[Mixed Muses] A Date with Simon

[his_sarah_jane]

The door opens to a cozy attic neatly cluttered with many assorted nicknacks. Some of the objects are easily recognisable: books, photo frames, papers, etc. Others, though, are much more alien in origin.

Sarah Jane smiles warmly as she moves aside to let Simon through. Then, she shrugs slightly. "I don't typically have much company up here."

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[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah Jane tucks her arm in his as she silently leads him to the gardens. She remains quiet until they take a seat on the patio swing, nestled between green, fragrant bushes. She's done a good job of taking care of her aunt's garden during the years. It's rather cozy when it comes down to it.

For a moment, she remains awkward in the wooden seat as she debates what to do next. In the end, she cuddles up against him, pulling his arm around her back to rest on her hip.

Quietly, "What's wrong, Simon?"

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

Somehow, he has a harder time keeping up the act here. He turned his face away from Sarah the moment they stepped into the garden, discerning the plants and smelling them, breathing in their very real scent through his fake lungs. He blinked, his eyes suddenly wet. When she spoke, he could feel tears running down his cheek.

He says nothing.

The sounds of his breathing, growing steadier as a futile attempt to regain his composure, only encourage more tears.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

As much as she'd like to be cuddled by him, she doesn't think now is the proper time. Sarah Jane moves his hand back to his lap before enveloping him in a tight hug. Gently, she moves his head so she can see the tears and, even more so gently, she places a light kiss on each of his eyelids. Then she moves to rest his head by the crook of her neck.

She'll hold him like this for as long as he needs with absolutely no complaints.

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

He didn’t want to mourn like this around anyone, much less his date. He didn’t want to mourn anywhere but in his room, by himself, because it was embarrassing for a man to cry, and he didn’t know how long he would cry. He knew he had to mourn a long life full of mistakes and failures punctuated by an agonizing death. He had to mourn his relegation to the false reality of Milliways, this gift of a false body, this lie of a second life. He needed that catharsis, otherwise he might never move on. He just didn’t want to hold up anyone while he did it. But it seems like he doesn’t have a choice.

Any attempt to focus on the now is met with some image, some experience, some feeling that sends more tears to his eyes, that causes him to cling to Sarah Jane as if she can erase the pain, regret and anger. He closes his eyes, feeling so sick he thinks he might vomit. Luckily for Sarah, he doesn’t. It’s just the nausea he feels from being reminded of his old life, a nausea that, at this moment, only comes out in more tears.



After a few minutes, Simon pulls himself up, wiping underneath his eyes. He doesn’t feel any better. He probably won’t for a while. “I should head back to the bar,” he whispers.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"No you shouldn't," Sarah Jane answers softly, wiping at any stray tears. She kisses his forehead, then the bridge of his nose, then the tip of it, and finally gently on the lips. She shakes her head again, smoothing back his hair. "You shouldn't be alone, Simon. This isn't something any person ought to go through alone."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

“It’s a lot to go through,” he shakily replies. “N-nobody…you didn’t do this. I did. My fault, my punishment. Don’t have to suffer with me.”

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah Jane shakes her head again, continuing to soothingly stroke his hair. "It still doesn't mean you should go through it alone."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

Desperation flashes across his face. “Why do you want to go through this with me?”

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

The answer is clear enough to Sarah Jane. "Because no one should have to go through something like this alone."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

He turns his face away, staring at the ground. “Even if they brought it upon themselves.”

Half question, half statement.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah turns to rest her head against his, not loosening her grip on him at all.

"It's the man I met now that matters. Not the man he was."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

“I wish I could feel the same way you do,” he replies quietly.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"I believe it's something you have to learn rather than just accept, Simon. It took me years to realise I was better off not being alone."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

Simon can’t think of anything to say to that.

He had made his mind up to be alone a long time ago. All he’s doing now is defending that choice by pushing away as many people as he can. Sarah--well, he doesn't want to get rid of Sarah. She's been wonderful. But right now, all he can think is that she's also being very masochistic. This isn't her pain to feel. It's his.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She sighs against him, closing her eyes. Sarah begins to rock the swing gently as she continues to hold him.

There's nothing more to say right now. He just needs to be reassured that he isn't alone. And the best way to do that, as she had learned from an early age, is by contact.

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

After a while:

"Why do you care so much? About me?"

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

That's a very good question. She's only just met him and, truth be told, she isn't too sure why she cares all this much. Maybe it has something to do with discovering a joy of taking care of people. Or maybe it's because in him, she's found a sort of kindred spirit of a man actually attracted to her.

Something about him struck a chord, and it's something Sarah Jane still can't put into words.

"I don't know," she whispers. "I just seem to."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

"I really don't deserve it."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"I don't think it's up to you to decide."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

"It's not for me to decide who cares about me," he clarifies. In his mind, he can decide whether he deserves it or not.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

She nods. "People can't help the way they feel."

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

"Then I'm sorry you wound up caring for someone like me."

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

Sarah shakes her head, not understanding.

"Why?"

[slasherofprices.livejournal.com]

He shakes his head, silent again. It's just a difference of opinion.

[his-sarah-jane.livejournal.com]

"There is something worth caring about in you, Simon."