The church, a small little Gothic-esque chapel close to the Notting Hill gate tube stop, is now decorated with garlands of wildflowers along the aisles. It's the one touch Sarah Jane wanted to add to an otherwise picture-perfect room. The sun shines through the stained glass windows, causing the pews to glow. The altar was simple enough, with an organ off to one side and a lovely rosette window behind it. Two bouquets sit to either side of where the couple will stand.

Overall: the impression is of a simple yet sophisticated chapel. Everything is set for the wedding, presuming, of course, nothing goes wrong.
his_sarah_jane: (bored)
As of earlier this afternoon, everything seemed set for a Saturday wedding. The church had been reserved and the paperwork had been filed. Invitations had been sent. While she had promised James to only invite close friends, Sarah instead found herself inviting people who had been there for her when she needed it, and her two favorite co-workers from the Say True. She left it up to James to deliver invitations to the few friends he had here, very much hoping that he would do so. If she could invite her Aunt Lavinia, she would have done so in a heartbeat.

Aside from that, the dress had been fitted and paid for, fitting perfectly despite the extra weight she had begun to put on. Wedding bands had been picked out and she couldn’t think of anything else that needed to be done. For a shotgun wedding, everything had fallen into place much more simply than she expected it to. That made her happy. Wedding planning would never be her forte, and as long as those dear to her were there – especially her husband to be – she couldn’t care less about it being prim and proper. There were other things to be done: a freelance journalistic career to turn into something more permanent and a new flat to find.

Yet, if everything was so set, than why wouldn’t plagues of worries, nerves, and fears go away? If she were being truly honest with herself, she had been feeling them ever since she had proposed. And despite the absolute joy she felt at the prospect of marrying James (the prospect of marrying James Bond meant absolutely nothing as it were the man she wanted, not the idol), she was frightened. Her life had been changing so horribly rapidly again, and this time it was in a way she had never expected.

Sarah had hoped that a trip outdoors would help change her mind. It was getting too chilly in the British autumn and despite the fact Milliways’ back yard was designed after the Scottish countryside, it was still rather comfortable there. Milliways’ landscape also had something any park in London lacked: a TARDIS for her to hide behind. She couldn’t bring herself to go inside. The guilt that was associated with that act was overpowering. She still hadn’t told the Doctor here about her pregnancy. The one back home had no idea about any of this. He was her best friend and she was abandoning him. What sort of person did that make her?

In a few short days, she would be someone’s wife. While she doubted that they would ever fall into a true domestic life, thank god, it would still be a lot different than any other experience in her life. She had never made it this far with Andrew, never got to plan the wedding or have these horrible jitters about possibly making a mistake. But this engagement was so much different – while Sarah was certain that it was out of love, more than that, it was out of necessity stemmed from pregnancy. Within the following months would come a child that they would raise together best they could.

The whole idea seemed utterly frightening again. For the past month, she had grown accustomed to the fact, even rather, well, happy with the idea. But now, with permanency on the horizon, she was terrified that they were making a mistake. Maybe she should have just gotten rid of it and gone on travelling with the Doctor. No, that wasn’t ever an option, she knew. Still, right now, Sarah Jane wanted nothing more than to go on one of those barmy adventures that always nearly got her killed. She missed it.

“I miss you, old girl,” she whispered, leaning back against the wooden frame of the police box with a sigh. “And I miss him. You better take good care of him if I can’t ever go back. And you better let him know that no matter what, he’ll always be my best friend. Even if I never do get to see him in again.”

Sarah sighed, wiping at a tear. There was still too much to think about, too much consider in all of this. Missing the Doctor was only the tip of this metaphorical iceberg. Changing her future (as the Doctor had hinted the last time they spoke) was only another small fraction of it. Whatever her romance novels claimed, Sarah Jane knew now that it was never as simple as just love.

But even with all the complications, she was sort of thankful for that. At least that meant life would never get boring. Especially, she considered, a life with James Bond.
his_sarah_jane: (thoughtful)
The flight back to London went remarkably well, with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happening the entire time. There hadn't been any more rows for the remainder of their trip in Jamaica. Everything had been blissful, rather like she supposed a honeymoon would be like. Then, when it came to checking in at the airport for the flight, Sarah had felt a surge of smugness when her Bar-provided password worked without any trouble at all.

It had only been hours ago that they landed in Heathrow. It's rather strange to think just how fast the two weeks flew by. She tries not to dwell on it, but it's hard. Now that the "honeymoon" is over, it's time for further discussions. Important discussions. Which would be exactly why Sarah sighs when they walk into James' flat. She smiles up at him, a slightly weary smile, as she dumps her bag on the floor near the door.

She'll bring up discussion in a second or two.
his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - snuggling)
Sarah leaned against the pillows, watching James as he slept. Morning sickness had gotten her rather early this morning. Thankfully, she had gotten good about slipping out from under the covers without waking her boyfriend up. Even the pressing need to empty her stomach contents into the toilet couldn’t prevent her from stealthy sneaking out of the bed. Not given the knowledge of the reward she had now for staying quiet.

She sighed happily, propping her head up on one hand as the other followed a whispery light trail of touches down his arm. She was careful to avoid any cuts and bruises, not wanting to cause any pain. He still had a lot of healing to do. And as much as Sarah Jane usually abhorred having to play nurse, this time she didn’t mind. She was determined in every way possible to live up to every word she had spoken today. She was going to make this work and have that proper family she had secretly wanted since her parents’ deaths.

It was strange to think how much her priorities had changed in the past few months, or, if being more specific, ever since coming to Milliways. It was strange to think how content she was at the thought of spending the rest of her life with one man, this man in particular – the one lying next to her. As he shifted in the bed, Sarah smiled. She allowed him to pull her body back against his, resting her head right below his chin. Her eyes, though, remained opened. As tired as she was, thoughts simply wouldn’t go away.

Nearly a year ago, her biggest concern had only been about herself. She only really had reason to care about her life, her career, and her travels. That, and a rather eccentric alien who had quickly become her best friend. Overall, life was simple and carefree – well, when not running for her life (an unfortunate effect of police box travel, it seemed). She had imagined it would always remain that way.

It didn’t.

With a frown, Sarah studied the gimp arm beside her. She was more concerned about that arm than anything else she could think of right now. This afternoon’s fight aside, she only wanted James to get better. But a nagging voice in her head kept asking the same question again and again: what if it never healed properly? What if he was forced to take a desk job because of it? Would he grow to resent his new life, taken out by some reckless injury in his prime? Would he grow to resent her?

As much as she would have wished the father of her child to have a normal job, she never truly minded James’. It was as much a part of him as journalism was a part of her. And she’d absolutely despise it if she couldn’t write anymore. It crossed her mind to wonder when she started caring about these things. About a career that wasn’t hers and about a life that wasn’t hers either. She supposed, with quiet chagrin, that it was the result of falling rather madly in love.

Because of that wonderful and absolutely idiotic mistake, Sarah Jane no longer cared about her life as much as she cared about others’. Sure, she still cared about each day of her own life but now it was each day lived with a little more thought and a little less recklessness. Now she cared about her friends – friends aside from the Doctor that she had spent more time with than anyone else since leaving university. But more than that, she had discovered how much she cared about two individuals more than anyone else. She knew without a doubt that these were two people she’d die for. And one of them wasn’t even yet in her world.
She adored that specific individual more than anything. As much as she wished for it to be a daughter, she knew she would be just as grateful for a son. Sarah felt a love for her baby that she had never felt towards anyone before – not the Doctor, not her friends, not even James. It was fierce and overwhelming and amazing. In fact, the only sad bit about it was that James couldn’t share in it. She hoped, even prayed, that that was something that would change with the end of her pregnancy.

Closing her eyes, Sarah pulled his right hand towards her stomach, content to let it linger there. Then, she made a quick prayer to whatever was out there controlling fate (after all, given everything she had experienced, she couldn’t easily doubt the presence of some higher power) that he’d grow to love their child as much as she had.

“James,” she whispered as she snuggled closer to him under the covers. Sarah intertwined one of her legs with his, feeling comfort in their closeness. “I think I lied yesterday. About forever. I think I may want it after all.”

But he was asleep and would never have to know. They’d make it work; she was determined to see it through.

Because, it turned out, more than anything else in this world, Sarah Jane cared most about the family she had forged out. It wasn’t a family she had ever planned on having. It wasn’t legal in any sense of the word. But she loved it. She loved James and she loved their child, whoever it might grow up to be. But with yesterday’s argument still lingering fresh in her mind, she couldn’t help but be afraid that she would still be hurt someday. As she fell back asleep in James’, though, she choice not to waste another care on this train of thought again.
his_sarah_jane: (sarah/james - happy)
The door from Milliways opens to a small but posh beach house, one the perfect size for two people. After spending the past month stuck in a bar at the end of the universe, Sarah Jane quickly considers it the most beautiful place that she's ever seen. She can hear the ocean surf beating against the sand and the salt air smells wonderful.

Now this, she decides, is the sort of place a pregnant woman should live. Morning sickness has since abated for the day and she feels absolutely wonderful. Placing her bag down by the closet door, Sarah turns to smile brightly at James. It's rather clear from her face that she considers it the best vacation ever. And if not:

"I absolutely love it."

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Sarah Jane Smith

April 2011

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